Caught Between Some Soft Rocks & One Ridiculously Hard Place

As I was doing your laundry I came across this note that was stuffed in your front pocket:

I never thought this day would come. We did it! We finally got married but not to each other. I never thought I would find love again after you and I parted ways. I never thought I would ever allow a man to come into my life and sweep me off my feet like the man I married. I always pictured you and I at the alter, confessing our love to one another.Deep down I still feel that way. Even though you and I have gotten involved with someone else, it never stopped us from being together. The love we have transcends marriage and time. We grow apart but some how we find each other again. To the rest of the world, we are just two people who can't stay committed  but you and I both know the truth. There is just some things your wife can't give you that you need  because you can only get it from me. There are some things my husband can't give me that I need that can only come from you. But where we go lacking, my husband and your wife more than makes up for it! Our lives are  and will forever be entangled in this foursome. Sometimes I look at my husband and wonder if he really know what I am doing and when will he ever find out that there really is no such thing as a Church Family Retreat. I just tell him that because I know he hates to travel and he hates to go near church people. Its a great cover for our romantic getaways! I wonder does your wife know about your camping trips? She hates the wilderness and the bugs and she would much rather let you go with your buddies, but the only buddy you are with is me. I love you and look forward to our vacation together

YOURS FOREVER, 

Lovely. 

I can't even get mad at you. I can only get mad at myself. When people, strangers that I have never even met, started to come up to me and tell me about your affairs, I stood by you. You told me that they were just jealous and that they needed to just mind their own business. I did, I believed you because you are good father, and a great provider for our family. But money isn't everything. And now that I see you for who you are, I can't really give you that title of provider because it looks as though God has been keeping us afloat for this long. While you have been gallivanting the streets with this other woman, I have been in the church praying for our family. But every time I pray, someone comes to tell me something about you that you ain't doing right! I knew about your fishing trips, the hotel stays, the weekend in Barcelona! I even know where she lives, in fact, I've even sat down with her husband and had really long chat about the both of you all! Do we know what you are doing? Hell yeah we know, and we have known for  a while now. At first, I didn't want to leave you because I thought that it would be an embarrassment to the family to get a divorce, but from the looks of things, we have no marriage. You spend more time with her than you do with me. Hell, I spend more time talking with her husband than she does! So you go ahead and do what you have to do. I'm not mad, I'm just mad at myself for not seeing this sooner. When you get back from your "camping trip" Me and Tyler will be long gone. Don't bother to look for us either! By the way, Tyler is not your son, I just told you that so you would marry me! MY MISTAKE!!

Teen Spirit: The All-American Teenager

I'm 16 years old and I am in my prime. I'm on the cheer squad at my high school, I babysit my nieces and nephews during the summer so I make my own money. That's how I can afford my trendy school clothes. Everyone admires me and wants to be me. I was voted most popular 2 years in a row and next year I am in the running for most likely to succeed. I am the All-American Teenager. My boyfriend, Sean,  is the captain of the Football team and just happens to be the Quarterback. He is so handsome. When we graduate high school we plan to go to the same college, preferably where ever he gets a scholarship. My parents are hardworking people they know I am smart and very responsible so they don't have to worry about me. They are both Lawyers so their work hours are very long.  So, I spend the majority of my  time at my boyfriend's house.
His mother is a stay at home mom so she is always there. He is the oldest of three. Usually we just go up to his room. His mom is so busy with the younger children, she never bother with us and sometimes she never realizes we are up there. My parents are thrilled that his mom is home all the time, so whenever they call my cell phone to check up on me, I tell them I am with Sean and his mom. I guess that gives them the sense that we are being chaperoned but that can't be further from the truth!
Sean and I have been together since freshman year. Things haven't really gotten hot and heavy between us until he became really good at throwing a football. He had never really pressured me into having sex before. Lately, now that he got all this attention and popularity, girls have been secretly writing him letters, leaving their panties in his locker, and even running up to him after practice giving him their phone numbers. The guys in the locker room tease him on how faithful he is to me. They say he should  date as many girls as he can. I know this because Sean tells me everything. We are best friends, however, I think he told me too much because I had been feeling like I had to compete for his affection with those other girls.
I'm not sure if he had sex with any of those other girls, but I heard one girl in the locker room after cheer practice say that she and Sean had hooked up. Of course I confronted him about it and he told me, that he wasn't getting it from me, so why shouldn't he do it with someone who really loves him. I was so upset with him for a week, and there had been rumors that we had broken up.  So, I had decided to have sex with him. The first time we did it was totally awkward and it hurt like hell, and I remember not ever wanting to do it again. I thought it was suppose to be pleasurable but it wasn't, not at all! All I felt was embarrassed. A few days afterwards, we didn't speak to each other. We just stared at each other in the halls. But never spoke. A month after that, he was dating someone else. By that time I had gotten really sick. I kept throwing up every morning, so I stopped going to school. I had my mom write a note that I had a stomach virus. I couldn't keep anything down for a week. But it subsided and I started going back to school and started back going to cheer practice. Well, I went to try on my cheer squad uniform and it wouldn't fit! I was mortified and totally embarrassed. I got on the scale and I had gained ten pounds. I had to sit this game out because we didn't have any extra uniforms that fit me. Some of the girls on the squad started laughing and one of them said, " I sure hope you aren't preggo!"
Pregnant????? Me? Never! I'm not pregnant. Me and Sean had broken up and besides, I 'm 16 years old! I can't be pregnant! What would my parents think? How will I go to college? Besides, Sean and I only did it once and it was horrible so, anything that painful couldn't be enough to make a baby! But, I had to be sure. So I went to the free clinic on the down trodden side of town. I gave a fake name and they gave me a pregnancy test! POSITIVE!!!! At that moment, my life as I knew it was over.
I couldn't bare the thought of having my parents find out that their perfect daughter had gotten knocked up by her loser boyfriend, so I began to hide my pregnancy. My parents were gone so much that they never noticed. Whenever I had a problem, I would just go down to that free clinic. They gave me vitamins and brochures of adoption agencies, but I just threw them away. Well, one night I began to have pain and I went to the bathroom, it felt like I had to go really bad, so I strained and pushed! I saw blood coming out! Thank God my parents were out on one of their dinner parties because I screamed so loud, I'm surprised I didn't wake up the neighbors. I felt something coming out of me. And it fell into the toilet! It was a baby! I remember seeing a show about babies that you had to cut the umbilical cord so I grabbed the baby, got some scissors and cut the cord, and tied it off with my cheer scrunchie! It was a boy! I shook it to see if he was a live, and he started to cry. I reached for some sheets and wrapped him up in them.
I layed him on the bed while I tried to clean up the mess I had made in the bathroom. I took a shower, cleaned myself up, grabbed the baby and took him to Sean's house. I couldn't bare to see the look on my mother's face if she knew I had a baby. When I got to Sean's house I realized that I never told him that I had his baby. He doesn't know. I left the baby on their doorstep, rang the door bell, and hid in the bushes to see who answered the door. It was his mother! The baby lay crying at the door, she looked down and screamed for Sean! " Call 9-1-1, someone left a baby on the doorstep! Oh My God!".
When she said that, I ran home as fast as I could. I only lived a block away. By the time my parents got home, I had been in bed. For a week I stayed home. Then after two weeks I went back to school.
When I see Sean, he runs up to me, "Hey, you wouldn't believe what happened two weeks ago! Someone left a baby at our house!" I acted surprised! He went on to say that his parents are thinking of adopting the child as their own, because they were trying to conceive another child but were unable to. " My mom thinks it was a sign from God, so she is going to keep him! Now I have a baby brother!" I looked at him, smiled and walked away before I told him the truth! If he only knew that the baby brother he was so excited about was his son!

You Are Stronger Than The Weakness You Have Settled For

 When I want something, I go after it until I  get it and at the time, that something was a man. I pursued a man any and every where. I was desperate. I looked on the internet, I went looking in the clubs, in the malls, and even on the street corners. I would put on the tightest dress, the highest of heels and the longest of weaves just to grab the attention of someone who thought I was their dream girl. I wanted to look the part of the dream. Not realizing that a dream is just that, a dream. I didn't know that there was any value to be being real. After all, I believed the lie that all men want a fantasy girl because those were the most desirable. So that is what I became. I sold my car to get breast implants, took out two five thousand dollar loans to get a nose job and a tummy tuck just so I can look like those video models you see on the music videos. I did all that just so I could look good enough to get into the clubs where the RICH men would party, hoping to snag one. When I finally did, i was so excited. He was  a very prestigious music mogul. He had dollars upon dollars upon dollar and he would spend it all on me. We would go on shopping sprees at Marc Jacob's Jewelers and he would buy me the most beautiful diamond necklaces. We would  go Lamborghini shopping and he would rent me out one for my birthday just so I can show off to all my friends. He was everything I wanted. But with all the fancy dining and extravagant trips I began to fall off on the maintenance, he noticed and soon he stopped calling me and inviting me places. I would call him and he wouldn't answer my phone calls. The last time I called him, the phone was no longer in service But that didn't stop his entourage to start calling on me. I was so obsessed with this man that I would do anything to be in his company. I would date his bodyguard just to be in the same club as him. I would ask about him so much that everyone began to be afraid of me so they wouldn't let me into any more of the same clubs he would frequent. It wasn't until I was standing in line waiting to get into this club that I used to be able to get into with no problem,  and saw him pull up in the same pink Lamborghini that he had bought for me with some other woman,  I realized  it was over. She was drop dead beautiful, and young. I became depressed and started eating more.The tummy tuck become not so tucked, the boob job I got began to leak, and my clothes became last seasons, and were no longer valuable.
When someone shows you who they are believe them, and when you see someone showing themselves to a person and that person believes something other than what is being seen, then that person is living in deception. My mama always told me that you can't make nobody love you, and you can't change someone just by loving them because your human love is not strong enough. People need the kind of Love that only God can give. People need a stronger love than whats is humanly possible. Anything other than that is just mental confusion, and like my grandmother used to say, "Baby, don't be confused, because confusion is of the Devil. Be certain of your decisions and lay hold to them like your life depended on it because it does."

My mind has played a few tricks on me through out the years because I thought that if I loved a man then that was all that was needed. If he didn't love me back then that was okay because I had enough love for the both of us. So when when he showed me who he was, I chose not to believe and eventually, I was back to square one. But this time, I was worse than I was when I first met him. 
I had become so confused and questioned who I was and where I was going in my life. At one point I had almost considered ending my own life. because my dream of being the 'dream girl' became a nightmare! I had no money and no man to fix my problems. I had to move back home just so I could live until I could find a job to support myself. Unfortunately for me, I had gotten pregnant, by the bodyguard, and by the time I found out, he was no where to be found. So now I have to raise this child on my own.
 I realized that I had wasted half my life on chasing something that wasn't real. It was an image. I wanted the image of love and became seduced by the glamor of it all. In fact, It was the idea of love the intrigued me the most. The idea of someone coming into my life and whisking me of to a wonderful world of perfection. So, instead of trying to find a man, I decided to try and find out who I was and why I was so ready to do ANYTHING to be with man.I discovered that it wasn't the man that I was looking for. It was fear of being alone. I began to read more  about loneliness and I developed a love for psychology. Which lead to  me wanting to go to school to become a relationship therapist because until you deal with the fear of loneliness, you can't really form healthy loving relationships.

To all the lonely people in the world looking for comfort:
You are stronger than the weakness that u have settled for!...your strength comes from God!...Although u may not WANT to raise the children on your own, or live all alone, or take an opportunity that will drastically change your life ultimately leaving you desolate and alone... maybe it is what you NEED to do so GOD can show you who you really are!

Never Should Have Listened To Mama

To My Husband,
Damn. It is true what they say about when you are dying your life flashes before your eyes. But, not in the way you think. Right now, as I am gasping for air and my breathing is slowing and as the lights are getting dim in the room around me, I have only thoughts of what could have been. I have only thoughts of what I should have done. I have only thoughts of what everyone will think when they learn the truth about the way that I died. My mom, my friends, my child. Have a left them anything at all? What kind of legacy did I set up for them? Will My baby be taken care of? Gasping, but there is no air coming in or out. Darkness settles upon my eyes. I feel no pain. I hear nothing, and I see nothing. All I have is regret.
I never should have married you. You and I were too young but we thought we were in love. Back then I thought if you were jealous, that meant that you loved me. I enjoyed being your possession. "You are MY girl!" you would say. That made me feel wanted . Sometimes when I felt  unappreciated, I would do things to make you jealous just to see if you still cared. Remember that one night when Trish and I went to the movies and I stayed out all night? It was right after you and I first moved in together. You called me like 50 times that night wanting to know where I was. We got a kick out of that too! I was even bragging to my home girls about how sprung I had you. But when I got home you showed me a thing or two. I remember walking through the door and you jumped from behind the couch, grabbing me by the throat and pushed me up against the wall, asking me over and over where the hell I was. That was the first time you ever laid hands on me. I thought about leaving you then, but my mother advised against it. She said you were a good man and that I brought it on myself for being out all night. Besides, I had to think about the baby. I wanted a two parent household and I knew I couldn't raise Malachi alone. You weren't his father but you were the closest thing he had to one and I wasn't going to take that from him.
I stayed with you another 2 years before you found work but by then , you had become a pot head. By our third year of living together, you asked me to marry you. I remember that because you came home after a night of bowling with your friends at work sloppy drunk, falling onto the couch yelling my name asking me to marry you. I said yes, but by morning you didn't remember a thing. I was so hurt, I just didn't come home at all for 2 weeks. I took Malachi and we stayed at my mom's house. Again, she thought I was crazy and warned me to go back. She said, "Girl, you are messing up! What kind of man will help you raise a child that is not his own? A GOOD ONE that's what! So you better go and make things right before he got some other woman laying in your bed and eating up them groceries he bringing home!" She was right! I didn't want no other woman living in my home, so I came back. That following year, you and I got married at the court house.
I thought things would improve when we got married. I thought that once you knew we were together forever that you wouldn't get jealous anymore because, as I had gotten older, I realized that your jealousy was not fun anymore, but very painful and often came with bruises. But I justified it by saying you only hit me when you were drunk. When you were sober, you were great! But after we had gotten married, you began to drink more and more. Every time you would come home from a night out, you would swear up and down that I was cheating on you. We would argue so much that the neighbors would call the cops. But they would just make you leave until you sobered up. You would just come right back, and I would take you back because I loved you and I thought I couldn't do any better.
For a while things had become mellow. There was no fighting, but there was no communication either. I had gotten to the point where I just couldn't talk to you or be around you anymore. So I decided to leave you. After you got home from work, I sat you down and told you why I was unhappy and that I needed my space and some time to think if I really want to be married. I remember because you were sober. You agreed, so I grabbed Malachi and went to a friend's house instead of going to my mother's house because she always gave me bad advice when dealing with you. I was tired of being beaten and abused. I just wanted out! I called my mother to tell her where I would be just in case she needed me. I never should have told her anything because I guess you called her looking for me in your drunken state and she told you where I was. You showed up at the front door with your father's hunting rifle he gave you when you were 10, Screaming! You shot the lock of the front door, and before I knew anything, I was lying in a pool of my own blood. Gasping. Gurgling. Struggling to breathe! As I lay dying, I hear another shot, I turn, and I see Malachi running toward me! Crying! "Moooommmmmmaaaaa!!!!" I faintly hear a thud, and see your lifeless body hit the hardwood floor! Everything is getting dark. Malachi's screams becomes faint as if fading into the background. All I can think about as I lay here dying is, Damn. I never should have listened to my Mama!