Lost In Love That Never Lasts

I never wanted to let you in because I never wanted to feel the way I am feeling right now.I hate falling in love because I always seem to lose myself in it. When I fall in love nothing I valued before seems worth anything. My close friends become distant. My hobbies become things of the past and the food I once loved becomes flavorless.
You and the love I feel for you have replaced all of those things. You have become my closest friend. The only things I enjoy doing are things that you enjoy doing and your favorite foods have become my favorite as well. But where am I? What happened to  ME? When did I lose myself in you and why did I allow this to happen?
I remember when I was interesting. I traveled the world and studied other cultures and tasted exotic fruits of the land. I took an interest in music and had even began taking guitar lessons. I was a prolific artist and could use my spare time to create wonderful works of art that people adored and coveted. I loved my creativity. It was my badge of independence and self actualization. I was confidant  in what I did and who I was... until I met you.
You swept me off my feet by coming into my life and showing me a world I never thought possible. Your smile was comforting and your kisses were like velvet. Every fiber in my being craved your presence. I craved your scent and your sound and I also craved every word  about your love for me. You were (and still remain)  an interruption of my life.
 Even now I  feel the creativity draining from me as you sponge the very life of it from my body leaving me shriveled and dried up. I crave the moisture  of creativity that flows from only your lips now. I allowed you to take away what was preciously mine only to receive a portion of the mediocrity of life that you possess. I never knew my value until I saw yours and by then, it was too late. Your love had taken over me and I was too weak to control it or even cease its destructive nature upon me.
Your love was a drug and it intoxicated me like nothing I have ever experienced. Not even a bottle of the strongest liquor could blur the line between lust and reality like the love I had for you. I couldn't let you go. You had me and I was an addict. The desire to be free has long gone away. I only long to be with you and to remain in your life and to only enjoy the things that are important to you. But what about me? What happened to me and when did I become this person that I no longer recognize? I have become the one thing I never thought I would ever be-LOST! I have become lost! I am lost in a type of love that never lasts forever and it will take forever to find myself again.

The Facebook Photos

It was Sunday Morning. Sandra and Stephen had just got home that night after spending a couple of weeks in Paris! It was as beautiful in person as it was in brochures and the food was excellent. Sandra decides to make breakfast so she got up out of the bed and went into the kitchen. When she opens the kitchen door, Stephen walks into the kitchen.
"Baby, I had such a great time in Europe. It was nothing I have ever experienced before. Thanks for taking me." (leans over and kisses her on the cheek)
-"Awe, no problem sweetie. I was happy to take you with me. I'm sure you could use a break from all the tests you had to grade. I'm sure its not easy being an English Professor at an Ivy League college at just 29 years old."
"Speaking of school, I was wondering if you could make those Christmas cookies you make every year. You know, the ones with the pecans in them, I want to take a pan to the college for the annual faculty Christmas party."
- "Sure baby. How many people are attending?"
"A hundred or so..." (pulls out a chair at the kitchen counter. Sits, and opens his laptop computer.) " Babe, how did you post the pictures of our trip on Facebook so fast? We just got back last night!?"
- " Sweetie, come on! Are you serious? You know my camera has a Facebook application that lets you upload images as soon as you take them. The power of technology!" (smiles sarcastically)
"Whatever! I just don't like everyone knowing our every move all the time, that's all. Just be careful!"
-" I know, but its PARIS!!!!  I want EVERYONE TO BE JEALOUS!! " (jumps up and down with excitement)
" Yeah,... that trip was awesome! Well, okay, just this once I can understand!" (leans across the counter and kisses her on the four head)

Sandra  felt on top of the world, like nothing could touch her. It was a beautiful Sunday morning. They sat and talked about the trip and looked over photos while they ate breakfast. Stephen contemplated if they should attend Sunday service at their church, but Sandra decides against it. She was still tired from the plane flight. Besides, what she really wanted was an all day freak fest in the bedroom! She was sure Stephen would be down for that! 
(door bell rings)
Who could that be, they wonder.  Sandra slips on her robe, ties it in the front as she walks to the door.
-"Who is it?"
"Uh..Its me, Todd."
Todd was Sandra's ex-boyfriend who smokes a lot of weed (which is one of the reasons why they broke up). They hadn't been together in three years, however, that never stopped him from sending her inappropriate text messages, and calling her out of the blue. He had also been showing up at her house unannounced. The last time he came, he told Sandra he wanted her back. He said he had been thinking of her and now he realizes that she was his future-his future wife, and there is nothing that she could do to make him stop loving her.
She tried to tell  him that  showing up at her house was disrespectful to his girlfriend, (whom he'd been seeing during their three years apart) not to mention just creepy! He just wouldn't listen. But this time, she had to be firm! she had to look him in the eye and tell him NEVER to come here again!
Sandra opens the door as she looks back to see if her boyfriend, Stephen, had followed her to the living room. He did not. She slips out the front door, shutting it quietly behind her as to not bring any attention to Todd.
She knew Stephen would flip the hell out if he knew Todd was trying to get back with her. Stephen would likely  try to kill Todd if he knew everything he was doing! Sandra couldn't let Stephen get caught up in her drama. She had to get rid of Todd herself.
-" I thought I asked you not to come by here! What do you want?"
"My bad, I just came by because I saw your photos on Facebook...So, I see you went to Paris huh... Who is the guy in the photos with you? Is that your man now?... Is he sexing you better than me? ...You know nobody's gonna love you like I love you.... You and I are meant to be baby!"
-"Okay... I used to think you were just joking around, but now I see you are serious! You have lost your mind! You really need to stay away from the WEED! Go HOME!"
"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHO THE HELL HE IS!!"
-" Okay... first of all! Keep your voice down ...Second of all, who he is... is none of you damn business! YOU GOT A LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND! You got a brand new life away from me! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! Stop coming around here harassing me over this bullshit!! You are about to make me call the cops on your ass!" (turns to go back inside, but Todd grabs her by the hair suddenly! He pulls out a gun and points it to her head)
"No, Bitch!..Today I am the police!!"


Todd forces his way into the house. Boyfriend Stephen comes running out of the kitchen, but stops dead in his tracks once he sees the gun. Todd points the gun at Stephen.
"Are you the one that is sexing my future wife?! HUH?? ... Tell me or I will put a bullet in both of you RIGHT NOW!?"
(Stephen, utters words, stutters, and stammers. Somehow the words find their way out of his mouth)
" La-la- look man, ya-ya you don't want to do this!....Whatever it is man, we can work it out!  Ja-Just, put the gun down!" ( Stephen's heart palpitates and he suddenly passes out, dropping face first into the hard wood floor)

When Stephen comes to, he is outside, in an ambulance! Todd must have drug him outside. The neighbors must have called 9-1-1. There were SWAT teams, Snipers, and K-9 Units everywhere. He looked around frantically. The EMT, trying to coerce him to calm down. Sandra! Where Is Sandra?! He remembers the last time he saw her, she had a gun to her head! But she must be alive because the police are still surrounding the house!
 Meanwhile, Sandra and Todd are in the house. Todd has the gun pointed to Sandra threatening her.
"You see what you made me do? Huh? When I saw those photos of you and that dude on Facebook, I felt disrespected! You know I want you! Why did you have to go and post those photos of you and some other guy kissing and hugging! (his voice gets louder) I CAN'T STAND TO SEE YOU WITH NOBODY BUT ME!"
 He pulls Sandra close to him, firmly pressing his body against hers as Sandra tries to pull away, but he is stronger!
-"PLEEEAAASE!!!!!! Don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!" 
"I wanted you to be mine, but NO! So if you aren't gonna give it to me, I'm gonna take it!"
He grabs her by the head, with each hand pressed against her ears, forcing her to kiss him. She screams but the sound is muffled by his lips while forcing his tongue down  her throat. She gags.
-"Todd!!!! Please...don't do this! Please don't do this!..NO!"
"Shut up..BITCH!!..I own you now!! Give me what I want!"
Sandra is frantically trying to free herself as thoughts of rape fill her. She finally gets enough room to knee him in the groin. But it does nothing!
She bites him on the face! He screams and slaps her in the face with the butt of the gun! Sandra falls to the floor. Dizzy with pain, she tries to crawl to the door. He grabs her by the hair, forcefully turning her on her back.
-"Noooooo!!!!" She screams.
He unbuckles his pants with one hand while holding the gun in another! Just as he is about to pounce on her, a shot rang out! Sandra Screams as Todd's blood spatters on her face and  falls to the floor. His lifeless body rests on top of her!
Exhausted with turmoil, she passes out, only to awake three days later in the ICU. Stephen is by her side.
Three weeks later, Sandra is released from the hospital. On the ride home she checks her Facebook status on her blackberry and wonders how something so simple as posting photos on a website could lead to something so horrible. She deletes her entire account!

The Nosy Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,
Thank you for the flowers you sent me. I have been home sick for a week and you are the only neighbor that was thoughtful enough to bring me some soup, magazines, a get well card and a basket of flowers. So consider this heads up as me returning the favor. Now, I am not the one to get in anybody's business but there is something going on over there at your house. Every afternoon, I go out to water my flowers (usually noon because that is when the sun is the hottest).
Well, while I was stepping out my front door, I noticed a car driving past your house. It was a red Volvo with a TALG12 license plate. This car drives by your house every afternoon, however, it always slows down and stops for a minute before driving on. The car didn't have any tint on the  windows so I was able to see who was in the car. It was a woman, and she looked distraught, even angry at times. I don't know if she was talking on the phone or just plain crazy! She always seemed to be talking to herself and banging on the steering wheel like a mad woman!
Now, I wouldn't have mentioned this if she would have just kept driving by everyday. But last night while I was taking out the trash, I noticed her car parked in your driveway. Your car was gone and I thought she might have been breaking in. I was about to call the police when I noticed your male companion and this woman come storming out of the house. They look like they had been arguing. I hid behind one of my bushes so they would not notice me as I looked on. But if they were paying any attention, they could have easily seen me standing there. I was never much good at hide and seek.
Well, he started to hug her, she pulls away and slaps at him. He blocks her hand by grabbing it and pulls her close to kiss her passionately! She tries to struggle, but gives in to him. Well, they kiss like that for a long time. Then suddenly he pulls away reluctantly to looks at his wrist watch, then hurries her into the car. She drives off.
Well, no sooner as she turns the corner, you drive up. He runs out to the mail box as if to look like he had just come out of the house to get the mail. He greets you, by kissing you with the very same lips he just kissed that woman minutes ago! Well, I had just seen enough at that point. I went into the house. It wasn't until then that I realized how close I was to being spotted by them. I was standing right outside in front of my yard and he didn't even scan the neighborhood to see if anyone was watching! I don't think he cared. I don't think he cares for you much either! Take it from someone who knows a thing or two about no good two timing losers. Your man is a loser! I'm telling you this because I too was a victim of a cheating husband.
Well, he was cheating on me long before we ever got married, but I thought once we got married he would change. I thought if we both VOWED to be faithful, then he would be with me and only me. The first year he was faithful, or so I thought. Then, the phone calls late at night started happening again. He began to stay at work late, again. Then the hotel stays on the credit card receipts started up again.
However, the reality didn't set in until, I got a visit from a woman claiming that my husband fathered her baby she was carrying! That was when I realized that it wasn't him that was living a lie, it was ME! I was lying to myself, telling myself we had a happy marriage. I ignored the facts of what I knew just so I could live a lie! I don't want you to do what I did.
I'm sure you have speculations and if you aren't married to him, you need to get to the bottom of it now before you end up doing something you will regret for the rest of your life! You are a good woman. You have always been kind to me and I at least owe you the courtesy of letting you know whats really going on over there at your house when you are not there! I hope you take heed to this letter. God bless you and do the right thing for you, and not everyone else around you.

The Tuxedo Man

Out of the midst of the fog, I see you breathing endless amounts of sadness. Your eyes wet with grief,  I can see it running down your cheeks. Your face soaked with guilt. Your hands clinging to the edge of the railing. Staring down into the abyss below, you tighten your grip on the railing hoisting yourself onto the ledge of the bridge. I shout!
 -"Sir, is there something wrong?!"
No answer. You don't hear me or maybe you do, however you never turn your head to look at me. I want to run to you but I was too afraid of what I might see, so I shout again!
-"Sir, is there something wrong! Is there someone down there? Should I call the police?!"
I slowly approach you. Not close enough to grab you but close enough to see your face and what you are wearing. I notice you wearing a tuxedo with a white flower in your left front pocket. You turn to face me with pain in your eyes and with tears streaming down your caramel colored cheeks. You say,
"I'm sorry. I can't do this!" as you lean away from the rail.
I try to grab your arm before you let go, but it was to late. You were gone and I had no idea where you had fallen because of the darkness that lie beneath.
Who were you and what couldn't you do?
When the rescue divers fished your body out of the river. They asked me to identify your body as the man I saw. The tuxedo. Yes. It was you.

I couldn't help but wonder what would make a man throw himself off a bridge, ultimately ending his own life? Was he being blackmailed? Did he kill someone and could not live with the guilt?
His last words, "I'm sorry. I can't do this" haunted my dreams at night.
I couldn't sleep for days after that. His eyes forever etched in the back of my brain. I got a knock on the door, I spoke through the door before I opened it.
- "Who is it?"
 "Its Sheila. ...Sheila Hollingsworth. I am the Widow of the man you saw fall off the bridge."
Okay, what the hell is she doing at my house. Somebody at the police station is getting fired!  I still hadn't opened the door because what if she is crazy and thinks something was going on between me and him? I never knew the man!
So I call out to her through the closed door.
-"Ma'am, I don't know how you got my address but I can assure..."
"I just need a moment of your time, I don't mean any harm. I just want to know if he mentioned me at all! Did he say anything at all! I just want to know what happened! That night was our wedding night!"
 I could hear the pain in her voice. She was heartbroken, not angry.
My anger towards her grew silent and I felt remorse for her. How could her newly wed husband commit such an act? This was too crazy to be true, but my inquiring mind wanted to know desperately who this man was and why he did it. So,  I opened the door, but only cracked it a bit. I still didn't know her.
"Are you Sandra Burke?"
-"Yes. I am she.."
"May I come in? I promise I don't have any ulterior motive only to know what he said, if anything at all!"
-"Well, okay. But you can't stay long, I am expecting company in about an hour." 
I lied. I wasn't expecting nobody over. I just wanted her to know that someone was on their way over just in case she tried anything funny. I let her in and we sat and talked, but she did most of the talking.
After I told her what he said to me on the bridge, she began to cry.
She said that she didn't mean to pressure him into marrying her. She just wanted her two kids to be in a household where both the parents were married. All her friends were married and she just got tired of everyone wondering when she was going to get married. Her parents weren't so thrilled when he got her pregnant at 16, and they didn't expect him to stick around, but he did. She went on to tell me that he was a good father to his 2 boys and that he loved them so much. She knew he didn't want to get married but his parents persuaded him into at least getting engaged.
They were engaged after they had their second child, and that was 5 years ago. She said he was always a mama's boy. He did whatever his mother told him. His mother wanted him to get married and have lots of children for her because he was her only child. He never really told anybody no. She didn't think he knew how. I began to feel sorry for him, but I was also angry at the same time.It was hard for me to fathom a grown man, not standing up for himself. Instead of doing what was right for him, he thought was right for everyone else. The guy was obviously depressed, and went through life not making any decisions for himself  which ultimately lead him to suicide. He dug a whole so deep, it was better to die rather than dig himself out of it. So sad. Poor Sheila, A wife and a widow all in the same night! Better to live alone than to live a lie. After she left, I finally put everything in perspective and could finally sleep at night. I gave Sheila my phone number just in case she ever needed to talk. We ended up becoming good friends. She credits me for getting her through the roughest time in her life. I guess you never know how or why people come into your life. But, you are always glad that they are in your life. She eventually went back to school, for nursing, and graduated at the top of her class, and is now engaged to a doctor. Turns out this tragedy may have been the best thing that ever happened to her.- R.I. P. Tuxedo Man.

A Chance Meeting With Noah Carter

I was walking down the side walk and stopped at the Cross Walk when,

"Excuse me, I really like your hair. Where do you go to get it done?"
 - Supreme Diva Hair Studio on Third and Park Ave....Thanks for noticing. (Sigh) I was running low on funds so I had to get the daily special.

"Well, It looks good on you." (Smile)
 - Thanks! Well it was nice talking to you. I've got to run! (Looks down at cell phone while walking away)

A Chance meeting between two strangers and neither one of us ask for a name. Neither one of us cared. This has happened to me before. I have held plenty of conversations with strangers, even talked to them for hours and not once had I asked for a name. Names aren't important anymore. At least not to me. I'm not good with names and I figure if I never ask for it then I'm not required to remember it. Besides, I think it is creepy to remember someone's name after one short conversation anyway. I think it shows that you care more than you should. Sure some might think that it is hospitable to ask for a name and remember it but I was never the hospitable type. When I was a kid I beat up all my friends who came to visit me for play dates and never allowed them to win any games we played. Hospitality? Its just not my thing. I never asked for his name, but he never asked for mine either. I just assumed he was being nice and trying to flirt a bit.

I was entering the library and decided to sit some place quiet until my business partner calls for the big meeting to pitch our business proposal to some local executives. I sat way in the back next to the window where I could see who was entering because I enjoy watching people. As I turned to grab a chair, I noticed the man I saw at the Cross Walk last week,
 
-Hi! It sure is fancy seeing you here! (smile)

"I know, what are the odds?"

-I'd say 1 in a million! (still smiling) This must be some kind of a sign.

"Ha ha (laughter). Maybe...One may never know unless..."
 -(Phone vibrates) Well it was nice meeting you again. I've got to run! (Cell phone vibrates again. Answers phone while walking away)

"(Smiles) Likewise."

Okay. What are the chances of that happening? I hope he doesn't think that I am stalking him. I mean, running into the same stranger again is freaky and why didn't he ask for my name this time? Okay granted, I was the one that spoke to him first this time but he could have insisted to know my name. (Sigh) Oh well, maybe I am reading too much into it. He's just a stranger and nothing more. For all I know he could be a serial killing rapist! Or he could be the man of my dreams! I mean, he did seem optimistic about what meeting me again meant when I mentioned  it being a sign! Maybe he is Gay. He did notice my hair and asked where did I have it done. What straight man asks a question like that? Or maybe it is worse than I think! He could be MARRIED and was asking about a good stylist for his WIFE!
Ugh! Why me?!? I always meet unavailable guys! With my luck he probably is married.

I was at the night club with a few friends when I felt  a hand caress my shoulder and just as I turn to see who it is,

"Hey beautiful."
 -Oh Wow...Hey What's up? (disappointed)

"Well, actually...I had been hoping to run into you again! So...you are what's up. (Smiles)

- Oh Really! (Uncomfortable laughter)...Well, here I am!

"I'm sorry. I never got to ask for your name. From the way you rushed off a few days ago, I was beginning to think my breath smelled! " (Laughs then Smiles).

-Oh yeah, about that...I had a business meeting to get to. I just ran in the library to wait for the call. Don't worry, it wasn't you that made me rush off! (Smiles at him, then looks away)

"Great! Well, I would love to get your phone number. Maybe we can get together for coffee sometime?"

-Oh sure...my name is Kierston and my phone number is 555-3221. What is your name?

" Noah...Noah Carter."

- Well Noah, its nice to have a name to go along with the handsome smile that I've grown fond of over the last week. Noah....I like it. It sounds so...

-"Biblical! (Burst of mutual laughter) I know...you don't see many black guys with biblical names anymore. Most are made up these days! (laughs)

-(smiles then looks at him) I was going to say refreshing, but biblical will work too! (mutual laughter)

(looks down at watch) "Well, Miss Kierston, this time it is I that must run off! (leans over and whispers)...I will call you."
(the sound of his whispering in her ear causes goosebumps. She is instantly turned on.)

-I will be waiting. (watches him walk away.)

Damn. He is Fine! AND he has a very respectable name. Thank God! Noah Carter sounds a hell of a lot better than Ja'Mericas Browman. I bet he works for a successful law firm or maybe he is a billionaire Advertisement Executive. He dresses very well and smells so good. What was his scent? Burberry? Whatever it was he had me at HELLO! He just might be the man of my dreams after all! This is so cool! I shouldn't have told him I would be waiting for him to call me. That would just make him think that I was too available. Hell, who am I kidding?  I NEED A MAN!!  Noah, Call me now, please!
Oh Snap! He wants to go for coffee...I don't drink coffee! I hope it was just a figure of speech! Maybe he meant lunch or dinner. Oh My God!!! He wants to take me out on a date! What will I wear? I have to go shopping for the perfect first date attire! I know just the place. SAKS Fifth Avenue is having a SALE!!  I'm sure he will call this weekend for sure and when he does, I will be ready! Whew!

(Weekend comes and goes. No phone call)

Ugh! I should have gotten his number. Why didn't I get his number when I had the chance? I hate waiting by the phone. I need to get out of this house. I have been waiting all weekend for him to call me and I hadn't gotten one phone call. I need a distraction to take my mind off of Noah Carter, the handsome stranger. I'm going to the club with the girls tonight. Maybe he will be there again. I'm going to wear the dress I bought from SAKS. No sense in letting it go to waste in the closet.

(Week comes and goes. No phone call)

It is now the weekend and there is still no word from Noah Carter. I feel like I have been stood up. Why do I feel like this? Did he tease me on purpose? I'm so frustrated. I have built this fantasy relationship in my head about Noah Carter. It wasn't real. Nothing was real. All a fantasy. I must have misread all the signs. But he whispered in my ear and called me beautiful!! What kind of person would do that and NOT mean it? He asked me out for coffee..didn't he? Is coffee an acceptable first date or is it a friendly date? Oh man, I can't believe this guy got my head so confused! I am so confused. I thought he was really into me but I guess it was just some guy flirting with me to see if he still got it!
He probably threw my phone number in the trash the minute he got it! And to think I bought a dress for  a total stranger to see me in for just one night!  I spent money on a dress for a date that never happened! I even stopped dating just in case he called me. I wanted to be free whenever he was ready! Noah Carter! More like Know A Carter! He probably gave me a fake name! So,  now am I supposed to go around the clubs and bars asking people, "Excuse me, but does anyone Know A Carter?" yeah, I've just played myself! Can't blame the guy for this one. All me!

The Secret Crush

Dear Crush,
My love life hasn't always been easy. In fact, it has been a string of bad relationships. Recently I had just broken up with my boyfriend who threw me out of his hotel room (because he didn't have a place to live) because I wouldn't have sex with him. He told me that God told him that his affection would come from his wife and I was his future wife. He said  that if I wasn't going to give him any affection then I needed to leave. He then became extremely violent screaming and yelling while throwing things around the room. He grabbed my purse from the night stand where I had put  it earlier.He then grabbed my arm, dragging me to the door, opened it with his right hand  and threw me out and with a dramatic flair threw my purse out onto the ground! Surprisingly enough, I was not upset.
Calmly I gathered my things, put on my shades, took one look at the sky and saw how beautiful it was (vowing to never put my self in this type of situation again), got in my car and I left. I never heard from him again only to receive messages that he left on my voicemail explaining how sorry he was. But on my way home I remember asking my self why I couldn't find a decent guy. After all, I didn't want much just someone who was NORMAL!
As I was driving home I saw a billboard advertising two sales associates for a real estate company. Right away I noticed your face. Your eyes caught my attention. Big beautiful hazel brown eyes!  Why couldn't I meet a guy like you? You were professional, young and ambitious. Hell, I even wanted to BE you at the moment. At that moment I knew I needed to change my atmosphere. I needed new friends and new associates. I need to be with YOU! Weeks after seeing your face on that billboard, I remember picking up a catalog for real estate companies and seeing that same advertisement. I cut it out and pasted it in a scrap book as a reminder to never settle for anything less! You were something to aspire to. Every night before I went to bed, I would take out that advertisement and stare at it for hours envisioning our life together as a power couple making millions of dollars buying re-decorating and selling houses!  It was a fantasy that I looked forward to dreaming about!
But of course I had no way of ever getting to meet you and I wouldn't dare call you so I did nothing. I went along my merry way and got back into the single swing of my life. I never thought about you  again until that fateful day you walked into my office building for a meeting with my boss! I saw you and my jaw dropped! Right then, I had to take a chance! Some how I managed to get in on the negotiation of a deal for rental property that my boss was discussing and I got to go along with you and my boss to see the property (driving in separate cars of course).
Showing homes to prospective buyers is nothing new to you. To you it was like any other day.  I was just another client to you, nothing special. To me your presence in my life at the moment was everything! You represented the possibility that dreams really do come true and the God really does answer prayers! I knew that us meeting this way was a sign! I had to be in your life somehow but unfortunately I was in no position for romance. I was working for pennies and you made millions. You wore designer suits and had millionaire clients. I wore whatever I could find on the sales rack at Walmart! You had friends that owned businesses. I had friends that worked for your friends. I wasn't your equal and I knew it! I guess I didn't want to meet you because you would realize it and break my heart. There had to be another way to get into your life.
I decided to approach you as a prospective buyer of a home myself. I convinced my self that I wouldn't technically be lying because one day I would like to buy a house. So, after agonizing over the decision to call you for a few weeks, I finally got up the nerve and dialed the number on your advertisement. It rang, you answered and your voice was so charming I almost fainted! You sounded like every thing I could have ever imagined. Your thoughts were clear and concise just like the business man I knew you would be. We set a time to meet. It was Monday at 6:00 p.m in your office.
When we met, you didn't look the same. You had lost a bit of weight and you were kind of in a rush. I knew you felt as if I was wasting your time when I told you that I had bad credit. You rushed me out and said you had another meeting. I could only imagine that you were in a hurry to get to your girlfriend or wife. I never got to ask you all the personal questions I wanted to ask because you kept it all business. I felt really awful afterwards and vowed that I would get myself together and one day be worthy of being in your life! I never saw you again until a year later.
I was working at a new job and the money was okay but not enough, but it was a lot more than what I was used to. One day while talking to a few co-workers I began surfing the web and decided to Google you. Another company came up and you were the head guy serving as their sales leader. I had to meet you again to show you that I was improved, so I called the number and set up a meeting, this time, I expressed that we had met before and that I wanted to get to know you. I felt that honesty was the best policy and I really had nothing to lose. I was more confident than I was a year ago. Well, when I got to the place to meet with you, you weren't there, however I met up with one of your associates and I talked to him. I told him that we had a mutual friend in common and he decided to help me get a job with your firm. That meant I got to see you every day! It was great, however, you never knew that was the reason for why I was there. Every chance I got I would make it my business to be where you were whenever you were in the building. I would always find a reason to empty the trash in your office, or get on the computer in the computer lab whenever you were there. I never really got the nerve to talk to you because you were either in a meeting, talking to someone else or just not paying me any attention. I started wearing low cut blouses and figure fitting slacks to work, just to see if you would notice. I drew attention but it wasn't from you but your associate on your team. He was cool but I really wanted you!
Your associate asked me out and I turned him down. I took the opportunity to tell him that I had feelings for you and that was the only reason I had accepted the job. He laughed in my face and told me that you thought I was a joke! A silly little girl looking for attention. He told me that you knew I was interested in you and he said that you ignored me on purpose just to see if I would speak to you just as a game! You laughed at me! You made fun of me behind my back, then you started to flirt with one of my co-workers just to annoy me! I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, that I faked an illness and never went back to work for your company ever again. That experience made me realize that I had put you on a pedestal. I used you as a motivation for my success. You were the prize that I never really won and I never realized why until now.
Now that I am successful in my own right I realize that I used you to motivate me to reach my goal. You represented power and success, which was something I wanted! When I couldn't have you at that moment, I took it as if I couldn't be powerful or successful. I inevitably  got depressed, angry and really embarrassed but most of all humiliated. Not towards you but toward myself for ever feeling that way about you. It was crazy of me to seek you out like that and force myself into your life, only to never get up the nerve to talk to you. I don't blame you for thinking of me as a weirdo! Trust me, seeing myself through your eyes was definitely a wake up call. I had to find another way to motivate myself to get to where I wanted to be. I just had to learn patience.
I never gave up seeking power or success, I just gave up on ever wanting you because the idea of you being powerful and successful was a hell of a lot better than the reality of you. In reality, you are a jerk and I was a fool for ever thinking that your life was any better than the life I could create for myself! I had a foolish crush on you. I had a secret crush! Secret crushes only lead to stalking and that was never my intention. But one thing is for sure though, I will never make that mistake of secretly crushing over a guy I don't even know. I know who I am now. I am a woman that knows what she wants and will never be afraid to go after it! That is just the type of woman I am, but this time, there won't be any secrets and I won't be afraid of rejection because I know I am a good catch. If a man won't have me in his life then it is HIS LOSS! From now on, I live my life like its gold!

The Special Friend

To My "Special Friend",
I remember the day when we first met. It was a cool fall afternoon. You were leaving the bookstore and I was entering the bookstore. I remember that day because I was going to look for a book on how to get back in shape. When I broke up with my last boyfriend, I vowed not to be insecure and decided to makes some changes in my life. That day was a defining moment for me and meeting you on that day had proven it. When you held the door open for me you smiled and said hello. When our eyes met, you took my breath away! I told myself that I would never fall for the same guy again so, I said hello and kept it moving!
You were handsome, and very attractive, yet I could no longer allow myself to fall for such a guy right off the bat. I thought about you for a few moments after that but by the end of the day I had forgotten all about you. A week went by and I went back to the bookstore, and there you were again, leaving as I was exiting! Again you spoke to me but this time you were more confident and asked for my phone number. I never really expected it. I was suppose to spout out a fake number as I have always done when guys I'm not interested in ask for my digits but this time, I blurted out my real one! However, I know guys and they usually never call.  I had always thought that a lot of them just ask for the number just to see if they can get it and you were no exception. Oh well! After a few weeks of not  one single phone call from you, I forgot about you AGAIN.
So you can understand how surprised I was when I saw you in Walmart! You were entering this time, and I was exiting the store. I noticed that you had two personal cell phones and a bluetooth device in your right ear. I always told myself not to go for guys with two cell phones because it usually indicates that they are players and have multiple women if they don't have their own business. Be for real, what other reason must a person have two cell phones? Well, either that or they just don't have any time to spend on new relationships.
 Either way, when you approached me and  assured me that you hadn't forgotten about me and that you would call, I surprisingly felt relieved. I don't know why because everything in my mind is telling me you are not the one but I'm lonely and I really could use the distraction from my boring life.
You finally made the call to me and by that time I had become really excited and looking forward to whatever kind of relationship this was.  It really didn't matter to me at that point if you were a player or not.
Our first date was nice. We went for a walk in the park and we talked and shared our hopes and dreams. Wow! I never imagined what a real honest date would be like and you showed me. You never pressured me into anything, you allowed me to be myself and that was something I wasn't used to. You were a welcoming distraction that turned into something in the story books. By our 10 week anniversary I was head over heals in love and no one could tell me otherwise. I didn't care about the phone calls, the text messages, and the secret emails. I didn't care that whenever we became intimate, you always had something urgent to do afterwards. I didn't care that I never met your family or your close friends. All I wanted was you and I usually get what I want. For the moments that we were together I had you over and over and over again. I didn't want those private moments between us to ever end. I took full advantage of the time we spent together because I knew deep down that it would never last. But it did.
Our relationship lasted longer than I would have ever hoped it would considering your little confession. You told me that you were seeing another woman but you were not intimate with her like you were with me. She was your girlfriend, but I was your lover! You told me anything I wanted from you I could have. I told you all I wanted was you and you told me I had you. But I did have you. I had you up until your wedding day! She got your love, friendship and respect. All I got from you was your body. You know what? I may have been happy with that 7 years ago, but as I sit here and read your text messages, voicemail messages, and emails about how you miss me and still want to be with me, I'm sorry but its just not enough anymore.
Today I just turned thirty years old and I am not the same silly little school girl that believe everything a guy tells her. You see, I no longer hang on every word and expect you to mean what you say because you really don't mean what you say, but you definitely mean what you do. You did get married to another woman that is not me, and for that I will never forgive you. I will never speak to you again and our communication from this point on is no longer something I want. I no longer want you. I am a better woman because you taught me a valuable lesson, If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then damn it, its a duck! You sir are a duck and now I know for a fact that my time with you was not completely in vain because now I can weed out the insignificant relationships in my life! I wish you luck in your marriage because you will need it. If you cheated on her for this long, you will never stop. Some women may not mind being the wife of a man who cheats, but that's only if they never know.

Voice Mail

Wednesday 12:35 p.m.
Message #1:  The person you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!
Hey Sweetie, its me. Just thought I would call to let you know I was thinking about you. I would love to spend some time with you this weekend. Call me when you get this message.

Thursday 8:15 a.m.
Message #2:  The person you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!
Hey sweetie, its me again. If you called me back, I may not have received your text or message because my phone died. Anyway, call me when you receive this message.

Friday 5:09 p.m.
Message #3: The person you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!
Hey babe! I hadn't heard from you in a while. Just calling to confirm our date tomorrow at 7p.m. like we discussed on Tuesday. Let me know something. Call me back!

Saturday 3:50 p.m.
Message # 4: The person you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!
Okay, I haven't heard from you in a few days and now I  am assuming that A- something bad has happened to you or B- you are being a jerk! I really don't want to believe that you are a jerk so, please call me back!

Saturday 10:08 p.m.
Message #5: The person you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!
I can't believe that you would be so dumb as to bring that girl on the same date  we were supposed to be on. Yes! I saw you with that girl in the pink scarf sitting a few rows up from me in the theater! I'm sure you didn't think I would come without you, but you were mistaken! I hope I never see you again! JERK!

Saturday 10:15 p.m.
Message #6: The person you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!
So, I guess I was just the back up to the girl you really wanted to go out with! Its cool! I have a back up plan too! Tomorrow I'm going out with your brother. That's right, the one you said that everyone thinks is better than you! The one you are so jealous of! Yeah! That GUY! LOSE MY NUMBER!!

Saturday 10:30 p.m.
Message #7: The person you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!
ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOLLLLEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Saturday 11:00 p.m.
Voice mail Messenger Reply : Mailbox 5559654 is full. Goodbye!

The Trick

To The Other Woman,
I am a woman scorned by the lack of love. I was in a relationship with a man who never loved me for over three years. I remember confessing my love for him and asking him if he would leave his girlfriend and be with me forever and his only reply was, " I know you love me and want to be with me, silly! But I can't because I am with somebody!" It wasn't the 'being with somebody' that sent me over the edge, because I have broken up with him and taken him back, time and time again. No. What finally did it for me was that he called me 'Silly'! That word struck a nerve in me like nothing I have ever heard before, partly because he was right! Silly. Oh how I have been so silly! It was silly of me to think I had a future with this trifling, no good, two-timing loser. It was silly of me to think he could love me the way I wanted to be loved. He could never love me. To him, I am nothing but a silly little girl who's desire for attention and validation left her begging for scraps from a full course meal cooked to perfection in her honor. My silliness blinded me from the reality, replacing it with a fantasy! He called me silly! He saw me as silly and for that I am ashamed and embarrassed. Why have I subjected myself to such shame and humiliation over and over again?! He saw the silliness of my thinking. The  truth within me-buried so deep it was beyond my comprehension. I have allowed this to happen for the sake of affection for one night of many with each month of the year because that was how often he wanted to see me. I have fallen for his trick but I have a better one.
Guys like this are full of tricks and are extremely sneaky. They pride themselves on knowing how to cover their tracks. They can build a web of lies so good that even they start to believe them to be true. To get even with a guy like this, you have to beat them at their own game. Who knows, if you are successful, you may be able to make some money off them!
You must know that this type of guy is an unintelligent, over-confidant liar!  He lies to his wife/girlfriend about how much he loves her and that she is the only one for him. He lies about his whereabouts. He does this on  a regular basis because he has to. He is extremely over confidant because he has done this so many times without getting caught, he think he is a natural. He knows that if you ever decide to tell his wife/girlfriend the real deal, there is a 50/50 chance that she won't believe you and he is betting she won't! What's more interesting is that he is not very bright. He tells you (the other woman) everything! You know more about his freaky escapades than his significant other does. He tells you the things he could never tell his wife/girlfriend because that will ruin the image of the man he fraudulently poses to be. You know every woman he has ever been with- all the way down to the very freaky detail of the encounter.
He thinks that by telling you these things you may feel privileged  and special; whereby forming a false connection because of his openness.Opening up to you makes up for you being second best (or third best) and so on. It's also good for him to to release this burden of secrecy. There lies some level of trust because after all, you are a secret as well. You will never tell because you enjoy being privileged and special as I have felt. I enjoyed feeling special. I thought he needed me! but he was just using me and I allowed him to do it.
But not anymore! This time I felt it best to get even with him!  I didn't like being known to be silly! So I got even.
After we hooked up for the last time, I waited three weeks before I called him and told him that I was pregnant. I told him that I was upset that it came to this and that since he wasn't going to be with me that I was going to have an abortion because there was no way that I could raise a child on my own while the father was with another woman. He agreed because he was selfish like that! I told him that since I was going to have the abortion and that it was his child, he would have to pay for it. I told him that since the clinic was out of town and that I had to stay a week in a hotel, that he would have to send me three thousand dollars, $1500 to cover the procedure, and $1500 for the hotel and food. He agreed. After that I told him once the procedure was done, that I would call him and after that I would never see him again! I told him it was too painful. He wired me the money straight to my bank account, I called him to tell him I received the money and I never heard from him again! Wow! Its a good thing I wasn't really pregnant!

The Man of My Dreams

Dear Husband of One Year,
Shakespeare said it best, "To be, or not to be?-That is the question!". That is the question I ask my self every time I think of our relationship. Its hard waking up every morning not knowing what to expect and being swayed like the wind with doctrines and idealism that only you seem to comprehend. Its extremely tiresome to come home from work put the key in the front door and dread what is on the other side. To be or not to be? Will this be the final straw that breaks the camel's back or shall I say MY back? I am at a crossroad with you because you just don't think things through. You are all about the here and now and to me that is childish. I don't want any children right now, we discussed it! So, I can't raise you and I shouldn't have to. I thought you were an adult but it looks like I'm in love with a little boy. Ugh! You are so frustrating at times! Why can't you be more like the man of my dreams?
The man of my dreams cleans the house when I come home from work. He cooks dinner and runs my bath water and puts rose petals in them. The man of my dreams calls me 'sweetie' and 'honey' and 'dear'. Not, 'dude'! The man of my dreams is so romantic. We go for walks in the park and have picnics in the back yard, and at night, we layout a blanket and count the stars! I'm in love with the man of my dreams! He NEVER lets me down. When he says he is gonna do something, he does it! He puts me first before anything else! The man of my dreams lets me know he loves me by bringing me flowers just because he wants to for no particular reason at all! At one time, I thought you were the man of my dreams, that's why I married you. You swept me off my feet for six months then we got engaged! Then, six months later, we got married!
We met, got engaged and got married all in one year! Our love was a story book romance until we moved in together. The reality set in! You fart in your sleep, you belch after every meal which almost made me vomit! Your feet smell and you leave your shoes all over the house! You no longer work out, so your belly hangs over your belt, and your back is so hairy, you can walk outside with no shirt on and no one would ever notice!  And for the love of God, BRUSH YOUR TEETH! Its like you stopped doing what it took to attract me to you.
Who are you and what have you done with the man of my dreams? I feel as if I had been lied to for a year! Honestly, If I knew you were this gross, I never would have married you. Stinky breath is a deal breaker for sure! So, honey...I love you, but unless you do something about your hygiene and start loving me the way you used to I don't think we will make it to our 3 year anniversary! Be the man of my dreams again!

Over Before It Really Started

To Some Guy,
If I had to go on actions alone then I would say you have made your thoughts about me crystal clear. You told me the reason why you never called me after our date was that you were afraid to hurt my feelings and you did not want me to take my hurt out on the next guy. You were sparing me any pain. Wow! You really are lame to think that, as if you are so great and have that much control over my life. Sweetie, I am not one of these fragile women who gets their heart broken by ONE guy and thinks all men are that way. I am also not the kind of woman needing a man in her life just to validate her self worth. My happiness is my responsibility not yours or anyone else for that matter.
You have the audacity to call me and leave me a message on my voicemail about this idea that you don't want to cause another woman to be bitter. Are you serious? What kind of women have you been dating? Okay, in case you haven't heard, you are not all that! You are the type of man that expect me to lie down and cower to you just because you winked at me from across the room, blew a kiss and asked for my phone number. That is nothing compared to the weekends I spent in Aspen and the trips to Europe, and the seasonal tickets I have to all the championship games every year. My point, I've had better, and I don't need your flirty behavior to make me feel special. In fact, your flirting made me feel common because you flirt with everyone. Our relationship was not all that great anyway. When I did call you, half the time you never answered the phone. When you did answer the phone, you were too busy to devote your time to a real conversation. After our first date you called me once and that was to say you were going out of town. It was a confusing time for me because you were saying you wanted to spend time with me and be with me, but your actions prove otherwise.
In my experience, guys who usually give mixed signals like this means that they are not looking for a serious relationship. I suspect that is the case with you as well. You just want to lead me to believe that you want a relationship just so you can get sex. You say you looking for love and want someone you can be with, but you refuse to make anytime to be with anyone other than the time you want to spend which is in the bed. If I weren't a smart woman and could not read the signs, I might have fallen for you. But I did not! I am stronger than I look. I understand your situation. You are not emotionally available right now and you looking for a different type of relationship that what I am looking for. You don't have to make excuses of why you do not want to be with me. In fact, if you were just honest up front, then maybe we could have been friends and could have talked about it like adults rather than playing cat and mouse games.
Its okay because I have moved on but I hope that next time you date someone, you will be honest about your intentions and what you are looking for in the beginning. Then, maybe you will up your chances of finding real love. Best of luck to you.

Cooking In A Dirty Kitchen

To My Dearest,
My mother always said never to cook in a dirty kitchen and I always thought she meant household duties. She would say, "Keep your house clean, especially the kitchen, because a man don't want food cooked and prepared in a dirty kitchen!". She believed men were simple, uncomplicated and that we women were the ones that complicated things. She told me all men needed to be happy were food, sex, and sleep and if they could get all three in the same place from the same woman, they were lucky, blessed even. I never really understood what she was telling me until I was in my thirties dealing with my second marriage. Her words haunted me, and in an instant that one night, while in your arms for the last time, I knew what she was trying to get me to understand.
All this time I blamed you. I blamed you for the miscarriage of our first baby. I blamed you for going outside our marriage for what you said was a 'break' from all the pressures of being married. I blamed you for a lot of things only because it was so easy to be the victim. It was so easy to put all the responsibility of keeping our marriage together on you. I placed so much significance on sexual infidelity that I didn't consider the emotional and psychological infidelity that I contributed.
Looking back on things I realized what I did to push you away. I stopped talking you. I withheld sex from you and I alienated you from my life by not including you in decisions that I made that effected the both of us. I made you feel unwanted and undesirable. The reasons were not that clear as they are now. I wanted you to feel  pain. I wanted you to feel hurt and humiliated the same way I felt when people asked me about the pregnancy and the due date! I hated how you just brushed off the miscarriage so quickly like it was no big deal. It was a big deal to me and it should have been  a big deal to you. Instead, you just went on like nothing happened. Deep down I was suffering! Drowning in my own sorrow and yearning for the baby I expected to have, I resented you for wanting me to go on with my life. I hated how you could smile and go out with your friends like nothing happened. I was jealous of you because unlike you, I still looked pregnant and strangers would ask me when my due date was and I would have to lie as opposed to telling the truth and risk being humiliated.  But you didn't know any of this and how could you because I never told you. I never gave you the opportunity to be there for me.
I know you loved me and would do anything for me, but I allowed jealousy and a contrite spirit to ruin my love for you. As much as I would love to blame you right now, I can't because I played a significant part in why you disappeared from our marriage. I wrote this in a letter because I know that if I told you in person, you would want to try and make our relationship work, and right now, I can't. Right now I am working on me. I need some much needed therapy so I have enrolled in group therapy for women who lost babies. Its not much but its a start to getting myself together.With hope, maybe I can become the woman my mother would be proud of and eventually be the type of woman a man will feel blessed to have, lucky even. Its time I stop cooking in a dirty kitchen and start cleaning up the mess around me that I call my life. I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me and be friends. I wish you all the best out of life and take care.

Love U, But Not In Love With U

Dear Jon,
I can only imagine how you must feel right now. No, I know how you are feeling because I have been there. I have been the person being dumped. You are afraid to move on and I understand. However, you should really move on and let me go. Really, our relationship was not that serious and if you really took some time to think about it, you would agree! We had some really good times together as friends! There was no romance involved at all. We never even held hands or kissed. You are acting so strange because I keep telling you that nothing has changed and that I don't feel the same way you do. I've heard it plenty of times from you that you want there to be something more between us. But there is just nothing there.
You can't keep showing up at my home without calling first and expect me to drop what I am doing to hear you out. Doing that will not change my mind, it will only drive me away. You call me a hundred times  a day and when I answer you say the same stuff. Let it go! You are making me not want to even be your friend anymore. I get it! You want there to be something more to us. But I'm not looking for more I'm sorry! I don't feel the same way. I like our friendship the way it is.
You know,  if I wasn't a real friend to you I would never tell you this. I would just string you along but you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are. You deserve someone that will give you the love that you need and are looking for. You are a really nice guy, and yes I am sure you will fulfill every fantasy I have but, I don't want you to. I would much rather see you love and be loved by someone else who will appreciate what you are willing to offer. That person is just not me. So, you can stand to call me a little less and stop dropping by my house and showing up at my job with roses  because its sending the wrong message to my co workers. Besides, you and I have always been friends, so lets not ruin it with romance. Maybe a few years from now when you are married, I will probably think that you were that one that got away, sure! But for now, its not going to happen.I love you too much as a friend to ever put the burden of romantic feelings on our friendship! 
Look at it this way, if you become my boyfriend, who will I confide in when you and I get into arguments? You are my only friend and if we don't work out, it will be too awkward to remain friends. No, lets keep it simple okay? Just promise you won't do any more crazy and humiliating stuff to embarrass yourself  when it comes to this and I swear we can still be friends if not, then I'm sorry but I will have to keep my distance. I love you but I'm not in love with you!

From No Class to High Class With a Glossy Finish

To Whom This May Concern,
I know you. You are the type of man that allows himself to believe that women owe you something. Just because you believe that you are scarce or that there is not enough of  men like you to go around, you actually believe that there is no need to strive for excellence because even in your mediocrity you will come out on top. You will get the girl because, after all,  the women out number the men right? I mean, with the jail population rising and the unemployment rate soaring,  just because you have a job and moderately good looks, a woman should be lucky to have you. But that is not true. The women you have dated have put you on a pedestal by not believing they deserve more! In fact, the women you date (whom you purposely go after) have low self esteem and are constantly looking for it in a man. They look for a man to validate them instead of God. But what's so surprising about that is you also need validation. You go after these types of women because they are easy to achieve.
The low cut dress, the skin tight leggings and the lingerie clad women, all of this screams for attention and the need to be validated. You purposely go for these women because they want you, the mediocre man. You don't have to be polite, open up doors, pull out chairs or respect them at all. They will love you for just being with them and if you are extra lucky, you will get one who won't require you to pay any bills. Just spend quality time with her when ever you can, that is enough for her. After all, you have a lot of these women in your life and you have to balance your time spent with all of them.
You are the type of man that gets his validation through quantity not quality and the women you attract get their validation by being the one you spend the most time with. Sometimes they know they aren't the only one you are with. They don't care. They just want to say they have a man and flaunt him in front of friends and family. " Look what I got, I told you somebody wants me. I must be worth something after all".  If you are looking for that type of woman then you got the wrong one!
I'm not settling for mediocrity. I am achieving greatness and I want a man that is striving for it as well. There is nothing more attractive to me than a man with a vision and a passion to see it through. I want a man that I can help and who wants my help to achieve his greatness! I deserve to have a man that respects me and my opinions and motivates me to be the best woman I can be. I need a man with class in his character. Some one who opens doors and pulls out chairs without me having to ask. I deserve to have someone that loves and admires me to the point of seeking no other women in bars and night clubs or anywhere else. I need a man that values family and God. A man, led by the spirit of God, puts God first above all else by never making decisions without seeking God's counsel. The man I deserve knows that only God can bring a man from no class to high class with a glossy finish! If you know any guys like that just send them my way! And as for you, well, there is a woman that lives next door to me named Becky. If you want her number let me know, I am sure she is more your type!

Long Distance Love Affair

Dear Love,

I love you and I love you even more now that you and I live so far apart from each other. What is it about being so far away that makes my words flow like poetry from my heart? Oh how I long for your sweet caress and your strong yet gentle bond of love that consoles and fills me to the brim with anticipation and adoration. Your love is like a gentle cool breeze flowing in the summer's heat-I'm always wanting more! I must confess that since you have been gone, my love for you has grown significantly and judging by the letters you used to write me, you feel the same way. Your letters, your emails, and phone calls were a comfort to me, and they showed me that you cared. I want to know If you are thinking of me and I want to know if the love we have is still alive in your heart.

When you awake in the morning do you think of me? When you go jogging in the morning, and you see the sun rise, do you feel closer to me knowing that it is the same sun rise that I am looking at? When you look up at the stars at night, do you wonder if I am looking up at the stars too? I wonder those things about you!

I feel closer to you knowing that we share the same sun, moon and stars above! I feel closer knowing that you and I can still be together by living in the same world even though only a few miles makes us feel worlds apart! I miss you so much and it has been so long since I have gotten a phone call or email from you. We used to Skype each other every night before we went to bed, now I'm lucky to even get a text message. I'm going crazy! My mind is reeling over where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing! I cannot stand the agony of not knowing where we stand with one another! 

Did something bad happen to you where you can't get to a phone? Have you found someone else? Please! Just communicate what is going on with you! It's been a week and I have not heard anything from you, and we usually communicate daily! Are you upset that I didn't call you on your birthday because I told you my phone died and that is still no reason to not communicate with me. Sweetheart, you can't just stop talking to me as if we see each other everyday!

Our relationship is complicated by the fact that it is a long distance relationship! If  we don't communicate with one another, we no longer have a relationship! You can't expect me to wait on you to call me! I'm agonizing over the thought of whether or not we are over or still together! So, I am giving you until Friday to call me and let me know what's going on. If I do not hear from you by Friday, I will govern myself according to the assumption of you moving on with your life. I hope that I hear from you soon-Love You!

Note to Self

Dear Self,

 You say you walk by faith and not by sight? Then tell me, how long will you continue to play the victim? How long will you act a fool for loved ones that never return the favor? How long will you sit on the sidelines and watch other people live the life you were meant to live? You have gifts but you refuse to use them. Instead, you would much rather live life through others because you think they have it better. You think everyone has a better life than yours! You really can't stand the way your life is right now.  News flash! Your life is the way it is because of the decisions YOU have made! So when are you going to do something about that? You are the author and the sole maker of what you have surrounded yourself with. You sit around and watch reality TV shows and think that is how you should live. You work and sleep and expect a man is suppose to knock on your door and ask you to marry him! You dream of winning the lottery but never buy a lottery ticket! You spend most of your free time sleeping rather than living and enjoying your own life! You fail to do anything with the creative gifts you were given. My God woman, where is your faith??

Sweetie, the WORLD is waiting for you to move! Do SOMETHING! Anything is better than nothing at all. Yeah, I know all of your excuses "I'm too fat, I need to lose weight then I can go out and have a good time!" or "Yeah I can sing, but they aren't looking for people that can sing, its an image they want and I don't fit that!"  and my favorite, "I want everything to be perfect and done right before I start this new book project!" You want to know a secret? Nothing is perfect! I have bought novels by bests selling authors that have had spelling mistakes and errors in them, yet they still sold millions! The point I am trying to make to you is that perfection is not what makes a person unique. It is the imperfections-the flaws that build character and add flare to a person's life. Don't ever use perfection as an excuse not to get started or to fail to do something because you will never achieve it! You talk about faith but where is it? You aren't living a life of faith right now!  Faith is about taking action hoping for a end result that was greater than what you first started from.

My advise to you, my dear, is to start doing something! You can seek perfection, never to achieve it, and still be great! Stop comparing your life to others and using their actions as an excuse not to do your part! Everyone has a role to play. Just be the best YOU that you can be and let your gifts shine to the world so that others just like you will become inspired! Renew that passion and zeal for a successful life that you once had before!

Remember, your life is a journey of paths filled with twists and turns. Some paths have pot holes and boulders that are there only to discourage you from moving forward. When that occurs, you must recognize it and decide to either forfeit or overcome! Faith is not about waiting for something to happen. So get a move on! Gather your faith and courage and just do it! It will be all worth it in the end! I promise! 

My beloved, be encouraged, be inspired, but most of all be blessed!

The Club Hopper

Dear Mystery Man,
As I scan the room of a half empty club romper room, I met your eyes before I even met you! Your eyes' glare was so intense it made me uncomfortable so I shifted my body as to look as though I wouldn't notice you getting up and walking over to where I was. "Hi." You said and I replied. As you stood there explaining why you were so caught up in what you said was my "beauty", I continued to scan the room and noticed your friends watching you from afar. They see me watching them as you continue to talk and start to giggle and slap high fives! What's that all about I wonder?  I allow you to continue to talk. We shared a hello, and I asked you a few questions and you told me you were "dating" and had been in a relationship for two years and you had children. That was all I needed to know of you, yet you continued to talk.  You must have picked up on my lack of interest after that because you began to say that women judge relationships based on years and men judge them based on giving someone enough time to tell if you you really want to be with that person.
So, I allowed you to think you had me with that bogus line because it was early and you hadn't had enough drinks in you yet. I was alone waiting on my friends to get there, once they got there I went off to be with them and for some reason you continued to follow me. You danced with all of my friends, then you tried to get me on the dance floor. I don't dance, besides, I came to look cute not to dance.
Finally, after a few drinks you let your intentions  be known. "Look, just let me know when you get ready to go so I can rub your feet! I'm serious!" You wanted to go home with me, after just one night, and even after you  told me you were in a relationship for two years with children! Wow! I guess your woman really trust you to go to the club or maybe she has no idea where you are right now! Either way, you aren't the type of guy I would waste energy and time with. You are unavailable posing as available. You are a fake lure that caught a fish and the fish is disappointed that the lure wasn't  a real worm on the end of the hook!
Lucky for me I can spot a joke of a man based on the things he says and you are a joke! I laughed so hard, I could barely stand. Before the club closed, I left before you noticed I was gone. I don't know you and you don't know me. You are a mystery and I'd like to keep it that way!

Digging For Gold

Love,
I am writing you this letter to explain who I am and what I am all about. Remember when you took me to meet your family and your mother was giving me those funny looks and told you that she didn't think I was the right fit for you? Well, she was right. When I first met you, I was attracted not to you but everything you had and what you could offer to my life. Growing up in poverty was never easy for me. I grew up in the projects where the only goal was to get pregnant by somebody just to get some government assistance. My mother always told me that having a man to provide for me was the only way for me to get out of being poor. She said the reason our family was so broke is because she didn't have a man to provide for her. She drilled it in me and my sisters' brains that once we become of age to always gain the attention of men and she showed us how. My sister snagged the captain of our high school basketball team, and he eventually went to the pros, but not before getting my sister pregnant! They ended up getting married and now my sister lives in a mansion in Beverly Hills.
When you and I got together you were saying all the right things. You said that you would provide for me, pay all my bills, buy me a car and keep me looking fly in the latest and greatest clothing styles and shoes. You even bought me a big house to prove your worth and I enjoyed every minute of it. You showed me the kind of life I always thought I deserved. I was trying my darnedest to get pregnant by you but somehow I could never do it. I thought the money would last forever, but when the housing market fell through and you lost all of your clients, we became broke. We were still spending money like we were still rich, and ended up losing the house. Now, here we are living with your mother trying to make ends meet. All I can feel right now is betrayed! You said you would provide and take care of my needs and you haven't. I know I should be more understanding and care about how this makes you feel, but I wasn't raised like that. So, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I have been seeing Tom, your ex boss. He has promised to take care of me and provide for me the way you promised but could not. I hope you find yourself a way out of this rut you are in and when you do, give me a call!

The Swinger

Love,
Everybody told me how you were no good but I did not listen. I was never the type to go on other people's opinions about who I date. I took a risk on you because I saw your potential but potential means nothing if you can't see it in yourself. I love you for the person you are and not for the things we do together. I remember how people you used to approach me, telling me where they saw you and who you were with. How they think you are up to no good and all that. Yeah, I stood there and listened intuitively as to not give them any inclination that I knew what was going on as if you hadn't already told me where you were and what you were doing and who you were with. I never let them know that because I didn't feel that it was any of their business. The type of relationship that you and I have is between you and me. I don't think anyone would understand. That is why I always acted surprised and in shock and disbelief when friends and family would approach me with things like that. I don't know, maybe apart of me didn't want people to know that I was actually okay with what you were doing. I picked fights with you in public just to throw everyone off the trail. I thought that letting them believe you were cheating on me was far more acceptable than us having an open relationship. I did not want anyone to know that our special relationship involved other people. I guess part of me feels a bit ashamed about it because I was raised to respect commitment and faithfulness. I think I have allowed you to think I am okay with it, when deep down I'm really not. I had hoped that once you see me with another guy, you would think twice about the arrangement and want to be faithful-that never happened!
But, because I loved you and didn't want to lose you, I did what you asked because I know that having an open relationship is what you wanted. You said it would work as long as we were open and honest and communicated with one another. The rules were that you We would have to meet each others friend and If we liked them then we could date them. If I liked your female friend then you could date her, and if you liked my guy friend I could date him. We were not supposed to form intimate connections with them, just sex. For me, this agreement was a little weird at first but I eventually got into the swing of things. But, I never expected that I would fall in love with another man! His name is Josh and he really wants to be with me and ONLY me! We share all the same values about love and commitment. You know, the values I discarded once I started dating you! Josh want marriage and children and  I know that is something you don't want right now. I'm not getting any older and I can't keep lying to my friends and family about our relationship. Josh asked me to marry him last night  and I told him I would think about it, because I was considering you. But I don't see a future with us the way I see one with him. So, I am going to tell him yes, but I wanted to let you know before I do so.
To be honest, I never really wanted an open relationship, I just did it because you wanted it. But in a way, I'm glad I did it because it led me to Josh! So, in a way you brought us together! Thank you, and good luck with your life! -By the time you read this I would have already moved out, so no need to try to contact me because I changed my phone number! Best of luck to ya!

The Ex-Fiance

To My Ex-Fiance,
Yesterday was a day like none other. It was a day that I will remember for years and years to come.Yesterday was our wedding day!  You should have seen me! Finally, after 35 years of being single, I had finally found my soul mate. The mystery had unfolded itself and  it was you!All of my hopes and dreams have all become reality! You were my intended husband! I had dreamed of becoming your wife since the first time I laid eyes on you. The day we met was like a fairy tale! You wined and dined me, up until the very night you proposed to me and I said yes! You took my breath away and everyone knew you were mine!
All the women in the church were jealous of our love. They talked about us non stop but we didn't care. I didn't care because being with you was all I cared about. I didn't mind not seeing you for weeks at a time, because when we did spend time together, you pulled out all the stops. Hell, If it wasn't diamonds, it was expensive trips around the world! I never was one to brag about being a kept woman, but you sure kept me! I never missed a hair appointment, masseuse  or spa treatment! My nails always stayed fly thanks to you.  When you asked me to quit school, I did! When you asked me to sell my car so I could drive yours, I did! When you asked  me to move away from my family to closer to yours, I did! I never questioned your motives, I just did whatever you asked of me because I was so in love with you. I was so blinded by love that I never in my wildest imagination would have thought you  would do this to me! I never thought that you would leave me at the altar!
I have heard of runaway brides, but grooms? That is just sad! How could you stand me up after 5 years of dating 3 of which we lived together?  You told me I was the love of your life! You proposed to me remember? Why do that and have me plan and invite all these people knowing you were never going to show up? I'm speechless! I should have known something was up when your parents didn't show up! I just thought everyone was running late! I called your phone number and it had gotten disconnected! Wow, in a day? Really? You just leave me with no warning, no word and no explanation? It is really bad when I had to hear everything from your brother- He told me everything!
He said that you never really loved me. He told me about your high school sweetheart, how she dumped you a couple of months before we met. You were so in love with her that you decided to date women that looked like her, dressed like her, smelled like her! Surprise! I guess that simpleton was me, huh! Now that I think of it, I never understood why you treated me the way you did, as if we had known each other forever. I also know that within a year after we moved in together, you started dating her again and had gotten her pregnant! I really played myself on this one!
People tried to tell me but I refused to listen! I said they were just jealous! little did I know that while you were out with her, I was busy playing the fool! I was home playing the doting wife! Just thinking about it makes me angry! Why ask me to marry you if you loved her that much? I guess you couldn't leave me so you decided to play us both until you made your decision! I heard you married her at The Justice of The Peace on the same day you and I were to be married! How classy of you! Well, at least I got the diamonds! I won't keep them, I will just pawn them to get the money I spent for this stupid ass wedding! Just thinking about you makes me angry and want revenge! So tonight, I will burn everything that ever reminds me of you and am moving back home! I will finish school, and never think about you ever again! I will never make the mistake of forsaking all for the sake of one man! Nobody is worth that sacrifice but God! And last time I checked, you aren't Him!

The Ex-Girlfriend

To My Ex-Boyfriend,

Who can find a virtuous woman? You, that is who and yet you took me for granted by disrespecting me!

I have my own business to run. I work out 3 times a week and I volunteer at an animal hospital! Yet I somehow made time for you. It was as if you had stopped trying to love me or  try to know anything about me. We have only been dating for a year and you are getting bored already? I mean, its cool, you can tell me the truth. I'm not some weak woman who can't take rejection. If you are anything like the kind of man I thought you were, you could have at least told me what the deal was. I just wish you would have respected me enough to tell me to my face that you were no longer interested and that you decided to see someone else.

What is the term you guys use on the street,  "Just Keep It Real"? Well keep it real with me!

How am I supposed to just know how you feel if you never express them to me? See that's why its hard to find a "real" man these days. Too many boys playing house wanting to be the man, playing the part of the man, but when it comes to real man responsibility like honor, integrity, loyalty and such, you want to go running scared. All of a sudden you no longer want to confront what you feel, you would rather ignore it and hope it goes away. Most of the time you get away with it because nobody never confronts you on your childish behavior for fear of  being labeled "crazy" or "clingy". However, I agree that there is away of handling things, but running scared? Really? I thought you were an adult? I thought you were a man! So, why when I come to your house, you got to have your buddy answer the door just to tell me lies about your whereabouts? Or, when I call you, all of a sudden you got stuff to do. Why you trying to make it seem like I'm stalking you, when the only reason I'm even trying to talk to you is to get some clarification. I'm a grown ass woman and I handle my business as such. I don't cower away from my problems. I confront them head on!

Hell, I would have respected you more if you would have just told me the truth, instead you want to go behind my back. What did you think I would do, date you for a year and just fade off into the background, not asking any questions? Or maybe this was your plan all along. Is this the games you play with other women trying to make yourself seem like you got women flocking over you?? You are acting like a high school boy! Eventually I will go away, stop calling you, and never come by your home again. But, just to make this absolutely clear to you, Don't EVER call me at 2 am again. You claimed you were drunk dialing when you saw that I wasn't going to fall for your little game! If you want us to be done, then we are done! The fact that you would call me like that and I haven't talked to you in over a month is just down right DISRESPECTFUL! From now on, if you want to talk to me, call my secretary! When I am available, then MAYBE I will return your call but don't hold your breath!

The Unsuccessful Online Dater

 Classy, Smart, Independent Woman Seeking Classy Smart, Independent Man
Warning: If you are anything like these type of guys in the following four paragraphs of my profile, DON'T BOTHER SENDING ME A MESSAGE! Everyone else, feel free! I'd love to get to know you!

To Player21,
Wow, I just saw your profile and I am confused. In your profile you  say you are looking for a classy, smart intelligent, independent woman with a great personality and a sense of humor. Well here I am but you aren't offering me very much. I too would like a classy, smart, sophisticated, independent man withe a great personality and a sense of humor. If I were to judge you on your profile alone, I would think you have a VERY good sense of humor! For starters, you say you looking for a woman? Then why did you post pictures of you and other women on your page? By posting those photos lets the woman who may be considering you feel as though you are a ladies man and unless she is the type of woman who loves a challenge, nobody wants to have to compete for a man she doesn't know. But who knows, that is just my opinion. You seem like you are in no hurry to settle down so I think I shall move on.

To MysteryMan35,
I love what you have written on your page, you seem like an interesting person to get to know. Walks in the park? Oh I love them so much! How is it that we have so much in common? You like to read, so do I! You like jet skiing, so do I! I love music, but Lou Rawls, and Frankie Beverly? I am beginning to think you maybe a little too old for me and besides, you don't have a profile picture. What are you hiding? I have to see who I am dealling with. For all I know, you could be someone playing a trick on me. How about you post a  picture of yourself then I will see if you are someone I can go out in public with. Until then, I'm going to have to keep it moving!


To Fineboy69,
I'm looking for a little more that what you are offering right now. Your profile says you are "Single and Ready to Mingle". Just how much mingling have you been doing so far? Your screen name says it all and your pictures are proof!  I see you are in the gym a lot. As I sift through your photos I can't help but notice that all your photos are shirtless! Either you have on a towel or nothing at all. I will give you one thing though and that is you have some really nice abs; but those D'Angelo poses are really not the business! I want to see you with some clothes on because that's how I would be seeing you  if I ever decided to be with you,however, it seems like you are way too into yourself than you are in getting to know anyone right now. When ever you decide to get serious just let me know. You don't always have to give all you got upfront. Less is more in your case!



 To ThuggedOut187,
Wow! With all the gold teeth, full body tattoos, wife beater tank tops, and khaki shorts with matching hats and shoes, you sure know how to make a woman drool! But I'm not drooling because you look so good! I'm drooling because you got way too much going on, so much so that you got my brain going into a seizure! I'm sorry, but you are just not my type. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that goes for the guy with the $100 worth of 1s spread out over his bed with a pistol on top!  What's interesting is that you  got the whole 'Dope Boy" image going for you, however in your profile, you are studying Law at Brown University? Really?! Your profile is very well written but your photos contradict everything you have written.I'm sure you will find your special someone. Its just not me honey!By the way good luck with your studies!

PS. Guys without a job, without a home of your own, and  who has baby mama drama also need not reply!

The Virgin Sorrow

Love,
For the past two weeks you have been calling me and leaving sweet messages on my voice mail telling me you loved me and that you can see us being together for a long time. You even told me you wanted me to have your baby and one day get married. I thought you loved me. When I called you before, you always picked up on the first ring. Now all of a sudden you let my calls go to voice mail. Why is that? Why aren't you answering your phone when I call? Don't you know that only makes me want to call you more? You are really starting to annoy me. I've left you 10 messages on your voice mail already. Nobody can be that busy! I don't enjoy blowing up your phone like this, so please answer. I don't understand why you are acting this way. I thought I was special to you. You took me to see your parents after one week of dating! You told all your friends that I might be the one and I believed you! I was a virgin before I met you, and you knew that! You told me that that's what made me special to you. You wanted to make my first time so special and unique and it was. You and I went to Cancun Mexico, stayed in a luxurious hotel. You brought the fragrant massage oils and poured rose petals on the bed! I felt like I was the luckiest woman in the world! Until the day after. You became distant and withdrawn. Whenever I tried to cuddle with you, you pulled away from me. But I didn't know any better then. As far as I knew, you were just tired and physically drained from the night before. But when we got back to the States, you stopped calling me. You stopped leaving those sweet messages that I loved so much!
I do remember calling you once and you answered the phone, but it sounded as if you were expecting someone else to be on the other line. I could hear the disappointment in your voice "..Oh, What up?". Is that all I get from you? You told me you weren't feeling well and that you needed to get some sleep and that you would call me later, but I guess later never came because I haven't heard from you in over a week!
So, I decided to go to your house and just as I was about to park my car I saw you come out of your house with another woman! You kissed her so passionately! You never did that with me?!!  I was so hurt, so upset that I just drove off crying! I cried so hard that day! You really broke my heart! I felt disappointed, but that soon turned to anger when it dawned on me that all you wanted was sex! You never wanted to be with me in the first place! You just said all that just to get me in bed because you knew I was a virgin! How naive of me to think just after two weeks of knowing you, I would have found my soul mate?  I was so blinded by the fancy gifts and gestures of love that I didn't see the bigger picture.
But now I want revenge! I want to see you hurt like you hurt me! You lied to me and  made me fall in love with you and then you turn your back on me! What kind of person does such a thing? A low down dirty dog, that's who and I want the world to see what a smut muffin you really are! I thought about slashing your tires and spray painting "whore dog" over your car! I even thought about spilling your beans to your new "wifey", but she may not believe me and vandalizing your car is too cliche. Instead, I will do nothing. I will watch while you dig yourself in a deeper hole! You will get yours, I am a firm believer in reaping what you sow. Karma is a far worse bitch than I will ever be!  So when you see all your relationships  ruined, when you see all the one you love start to love someone else, REMEMBER me! The girl you lied to just to get her in bed because she was a VIRGIN!

Soldier's Wife

Dear Soldier,
Its been three years since you have been back from Iraq and I missed you terribly while you were gone. I prayed every night for your safe return and counted the days you were gone. I never realized how much I loved you until you went away on your first tour of duty. When you were away I dreamed about what our life would be like once you returned. When you left you and I had just graduated high school. I went away to college and you went to the military. The day you left you gave me a kiss goodbye that made all the airport patrons stop and stair! It was so magical and bittersweet at the same time. I never thought I would ever see you again, even though I held out hope that you would one day return. But you did return! By the way, remember the letters you sent me? I still have them and when I am alone, I read them from time to time. Its amazing how sentimental and heart felt you got when you were miles away from everything you  have ever known.I can understand how you must have felt. You were thrust into a culture so foreign it was as if you had left the planet and went to another world.
You wrote with so much passion and love that it made me fall in love with you. The more you wrote, the more my heart longed for you. So naturally, when you came home I wanted to show you how much I missed and loved you and threw a surprise party for you. "Welcome Home Soldier!" was what the banner read. Which reminds me, that banner cost a fortune; however, it was worth every penny.
That night you proposed to me and I said YES! It was so magical! The prodigal son returns home! The whole town was celebrating your arrival! You were a hero! You could have gotten any job you wanted! Nothing was off limits for you. But after a few years of marriage, I noticed  a change. Something was different about you. You started staring off into space-day dreaming. You also began drinking heavily, and became verbally abusive towards me. Your drinking got so bad that you were let go from your job because you couldn't get out of bed to get to work on time. You began to hang out with Chuck and Larry. Those guys were bad news and everyone new it! They only hung out with you because they thought they could ride out on your fame of being a war hero! I mean free drinks in any bar? What town drunk and drug dealer wouldn't want that!?
 All of a sudden, you had everyone in town talking about your strange behavior. The same people that made you a hero could no longer stand to see you waist your life like you had. And me? Well, lets just say the day I caught you with Becky, the town slut, I knew you were beyond my help, but I loved you so I put up with a lot of crap from you.
I was there to console you when you woke up with night terrors. I was there when you couldn't sleep for weeks at a time! And God forbid a truck engine backfires, you would hall ass down the road with a  pistol! Luckily I talked the neighbors out of calling the police! I had no idea how depressed you really were. Maybe that's why you chose to do what you did. That you would take your own life! You broke my heart, but more than that you disappointed me. You disappointed all of us who loved and stood by you. Through all of the drama I went through with you, I never thought you would do such a thing! How could you leave me? How could you leave me like that? The only thing I can come up with is that maybe you went through a trauma over their in Iraq. Maybe it was something so horrible you couldn't share with anyone. You kept it to yourself, which ultimately lead to your untimely demise.
When I found your suicide note, I realized why you did it! It read,
" Dear Mom, I was born alone, I will die alone! Just like the soldiers that fought with me, because I chose to run! I didn't save them, like a hero should have! I am sorry! They should be alive, not me, so to the Army that served  with me, I gladly take your place! I AM AN ARMY OF ONE! ".
Either way, you are gone, but you will never be forgotten. I would rather remember you through the letters you wrote me, rather than remember how you died! R.I.P Army of One, you will be forever missed! You will always be a hero to me!