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Saturday, December 8, 2012
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Their 'Ideal' Type Of Love
Two friends, Kell and Trina are sitting on a park bench when one of them spot an elderly couple holding hands, Trina says, "Awe, look at that elderly couple!"
-"Where?" Kell says as she looks up searching through the park.
"They must have been together forever! After all those years they are still together. They are holding hands so they must be still in love with each other. That is so cute!" She says as she points toward the couple in matching purple jumpsuit.
- " Maybe.. Maybe not. Nothing is as it seems these days." Kell says as if she is not impressed.
" But look at them. They look so happy so comfortable together. I bet he is the father of all her children. They probably have four children, 3 doctors and one flower child, probably an artist. Judging by their clothing and their jewelry I'd say they are well off!"
"I bet you five dollars that they own a vacation home in Florida! I wish I had their money!"
-"Woman you are trippin'! How did you get all that just by them holding hands?"
" You know what I mean, the type of love that stands the test of time. I wish I had their type of love. The type of love that never worries about infidelities, jealousy, and strife. I wish I was able to trust my man! Hell, I wish I was able to find a man!"
-"I don't know about that friend. You never know what kind of love people have just by looking at them. Who knows, they could be brother and sister and be in some kind of incestual relationship! Back then they believed in that sort of thing, ya know!"
Trina turns and gives Kell a blank stair, " Really?? Is that ALL you can come up with?"
-" Damn Trina, I'm just saying! You are the one talking about you want these people's 'love life' and you don't know one thing about them. You are just conjuring up all kinds of imaginations about these random people! I'm just trying to add some sanity to your INSANITY!"
"Listen, all I'm saying is that I want the type of love my grandparents had. They remained together until they died. You don't see that anymore these days. I want the type of love that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith have. They are always seen out and about with each other wearing matching outfits! I think that is so cute!"
-" Hold on, Will and Jada?? Don't they have an open marriage or something like that? "
" No Girl! And if they did, if it works why not? Plus they got some talented children! I wish I had kids like that! Girl, I would be broke off something paid! You hear me?"
-" I know Trina, but if you want a relationship or a love like theirs then you would have to actually BE them, and you are not. You are Trina. You can only have Trina's type of love!"
"My type of love sucks! All I have to show for a love life are knuckle-headed ex-boyfriends who cannot remain faithful or they are just plain liars! I want true love! I want their type of love!"
-" And I understand how you feel. But listen, through my life I have learned that there are two types of love, True Love and My Ideal Type of Love."
" I want True Love... DUH!"
-" Well you gonna have to do what it takes to get it! True Love is imperfect but it has an abundance of forgiveness."
" So what's the other one because I've been hurt in the past and I don't know if I'm ready to forgive just yet!"
-" The other type is the Ideal Type, which is where you are right now, its only a figment of our imagination because we have yet to experience true love."
" Well, that sounds good but true love ain't meant for everybody. I don't think its meant for me. You can tell that based on my relationship track record!"
- " How many of your exes have wanted you back, and promised they would do better?"
"What does that have to do with anything? Damn near all of them, so am I suppose to just start dating all of them now?"
-"That's not what I am saying! I am saying that you had the opportunity to experience true love if you were willing to forgive and move forward, that's all! True love is not perfect. Hell, you could be living in true love right now. True love is meant for everyone who wants it. There aren't certain people who are only to have it. I know for a fact the only thing holding you back and holding others back from it is because they either feel that they can't achieve it or that they don't deserve it!"
" Kell, you know me! You know how long I have been trying! I just can't have it! I have just been through too much!"
-" Well you right Trina, You can't have it because you don't want it bad enough to forgive. People who experience true love are the people who are willing to go through the fire! They are people who are willing to be tested and tried! They are people who have overcome their own fears! Love is not easy and it is not without a struggle!"
"Well, I really want true love, but...I don't know." A tear runs down her face as she holds her head down and stares blankly in her lap! "I know what I have to do, but its so hard Kell! Its really hard!"
-"Is it something that you REALLY want?" Kell reaches over to comfort her friend.
Trina nods her head in silence.
-" True love takes time, so you need patience. It takes struggle, so you are going to have to have forgiveness. And you know what else?" Kell dries tears from her friend's eyes.
"What else is there?"
- "True Love needs faith, which is the belief that one day you will have it! Right now we are living our everyday lives as opportunities to show true love. Sometimes we could be experiencing it and not even know it until its gone and we begin to miss it. Who are you missing right now?"
"Girl you know me too well!" They both burst into laughter. "I miss Warren. He has always kept my heart, but I am just too afraid to let him back in, but I know I should at least give it another shot, and out of all my ex-boyfriends he is the only one that still calls to check up on me and tell me he loves and is thinking of me!"
-"Well there you go! Its time you start living the love life of Trina! Girl, I bet none of the relationships you think are so perfect actually are perfect."
"Probably not.."
-" Never desire someone's type of love because you don't know the struggle they go through to maintain it! Their struggle may not work for you because you aren't them! You are Trina, and being Trina poses it's own set of troubles!"
"Girl hush!" Trina laughs out loud as she playfully push Kell of the park bench.
Kell Looks at her watch, -" Oh Girl, come on lets go, we are going to miss our hair appointment!"
As Trina gets up she looks at her phone and notices a missed call. Its Warren. This time, instead of ignoring his phone call, she decides to call him back.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father's Day 2012: A Letter From A Woman Who Loved The Right Man
My father was the disciplinarian.
His voice sounded like thunder whenever he would chastise me. I feared his chastisements more that I feared the physical punishment. As a child I had gotten many a whippings because I just couldn't seem to control my emotions. But I didn't know it at the time. I didn't always get whipped, though. Sometimes I had to go without my favorite things for a while, or had to stay home when I wanted to go and do something with my friends.
My father was the comedian.
I loved when my father was home because he would do silly impressions and make me laugh. I thought he was so funny. Whenever I was sad, or in my emotions, he would sing this song, "Hey Hey why so glum, buck up chum, do you want some gum?" and he would pull out some bubble gum from his pocket! That would make me feel better. And he would sit and sing me songs till I was rolling on the floor laughing!
My father was the provider.
Anything I ever needed, I got from my dad. Whenever I needed shoes, he would get them for me. Whenever I needed school supplies or clothes, he would get it for me. I may not have had everything I wanted, but my dad made sure I had everything I needed.
My father was Strong.
I remember how I would wrap my arms around his biceps and he would pick me up with one arm. I remember how we would go for walks and I would get tired, and he would give me a piggy back ride all the way home. People used to refer to my father as "Strong Man" because he could lift twice his weight. He was even said that he had wrestled a bear in his youth!
My father is Wise.
My father is the wisest man I know. If I would have had sense enough to listen to him when I needed to, maybe I would be better off than where I am now. But I am grateful to have him and his wisdom in my life right now for however long that maybe.
My father is my best friend.
There is never a day goes by where I don't think about him or call him to let him know that I am thinking about him and am praying for his health. He is an amazing person that I wish everyone could know. He is smart, funny, and very wise. I thank God everyday for allowing me the opportunity to know a person of sound moral judgement and character to be an example over my life. Thanks Daddy for being there for me when nobody else will. Thanks for the encouraging words that you give me even when you think I don't listen, I do. Thanks for all the times you have bailed me out of my own stupidity. You are truly a gem., one that grows more priceless as time goes by! I love you and Happy Fathers' Day 2012.
His voice sounded like thunder whenever he would chastise me. I feared his chastisements more that I feared the physical punishment. As a child I had gotten many a whippings because I just couldn't seem to control my emotions. But I didn't know it at the time. I didn't always get whipped, though. Sometimes I had to go without my favorite things for a while, or had to stay home when I wanted to go and do something with my friends.
My father was the comedian.
I loved when my father was home because he would do silly impressions and make me laugh. I thought he was so funny. Whenever I was sad, or in my emotions, he would sing this song, "Hey Hey why so glum, buck up chum, do you want some gum?" and he would pull out some bubble gum from his pocket! That would make me feel better. And he would sit and sing me songs till I was rolling on the floor laughing!
My father was the provider.
Anything I ever needed, I got from my dad. Whenever I needed shoes, he would get them for me. Whenever I needed school supplies or clothes, he would get it for me. I may not have had everything I wanted, but my dad made sure I had everything I needed.
My father was Strong.
I remember how I would wrap my arms around his biceps and he would pick me up with one arm. I remember how we would go for walks and I would get tired, and he would give me a piggy back ride all the way home. People used to refer to my father as "Strong Man" because he could lift twice his weight. He was even said that he had wrestled a bear in his youth!
My father is Wise.
My father is the wisest man I know. If I would have had sense enough to listen to him when I needed to, maybe I would be better off than where I am now. But I am grateful to have him and his wisdom in my life right now for however long that maybe.
My father is my best friend.
There is never a day goes by where I don't think about him or call him to let him know that I am thinking about him and am praying for his health. He is an amazing person that I wish everyone could know. He is smart, funny, and very wise. I thank God everyday for allowing me the opportunity to know a person of sound moral judgement and character to be an example over my life. Thanks Daddy for being there for me when nobody else will. Thanks for the encouraging words that you give me even when you think I don't listen, I do. Thanks for all the times you have bailed me out of my own stupidity. You are truly a gem., one that grows more priceless as time goes by! I love you and Happy Fathers' Day 2012.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The List
Dear Lord,
I have been single for a while now and I am finally ready to settle down. Here is the list of ingredients that is required for the man I intend to marry:
Physical Characteristics:
1. Tall
2. Full Head of Hair
3.Brown Eyes
4. Nice Smile (no crooked teeth)
5. Brown Skinned (no preference on ethnicity)
6. Big Hands and Feet
7. Medium Build
8. Is Single and Wants Marriage
9. At least one year older than me, four years at the most
Financial Characteristics:
1. Has his own money
2. Supports himself
3. Entrepreneur
4.Manages Money Well
5. Business Minded
Lifestyle Characteristics:
1. Family Oriented
2. Loves to Cook
3. Works Out Regularly! Committed Gym Membership
4. Healthy Eater
5. No major health problems
6. Well groomed, manicured and clean cut
7. Loves God( A man after God's own heart)
8. Attend Church Services
9. Likes to spend quality time with me, going to movies, shopping, walks in the park, dining out, dining in, traveling, etc.
10. Enjoys hanging out with friends and family, has a healthy social life
Personality Characteristics:
1.Intelligent
2. Humble Hearted
3. Lead by the holy spirit
4. A protector
5. A natural Leader
6. Trustworthy
7. Confident, not boastful or arrogant
8. At peace with who he is
9. Mature
10. Wants to own his own home if not already
11. Interested in Real Estate
12. Loves me unconditionally
13. Not bossy but respectfully assertive
14. Not controlling
15. Easy Going
16. Loves People
17. Go with the flow attitude but not lazy
18. Has to be patient, loyal and dependable with me
19. Likes to look good and smell good
20. Tries to be the best at whatever he does
21. Has vision and purpose
22. He loves me
23.Faith filled
24. Talented
25. Anointed
26. Complimentary to me
27. My perfect fit
28. My Soul Mate
29. My best friend
30. My confidante
31. The man You have ordained for me to have from the foundations of the world!
Lord I will know the man you send me by how much he is willing to put up with me! Because anything you give is faithful and true! Thanks in advance! Muah!
I have been single for a while now and I am finally ready to settle down. Here is the list of ingredients that is required for the man I intend to marry:
Physical Characteristics:
1. Tall
2. Full Head of Hair
3.Brown Eyes
4. Nice Smile (no crooked teeth)
5. Brown Skinned (no preference on ethnicity)
6. Big Hands and Feet
7. Medium Build
8. Is Single and Wants Marriage
9. At least one year older than me, four years at the most
Financial Characteristics:
1. Has his own money
2. Supports himself
3. Entrepreneur
4.Manages Money Well
5. Business Minded
Lifestyle Characteristics:
1. Family Oriented
2. Loves to Cook
3. Works Out Regularly! Committed Gym Membership
4. Healthy Eater
5. No major health problems
6. Well groomed, manicured and clean cut
7. Loves God( A man after God's own heart)
8. Attend Church Services
9. Likes to spend quality time with me, going to movies, shopping, walks in the park, dining out, dining in, traveling, etc.
10. Enjoys hanging out with friends and family, has a healthy social life
Personality Characteristics:
1.Intelligent
2. Humble Hearted
3. Lead by the holy spirit
4. A protector
5. A natural Leader
6. Trustworthy
7. Confident, not boastful or arrogant
8. At peace with who he is
9. Mature
10. Wants to own his own home if not already
11. Interested in Real Estate
12. Loves me unconditionally
13. Not bossy but respectfully assertive
14. Not controlling
15. Easy Going
16. Loves People
17. Go with the flow attitude but not lazy
18. Has to be patient, loyal and dependable with me
19. Likes to look good and smell good
20. Tries to be the best at whatever he does
21. Has vision and purpose
22. He loves me
23.Faith filled
24. Talented
25. Anointed
26. Complimentary to me
27. My perfect fit
28. My Soul Mate
29. My best friend
30. My confidante
31. The man You have ordained for me to have from the foundations of the world!
Lord I will know the man you send me by how much he is willing to put up with me! Because anything you give is faithful and true! Thanks in advance! Muah!
My Husband Is:
My husband is my best friend. We go everywhere together. We goof around a lot because our jobs are so serious and demanding. He like going out of town on expensive trips to Vegas, Europe, and Hawaii. I Loved Hawaii (that is where we spent our honeymoon). I took him fishing and camping. It was so much fun but what I love the most is when we would sit outside and count the stars together and he would tell me his inner most thoughts as I lay my head on his chest. He sings to me and I love to hear it even if it is off key.
We visit his parents and he never disrespects me when his old girlfriend comes to visit. I love him so much!
I don't even remember what it was like when he wasn't in my life. I hate arguing with him and he knows it because he picks his battles, however, I give in to whatever he wants most of the time. My husband keeps me on track. I am not the most focused person, but he is and he is very organized. He likes a really clean house so I call a maid service because I can't keep it as clean as he likes it but I do clean up a little. Our home is so huge and we are barely there through out the day. When we are home, we like to cook together. My husband is a great cook. I usually help out by making the salads and side items. He makes the main courses and desserts! He is so sexy in the kitchen. I am so attracted to him and he can't keep his hands off me. I he tells me everyday that I love him the way he wants me to love him and that makes me smile. I also tell him that he loves me right whenever he loves me the way I want him to because I need him to know what makes me smile. But, knowing that I am loving him the way he wants me to gives me the greatest joy in the world!
Just Keeping It Real
I'm a single woman in my prime! I have my own job, own my own house, pay my own bills. I am the quintessential independent woman. I provide for everything I need and want. From My head down to the soles of my feet, everything about me is store bought! I don't fake the funk. I keep it real with mine. I wear wigs not because my hair is short but because I want to try something different. Each wig/weave that I wear have a different name and they have different eye colors that I wear to go with them. On Wednesday nights, I'm wearing the blonde wig with blue eyes, so I'm Brenda for the night. On Thursday nights I wear my Sasha wig, with hazel contacts! Sasha gets the most attention. She is the party girl and I let loose whenever I become her! I love going out and portraying a different persona because it gives me a sense of adventure and adds passion to my life. However, I am starting to realize that the relationships I make don' t last very long. Every guy I meet seems to be hiding something or keeping some sort of secret that usually gets revealed around the third or sixth month of dating. All most all of those secrets are deal breakers. I had one guy tell me he was 35, Single, with one child. He was 35, he was single, but he was living with his girlfriend that was pregnant with his one child! We dated for about three months before I suggested we stop meeting at the club and start going out on real dates. One night he asked me to pick him up from what he said was his house, I arrived a little early only to see him kissing a pregnant woman two houses down from where he had me drop him off! I slowed down just enough for him to see that it was me as I sped off! I never talked to him again.
I dated this other guy who posed as a published author who was always working on a project. He would always plan to spend time with me only to cancel, because he wanted to write and finish his book. Come to find out, he was never published, and he just says that to make himself seem more interesting than what he really was, a pizza delivery guy! But my favorite was Tonell. Tonell was fine! He had abs on top of abs, 6'4 201 lbs of sheer muscle! Personal Trainer by day, and Sex Machine by night! Whew!! Tonell had it all, good looks, a thriving business, and swag! Tonell would always talk about being spiritual and how God was living within him. I just thought he was filled with the Holy Spirit! This dude actually thought he was the decendant of Zeus, the roman god! Yeah he sold me the dream, and let me down. It took me a while to get over the fact that this seemingly well to do guy was a weirdo!
After Tonell, I decided to take a break on dating altogether and really figure out what I was doing wrong. It wasn't long before I realized the problem was not with them but with me and the image I was portraying. If I wanted to attract a REAL man, I had to be a REAL WOMAN! With all of my fake hair, fake nails, fake eye lashes, fake eyes, breast implants, tummy tucks, and butt implants, no wonder I was confused and to why I couldn't find a real man. Hell, even my personality was fake! Subconsciously I created different personalities because I was afraid to show the real me because of the fear of not being accepted. The guys that were attracted to the fakeness, were fake themselves. In order for me to attract the type of guy I want, I had to be the type of woman I am which is me. But, I had gotten so caught up in the illusion, that I forgot who I really was. I just want to be normal. Its seems like normalcy is a dying breed! Not a whole lot of normal people out there anymore. Too many people want to show off how intelligent they are, or how much stuff they have (Me!) . Why complicate the simple?? Just be you, and allow people to make up their own mind about you and stop trying so hard to get people to see you as this or that! I swear, getting to know someone is like peeling onions! Just when you thought you had broken through, you got another layer to deal with causing you tears. I've done my fair share of crying and I refuse to cry especially over something I can change. I'm going to be the change, I want to see in this world! Less weirdness, and more NORMAL!
I dated this other guy who posed as a published author who was always working on a project. He would always plan to spend time with me only to cancel, because he wanted to write and finish his book. Come to find out, he was never published, and he just says that to make himself seem more interesting than what he really was, a pizza delivery guy! But my favorite was Tonell. Tonell was fine! He had abs on top of abs, 6'4 201 lbs of sheer muscle! Personal Trainer by day, and Sex Machine by night! Whew!! Tonell had it all, good looks, a thriving business, and swag! Tonell would always talk about being spiritual and how God was living within him. I just thought he was filled with the Holy Spirit! This dude actually thought he was the decendant of Zeus, the roman god! Yeah he sold me the dream, and let me down. It took me a while to get over the fact that this seemingly well to do guy was a weirdo!
After Tonell, I decided to take a break on dating altogether and really figure out what I was doing wrong. It wasn't long before I realized the problem was not with them but with me and the image I was portraying. If I wanted to attract a REAL man, I had to be a REAL WOMAN! With all of my fake hair, fake nails, fake eye lashes, fake eyes, breast implants, tummy tucks, and butt implants, no wonder I was confused and to why I couldn't find a real man. Hell, even my personality was fake! Subconsciously I created different personalities because I was afraid to show the real me because of the fear of not being accepted. The guys that were attracted to the fakeness, were fake themselves. In order for me to attract the type of guy I want, I had to be the type of woman I am which is me. But, I had gotten so caught up in the illusion, that I forgot who I really was. I just want to be normal. Its seems like normalcy is a dying breed! Not a whole lot of normal people out there anymore. Too many people want to show off how intelligent they are, or how much stuff they have (Me!) . Why complicate the simple?? Just be you, and allow people to make up their own mind about you and stop trying so hard to get people to see you as this or that! I swear, getting to know someone is like peeling onions! Just when you thought you had broken through, you got another layer to deal with causing you tears. I've done my fair share of crying and I refuse to cry especially over something I can change. I'm going to be the change, I want to see in this world! Less weirdness, and more NORMAL!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Caught Between Some Soft Rocks & One Ridiculously Hard Place
As I was doing your laundry I came across this note that was stuffed in your front pocket:
I never thought this day would come. We did it! We finally got married but not to each other. I never thought I would find love again after you and I parted ways. I never thought I would ever allow a man to come into my life and sweep me off my feet like the man I married. I always pictured you and I at the alter, confessing our love to one another.Deep down I still feel that way. Even though you and I have gotten involved with someone else, it never stopped us from being together. The love we have transcends marriage and time. We grow apart but some how we find each other again. To the rest of the world, we are just two people who can't stay committed but you and I both know the truth. There is just some things your wife can't give you that you need because you can only get it from me. There are some things my husband can't give me that I need that can only come from you. But where we go lacking, my husband and your wife more than makes up for it! Our lives are and will forever be entangled in this foursome. Sometimes I look at my husband and wonder if he really know what I am doing and when will he ever find out that there really is no such thing as a Church Family Retreat. I just tell him that because I know he hates to travel and he hates to go near church people. Its a great cover for our romantic getaways! I wonder does your wife know about your camping trips? She hates the wilderness and the bugs and she would much rather let you go with your buddies, but the only buddy you are with is me. I love you and look forward to our vacation together
YOURS FOREVER,
Lovely.
I can't even get mad at you. I can only get mad at myself. When people, strangers that I have never even met, started to come up to me and tell me about your affairs, I stood by you. You told me that they were just jealous and that they needed to just mind their own business. I did, I believed you because you are good father, and a great provider for our family. But money isn't everything. And now that I see you for who you are, I can't really give you that title of provider because it looks as though God has been keeping us afloat for this long. While you have been gallivanting the streets with this other woman, I have been in the church praying for our family. But every time I pray, someone comes to tell me something about you that you ain't doing right! I knew about your fishing trips, the hotel stays, the weekend in Barcelona! I even know where she lives, in fact, I've even sat down with her husband and had really long chat about the both of you all! Do we know what you are doing? Hell yeah we know, and we have known for a while now. At first, I didn't want to leave you because I thought that it would be an embarrassment to the family to get a divorce, but from the looks of things, we have no marriage. You spend more time with her than you do with me. Hell, I spend more time talking with her husband than she does! So you go ahead and do what you have to do. I'm not mad, I'm just mad at myself for not seeing this sooner. When you get back from your "camping trip" Me and Tyler will be long gone. Don't bother to look for us either! By the way, Tyler is not your son, I just told you that so you would marry me! MY MISTAKE!!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Teen Spirit: The All-American Teenager
I'm 16 years old and I am in my prime. I'm on the cheer squad at my high school, I babysit my nieces and nephews during the summer so I make my own money. That's how I can afford my trendy school clothes. Everyone admires me and wants to be me. I was voted most popular 2 years in a row and next year I am in the running for most likely to succeed. I am the All-American Teenager. My boyfriend, Sean, is the captain of the Football team and just happens to be the Quarterback. He is so handsome. When we graduate high school we plan to go to the same college, preferably where ever he gets a scholarship. My parents are hardworking people they know I am smart and very responsible so they don't have to worry about me. They are both Lawyers so their work hours are very long. So, I spend the majority of my time at my boyfriend's house.
His mother is a stay at home mom so she is always there. He is the oldest of three. Usually we just go up to his room. His mom is so busy with the younger children, she never bother with us and sometimes she never realizes we are up there. My parents are thrilled that his mom is home all the time, so whenever they call my cell phone to check up on me, I tell them I am with Sean and his mom. I guess that gives them the sense that we are being chaperoned but that can't be further from the truth!
Sean and I have been together since freshman year. Things haven't really gotten hot and heavy between us until he became really good at throwing a football. He had never really pressured me into having sex before. Lately, now that he got all this attention and popularity, girls have been secretly writing him letters, leaving their panties in his locker, and even running up to him after practice giving him their phone numbers. The guys in the locker room tease him on how faithful he is to me. They say he should date as many girls as he can. I know this because Sean tells me everything. We are best friends, however, I think he told me too much because I had been feeling like I had to compete for his affection with those other girls.
I'm not sure if he had sex with any of those other girls, but I heard one girl in the locker room after cheer practice say that she and Sean had hooked up. Of course I confronted him about it and he told me, that he wasn't getting it from me, so why shouldn't he do it with someone who really loves him. I was so upset with him for a week, and there had been rumors that we had broken up. So, I had decided to have sex with him. The first time we did it was totally awkward and it hurt like hell, and I remember not ever wanting to do it again. I thought it was suppose to be pleasurable but it wasn't, not at all! All I felt was embarrassed. A few days afterwards, we didn't speak to each other. We just stared at each other in the halls. But never spoke. A month after that, he was dating someone else. By that time I had gotten really sick. I kept throwing up every morning, so I stopped going to school. I had my mom write a note that I had a stomach virus. I couldn't keep anything down for a week. But it subsided and I started going back to school and started back going to cheer practice. Well, I went to try on my cheer squad uniform and it wouldn't fit! I was mortified and totally embarrassed. I got on the scale and I had gained ten pounds. I had to sit this game out because we didn't have any extra uniforms that fit me. Some of the girls on the squad started laughing and one of them said, " I sure hope you aren't preggo!"
Pregnant????? Me? Never! I'm not pregnant. Me and Sean had broken up and besides, I 'm 16 years old! I can't be pregnant! What would my parents think? How will I go to college? Besides, Sean and I only did it once and it was horrible so, anything that painful couldn't be enough to make a baby! But, I had to be sure. So I went to the free clinic on the down trodden side of town. I gave a fake name and they gave me a pregnancy test! POSITIVE!!!! At that moment, my life as I knew it was over.
I couldn't bare the thought of having my parents find out that their perfect daughter had gotten knocked up by her loser boyfriend, so I began to hide my pregnancy. My parents were gone so much that they never noticed. Whenever I had a problem, I would just go down to that free clinic. They gave me vitamins and brochures of adoption agencies, but I just threw them away. Well, one night I began to have pain and I went to the bathroom, it felt like I had to go really bad, so I strained and pushed! I saw blood coming out! Thank God my parents were out on one of their dinner parties because I screamed so loud, I'm surprised I didn't wake up the neighbors. I felt something coming out of me. And it fell into the toilet! It was a baby! I remember seeing a show about babies that you had to cut the umbilical cord so I grabbed the baby, got some scissors and cut the cord, and tied it off with my cheer scrunchie! It was a boy! I shook it to see if he was a live, and he started to cry. I reached for some sheets and wrapped him up in them.
I layed him on the bed while I tried to clean up the mess I had made in the bathroom. I took a shower, cleaned myself up, grabbed the baby and took him to Sean's house. I couldn't bare to see the look on my mother's face if she knew I had a baby. When I got to Sean's house I realized that I never told him that I had his baby. He doesn't know. I left the baby on their doorstep, rang the door bell, and hid in the bushes to see who answered the door. It was his mother! The baby lay crying at the door, she looked down and screamed for Sean! " Call 9-1-1, someone left a baby on the doorstep! Oh My God!".
When she said that, I ran home as fast as I could. I only lived a block away. By the time my parents got home, I had been in bed. For a week I stayed home. Then after two weeks I went back to school.
When I see Sean, he runs up to me, "Hey, you wouldn't believe what happened two weeks ago! Someone left a baby at our house!" I acted surprised! He went on to say that his parents are thinking of adopting the child as their own, because they were trying to conceive another child but were unable to. " My mom thinks it was a sign from God, so she is going to keep him! Now I have a baby brother!" I looked at him, smiled and walked away before I told him the truth! If he only knew that the baby brother he was so excited about was his son!
His mother is a stay at home mom so she is always there. He is the oldest of three. Usually we just go up to his room. His mom is so busy with the younger children, she never bother with us and sometimes she never realizes we are up there. My parents are thrilled that his mom is home all the time, so whenever they call my cell phone to check up on me, I tell them I am with Sean and his mom. I guess that gives them the sense that we are being chaperoned but that can't be further from the truth!
Sean and I have been together since freshman year. Things haven't really gotten hot and heavy between us until he became really good at throwing a football. He had never really pressured me into having sex before. Lately, now that he got all this attention and popularity, girls have been secretly writing him letters, leaving their panties in his locker, and even running up to him after practice giving him their phone numbers. The guys in the locker room tease him on how faithful he is to me. They say he should date as many girls as he can. I know this because Sean tells me everything. We are best friends, however, I think he told me too much because I had been feeling like I had to compete for his affection with those other girls.
I'm not sure if he had sex with any of those other girls, but I heard one girl in the locker room after cheer practice say that she and Sean had hooked up. Of course I confronted him about it and he told me, that he wasn't getting it from me, so why shouldn't he do it with someone who really loves him. I was so upset with him for a week, and there had been rumors that we had broken up. So, I had decided to have sex with him. The first time we did it was totally awkward and it hurt like hell, and I remember not ever wanting to do it again. I thought it was suppose to be pleasurable but it wasn't, not at all! All I felt was embarrassed. A few days afterwards, we didn't speak to each other. We just stared at each other in the halls. But never spoke. A month after that, he was dating someone else. By that time I had gotten really sick. I kept throwing up every morning, so I stopped going to school. I had my mom write a note that I had a stomach virus. I couldn't keep anything down for a week. But it subsided and I started going back to school and started back going to cheer practice. Well, I went to try on my cheer squad uniform and it wouldn't fit! I was mortified and totally embarrassed. I got on the scale and I had gained ten pounds. I had to sit this game out because we didn't have any extra uniforms that fit me. Some of the girls on the squad started laughing and one of them said, " I sure hope you aren't preggo!"
Pregnant????? Me? Never! I'm not pregnant. Me and Sean had broken up and besides, I 'm 16 years old! I can't be pregnant! What would my parents think? How will I go to college? Besides, Sean and I only did it once and it was horrible so, anything that painful couldn't be enough to make a baby! But, I had to be sure. So I went to the free clinic on the down trodden side of town. I gave a fake name and they gave me a pregnancy test! POSITIVE!!!! At that moment, my life as I knew it was over.
I couldn't bare the thought of having my parents find out that their perfect daughter had gotten knocked up by her loser boyfriend, so I began to hide my pregnancy. My parents were gone so much that they never noticed. Whenever I had a problem, I would just go down to that free clinic. They gave me vitamins and brochures of adoption agencies, but I just threw them away. Well, one night I began to have pain and I went to the bathroom, it felt like I had to go really bad, so I strained and pushed! I saw blood coming out! Thank God my parents were out on one of their dinner parties because I screamed so loud, I'm surprised I didn't wake up the neighbors. I felt something coming out of me. And it fell into the toilet! It was a baby! I remember seeing a show about babies that you had to cut the umbilical cord so I grabbed the baby, got some scissors and cut the cord, and tied it off with my cheer scrunchie! It was a boy! I shook it to see if he was a live, and he started to cry. I reached for some sheets and wrapped him up in them.
I layed him on the bed while I tried to clean up the mess I had made in the bathroom. I took a shower, cleaned myself up, grabbed the baby and took him to Sean's house. I couldn't bare to see the look on my mother's face if she knew I had a baby. When I got to Sean's house I realized that I never told him that I had his baby. He doesn't know. I left the baby on their doorstep, rang the door bell, and hid in the bushes to see who answered the door. It was his mother! The baby lay crying at the door, she looked down and screamed for Sean! " Call 9-1-1, someone left a baby on the doorstep! Oh My God!".
When she said that, I ran home as fast as I could. I only lived a block away. By the time my parents got home, I had been in bed. For a week I stayed home. Then after two weeks I went back to school.
When I see Sean, he runs up to me, "Hey, you wouldn't believe what happened two weeks ago! Someone left a baby at our house!" I acted surprised! He went on to say that his parents are thinking of adopting the child as their own, because they were trying to conceive another child but were unable to. " My mom thinks it was a sign from God, so she is going to keep him! Now I have a baby brother!" I looked at him, smiled and walked away before I told him the truth! If he only knew that the baby brother he was so excited about was his son!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
You Are Stronger Than The Weakness You Have Settled For
When I want something, I go after it until I get it and at the time, that something was a man. I pursued a man any and every where. I was desperate. I looked on the internet, I went looking in the clubs, in the malls, and even on the street corners. I would put on the tightest dress, the highest of heels and the longest of weaves just to grab the attention of someone who thought I was their dream girl. I wanted to look the part of the dream. Not realizing that a dream is just that, a dream. I didn't know that there was any value to be being real. After all, I believed the lie that all men want a fantasy girl because those were the most desirable. So that is what I became. I sold my car to get breast implants, took out two five thousand dollar loans to get a nose job and a tummy tuck just so I can look like those video models you see on the music videos. I did all that just so I could look good enough to get into the clubs where the RICH men would party, hoping to snag one. When I finally did, i was so excited. He was a very prestigious music mogul. He had dollars upon dollars upon dollar and he would spend it all on me. We would go on shopping sprees at Marc Jacob's Jewelers and he would buy me the most beautiful diamond necklaces. We would go Lamborghini shopping and he would rent me out one for my birthday just so I can show off to all my friends. He was everything I wanted. But with all the fancy dining and extravagant trips I began to fall off on the maintenance, he noticed and soon he stopped calling me and inviting me places. I would call him and he wouldn't answer my phone calls. The last time I called him, the phone was no longer in service But that didn't stop his entourage to start calling on me. I was so obsessed with this man that I would do anything to be in his company. I would date his bodyguard just to be in the same club as him. I would ask about him so much that everyone began to be afraid of me so they wouldn't let me into any more of the same clubs he would frequent. It wasn't until I was standing in line waiting to get into this club that I used to be able to get into with no problem, and saw him pull up in the same pink Lamborghini that he had bought for me with some other woman, I realized it was over. She was drop dead beautiful, and young. I became depressed and started eating more.The tummy tuck become not so tucked, the boob job I got began to leak, and my clothes became last seasons, and were no longer valuable.
When someone shows you who they are believe them, and when you see someone showing themselves to a person and that person believes something other than what is being seen, then that person is living in deception. My mama always told me that you can't make nobody love you, and you can't change someone just by loving them because your human love is not strong enough. People need the kind of Love that only God can give. People need a stronger love than whats is humanly possible. Anything other than that is just mental confusion, and like my grandmother used to say, "Baby, don't be confused, because confusion is of the Devil. Be certain of your decisions and lay hold to them like your life depended on it because it does."
My mind has played a few tricks on me through out the years because I thought that if I loved a man then that was all that was needed. If he didn't love me back then that was okay because I had enough love for the both of us. So when when he showed me who he was, I chose not to believe and eventually, I was back to square one. But this time, I was worse than I was when I first met him.
I had become so confused and questioned who I was and where I was going in my life. At one point I had almost considered ending my own life. because my dream of being the 'dream girl' became a nightmare! I had no money and no man to fix my problems. I had to move back home just so I could live until I could find a job to support myself. Unfortunately for me, I had gotten pregnant, by the bodyguard, and by the time I found out, he was no where to be found. So now I have to raise this child on my own.
I realized that I had wasted half my life on chasing something that wasn't real. It was an image. I wanted the image of love and became seduced by the glamor of it all. In fact, It was the idea of love the intrigued me the most. The idea of someone coming into my life and whisking me of to a wonderful world of perfection. So, instead of trying to find a man, I decided to try and find out who I was and why I was so ready to do ANYTHING to be with man.I discovered that it wasn't the man that I was looking for. It was fear of being alone. I began to read more about loneliness and I developed a love for psychology. Which lead to me wanting to go to school to become a relationship therapist because until you deal with the fear of loneliness, you can't really form healthy loving relationships.
To all the lonely people in the world looking for comfort:
You are stronger than the weakness that u have settled for!...your strength comes from God!...Although u may not WANT to raise the children on your own, or live all alone, or take an opportunity that will drastically change your life ultimately leaving you desolate and alone... maybe it is what you NEED to do so GOD can show you who you really are!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Never Should Have Listened To Mama
To My Husband,
Damn. It is true what they say about when you are dying your life flashes before your eyes. But, not in the way you think. Right now, as I am gasping for air and my breathing is slowing and as the lights are getting dim in the room around me, I have only thoughts of what could have been. I have only thoughts of what I should have done. I have only thoughts of what everyone will think when they learn the truth about the way that I died. My mom, my friends, my child. Have a left them anything at all? What kind of legacy did I set up for them? Will My baby be taken care of? Gasping, but there is no air coming in or out. Darkness settles upon my eyes. I feel no pain. I hear nothing, and I see nothing. All I have is regret.
I never should have married you. You and I were too young but we thought we were in love. Back then I thought if you were jealous, that meant that you loved me. I enjoyed being your possession. "You are MY girl!" you would say. That made me feel wanted . Sometimes when I felt unappreciated, I would do things to make you jealous just to see if you still cared. Remember that one night when Trish and I went to the movies and I stayed out all night? It was right after you and I first moved in together. You called me like 50 times that night wanting to know where I was. We got a kick out of that too! I was even bragging to my home girls about how sprung I had you. But when I got home you showed me a thing or two. I remember walking through the door and you jumped from behind the couch, grabbing me by the throat and pushed me up against the wall, asking me over and over where the hell I was. That was the first time you ever laid hands on me. I thought about leaving you then, but my mother advised against it. She said you were a good man and that I brought it on myself for being out all night. Besides, I had to think about the baby. I wanted a two parent household and I knew I couldn't raise Malachi alone. You weren't his father but you were the closest thing he had to one and I wasn't going to take that from him.
I stayed with you another 2 years before you found work but by then , you had become a pot head. By our third year of living together, you asked me to marry you. I remember that because you came home after a night of bowling with your friends at work sloppy drunk, falling onto the couch yelling my name asking me to marry you. I said yes, but by morning you didn't remember a thing. I was so hurt, I just didn't come home at all for 2 weeks. I took Malachi and we stayed at my mom's house. Again, she thought I was crazy and warned me to go back. She said, "Girl, you are messing up! What kind of man will help you raise a child that is not his own? A GOOD ONE that's what! So you better go and make things right before he got some other woman laying in your bed and eating up them groceries he bringing home!" She was right! I didn't want no other woman living in my home, so I came back. That following year, you and I got married at the court house.
I thought things would improve when we got married. I thought that once you knew we were together forever that you wouldn't get jealous anymore because, as I had gotten older, I realized that your jealousy was not fun anymore, but very painful and often came with bruises. But I justified it by saying you only hit me when you were drunk. When you were sober, you were great! But after we had gotten married, you began to drink more and more. Every time you would come home from a night out, you would swear up and down that I was cheating on you. We would argue so much that the neighbors would call the cops. But they would just make you leave until you sobered up. You would just come right back, and I would take you back because I loved you and I thought I couldn't do any better.
For a while things had become mellow. There was no fighting, but there was no communication either. I had gotten to the point where I just couldn't talk to you or be around you anymore. So I decided to leave you. After you got home from work, I sat you down and told you why I was unhappy and that I needed my space and some time to think if I really want to be married. I remember because you were sober. You agreed, so I grabbed Malachi and went to a friend's house instead of going to my mother's house because she always gave me bad advice when dealing with you. I was tired of being beaten and abused. I just wanted out! I called my mother to tell her where I would be just in case she needed me. I never should have told her anything because I guess you called her looking for me in your drunken state and she told you where I was. You showed up at the front door with your father's hunting rifle he gave you when you were 10, Screaming! You shot the lock of the front door, and before I knew anything, I was lying in a pool of my own blood. Gasping. Gurgling. Struggling to breathe! As I lay dying, I hear another shot, I turn, and I see Malachi running toward me! Crying! "Moooommmmmmaaaaa!!!!" I faintly hear a thud, and see your lifeless body hit the hardwood floor! Everything is getting dark. Malachi's screams becomes faint as if fading into the background. All I can think about as I lay here dying is, Damn. I never should have listened to my Mama!
Damn. It is true what they say about when you are dying your life flashes before your eyes. But, not in the way you think. Right now, as I am gasping for air and my breathing is slowing and as the lights are getting dim in the room around me, I have only thoughts of what could have been. I have only thoughts of what I should have done. I have only thoughts of what everyone will think when they learn the truth about the way that I died. My mom, my friends, my child. Have a left them anything at all? What kind of legacy did I set up for them? Will My baby be taken care of? Gasping, but there is no air coming in or out. Darkness settles upon my eyes. I feel no pain. I hear nothing, and I see nothing. All I have is regret.
I never should have married you. You and I were too young but we thought we were in love. Back then I thought if you were jealous, that meant that you loved me. I enjoyed being your possession. "You are MY girl!" you would say. That made me feel wanted . Sometimes when I felt unappreciated, I would do things to make you jealous just to see if you still cared. Remember that one night when Trish and I went to the movies and I stayed out all night? It was right after you and I first moved in together. You called me like 50 times that night wanting to know where I was. We got a kick out of that too! I was even bragging to my home girls about how sprung I had you. But when I got home you showed me a thing or two. I remember walking through the door and you jumped from behind the couch, grabbing me by the throat and pushed me up against the wall, asking me over and over where the hell I was. That was the first time you ever laid hands on me. I thought about leaving you then, but my mother advised against it. She said you were a good man and that I brought it on myself for being out all night. Besides, I had to think about the baby. I wanted a two parent household and I knew I couldn't raise Malachi alone. You weren't his father but you were the closest thing he had to one and I wasn't going to take that from him.
I stayed with you another 2 years before you found work but by then , you had become a pot head. By our third year of living together, you asked me to marry you. I remember that because you came home after a night of bowling with your friends at work sloppy drunk, falling onto the couch yelling my name asking me to marry you. I said yes, but by morning you didn't remember a thing. I was so hurt, I just didn't come home at all for 2 weeks. I took Malachi and we stayed at my mom's house. Again, she thought I was crazy and warned me to go back. She said, "Girl, you are messing up! What kind of man will help you raise a child that is not his own? A GOOD ONE that's what! So you better go and make things right before he got some other woman laying in your bed and eating up them groceries he bringing home!" She was right! I didn't want no other woman living in my home, so I came back. That following year, you and I got married at the court house.
I thought things would improve when we got married. I thought that once you knew we were together forever that you wouldn't get jealous anymore because, as I had gotten older, I realized that your jealousy was not fun anymore, but very painful and often came with bruises. But I justified it by saying you only hit me when you were drunk. When you were sober, you were great! But after we had gotten married, you began to drink more and more. Every time you would come home from a night out, you would swear up and down that I was cheating on you. We would argue so much that the neighbors would call the cops. But they would just make you leave until you sobered up. You would just come right back, and I would take you back because I loved you and I thought I couldn't do any better.
For a while things had become mellow. There was no fighting, but there was no communication either. I had gotten to the point where I just couldn't talk to you or be around you anymore. So I decided to leave you. After you got home from work, I sat you down and told you why I was unhappy and that I needed my space and some time to think if I really want to be married. I remember because you were sober. You agreed, so I grabbed Malachi and went to a friend's house instead of going to my mother's house because she always gave me bad advice when dealing with you. I was tired of being beaten and abused. I just wanted out! I called my mother to tell her where I would be just in case she needed me. I never should have told her anything because I guess you called her looking for me in your drunken state and she told you where I was. You showed up at the front door with your father's hunting rifle he gave you when you were 10, Screaming! You shot the lock of the front door, and before I knew anything, I was lying in a pool of my own blood. Gasping. Gurgling. Struggling to breathe! As I lay dying, I hear another shot, I turn, and I see Malachi running toward me! Crying! "Moooommmmmmaaaaa!!!!" I faintly hear a thud, and see your lifeless body hit the hardwood floor! Everything is getting dark. Malachi's screams becomes faint as if fading into the background. All I can think about as I lay here dying is, Damn. I never should have listened to my Mama!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Happily Never After: The Relationship Between Cinderella and Peter Pan
How can a relationship between Cinderella and Peter Pan workout?
Peter Pan refuses to grow up and be a Prince Charming. Cinderella
wants her happily ever after, but there is always drama. Peter wants to hang out with the Lost Boys! Cinderella thinks that the Lost Boys are a waste of his time. The time he spends with those Boys, he could be out working.
Peter Pan is frustrated because Cinderella has so many shoes that she loses her glass slippers. Peter doesn't want to get a job. He just
wants to play basketball with the Lost Boys. Peter hates to work because that means he has to grow up. Peter
is 35 years old. Instead, wants to be
taken care of and is looking for a Wendy. Cinderella is 30 and has to
scrub floors, cook, clean chimneys and is waiting on the day where her
Prince will rescue her from her life of hardship. This is their story...
Cinderella is a victim of circumstance. She is a single woman, who just can't seem to get it together. No matter how hard she works, she just can't seem to find the life she wants. She is a dreamer who reads the latest romance novels and thinks her life should be a Romantic Comedy and that there is a Prince Charming out there looking for her. She holds on to the hope by reading her bible daily and her favorite scripture is the verse "... man who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing.." . She holds on to that word so much that she never goes anywhere. She stays home on her off days from grueling days at work. She cuts out pictures of wedding dresses from her favorite magazines and she knows just what her husband will look like. Handsome, Tall, and dark. She never goes out on dates, or anywhere for that matter. She just sits at home and waits for her Prince to rescue her from her boring mundane life.
Peter Pan is a victim of himself. He is a single man with lots of dreams but lacks the focus it takes to see them through. So he dabbles in a bit of everything. He calls himself a jack of all trades. His main focus is to have a good time. He used to be a high school basketball star, which is his only claim to fame. He loves to live close to home because people still remember him in his glory days. He is the type guy that loves to play the love game but never really wants to settle down, not for real. He just tells the women that just so he can get them in bed. Every relationship he gets into never really lasts as long as his high school sweetheart because that was when he thought he was at his best. Instead, he chases the past by hanging out with the Lost Boys reminiscing on the good old days and playing basketball at the local parks. Even though he is in his thirties, he still feels like he isn't ready to settle down into a committed relationship. He can't keep a job long enough to provide for a family because he hates to work. Peter's dream is to have family where he is the stay at home father so he can play games with his kids and never have to work. Peter is looking for a caretaker, someone who can take care of him. Peter wants a mommy.
Well, one day Cinderella decides to take her co worker's advice and try online dating. Cinderella works so much that she has no time for dating. Well, she comes across Peter, who is also trying online dating, but only as a prank. He has no intentions of finding love, he just created a profile for shits and giggles! Actually one of the Lost Boys created the list for him. Well, they both get to talking, and Peter decides to go out with her because she has a great job with benefits. Meanwhile Cinderella is excited because Peter is very charming and handsome and he wants to spend time with her.
They meet, and Peter decides he likes what he sees! He then becomes interested in getting to know her better. They decide to start dating. Well, as time goes on Cinderella is really starting to fall for Peter, so she brings up the subject of commitment. After all, Cinderella is on a time clock. She wants to have three children before she turns thirty five.
Well, at first, Peter is hesitant about getting in a relationship, but after a few more dates, he gives in. Besides, Cinderella is not giving up the goods unless he commits to her and he has been single for a while. So they decide to make it official and they started to live happily ever after up until she meets the lost boys. The Lost Boys are a group of guys that Peter hangs out with. They are his inner circle of close friends that he has known his entire life. They are also rowdy, obnoxious and rude. They had no manners and they did not show her any respect.
Most of all, Cinderella wanted a Prince, and what she got was a frog whenever Peter would hang out with the Lost Boys. Cinderella brought it to Peter's attention but Peter loved the Boys. They were his friends and he didn't feel like he had to choose. Cinderella was confused because her Prince Charming was suppose to choose her over everyone else. But that didn't happen. The more time Peter spent with the Lost Boys, the further apart they became. All of a sudden Peter decides to call it quits because he realized that he really never wanted to be with Cinderella in the first place. He missed Wendy, his high school sweetheart and nothing or no one compared to her because Wendy loved the Lost Boys. She read them stories, washed their clothes and even played with them whenever she visited. Plus, Cinderella was too needy, expensive and sucked up all of his space! So they parted ways. Peter is still searching for his Wendy, and Cinderella is still waiting on her Prince Charming.
They meet, and Peter decides he likes what he sees! He then becomes interested in getting to know her better. They decide to start dating. Well, as time goes on Cinderella is really starting to fall for Peter, so she brings up the subject of commitment. After all, Cinderella is on a time clock. She wants to have three children before she turns thirty five.
Well, at first, Peter is hesitant about getting in a relationship, but after a few more dates, he gives in. Besides, Cinderella is not giving up the goods unless he commits to her and he has been single for a while. So they decide to make it official and they started to live happily ever after up until she meets the lost boys. The Lost Boys are a group of guys that Peter hangs out with. They are his inner circle of close friends that he has known his entire life. They are also rowdy, obnoxious and rude. They had no manners and they did not show her any respect.
Most of all, Cinderella wanted a Prince, and what she got was a frog whenever Peter would hang out with the Lost Boys. Cinderella brought it to Peter's attention but Peter loved the Boys. They were his friends and he didn't feel like he had to choose. Cinderella was confused because her Prince Charming was suppose to choose her over everyone else. But that didn't happen. The more time Peter spent with the Lost Boys, the further apart they became. All of a sudden Peter decides to call it quits because he realized that he really never wanted to be with Cinderella in the first place. He missed Wendy, his high school sweetheart and nothing or no one compared to her because Wendy loved the Lost Boys. She read them stories, washed their clothes and even played with them whenever she visited. Plus, Cinderella was too needy, expensive and sucked up all of his space! So they parted ways. Peter is still searching for his Wendy, and Cinderella is still waiting on her Prince Charming.
Which character type are you, Cinderella, Wendy, Peter Pan or Prince Charming?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The Journey of What Real Love Feels Like
To My Dearest of all Friends,
Love is amazing and if you ever get a chance to experience it, then baby, you must be blessed! Now, I'm not talking about that temporary kind of love, or the feel good 'for now' kind of love. I'm talking about that genuine type of love that grows better with time like fine wine! Yeah, that kind of love. That kind of love wakes you up in the morning, protects you throughout the day and when you are about to do something stupid, warns you of the outcome. The love I'm talking about doesn't come easy but it comes with much hard work and dedication.
The type of love I'm talking about has a goal and its goals are to perfect and to nurture not to hurt or to hold back the people who desire it. I know you think you are in love, but baby let me tell you, If you don't have the character that is required to love how can you say you are in love?
Love is the actual journey, not the destination. The journey is what makes love eternal as long as you continue to express the character traits of love such as, patience (willingness to wait), generosity (giving as much as receiving), Humility (mutual respect), Meek (mild mannered and even tempered;easy to get along with) , gentile (slow to anger), having a Kind Heart (compassion, empathy; having a nurturing spirit) Passion (drive; determination to succeed). In any loving relationship all of these character traits should be in action When you can express these character traits of love that is how you know you are in love.
So you think you are in love huh? Well I think you need to rethink that! Love doesn't boss you around and treat you like an object to possess rather than a free thinking person who has their own emotions and feelings. Love is not disrespect you by calling me a "Bitch" or a "Whore". Love doesn't take away your self worth, instead it adds to it! You, my dear, have mistaken passion with possession. Nobody belongs to anyone! You can't make anyone love you if they don't want to. There is no amount of sex that is going to keep a man from cheating on you. There is no amount of phone calls text messages and emails that will make him want you more! All that is just bothersome and aggravation and will only lead you to be labeled as 'stalker' or 'pest'! Sweetie, patience is a virtue we all can stand to use more of but you need to exercise it a little more than most because you are doing too much!
Arguing to the point of violence is not him showing you care or vice verse. All that is going to to is get you both put in jail. You have to learn to exercise meekness! Be even tempered, don't be so quick to get angry and jealous. You will find that the more you listen to what is being said, the better your understanding of who you got your self hooked up to. I know you think you are being strong but sometimes are biggest strength is holding your tongue.
See, you are young, therefore you don't know your worth yet and right now you think the love I am talking about is lame. You want one of these guys that run around here imitating what they see on t.v. with their clothes over sized with their pants hanging below their waist. The media portrays slop as the new standard for sex appeal but its not reality. Its just a gimmick to get you to buy into their falsehoods and fake doctrines and fads. They are a made up persona. Don't you allow them to set the standard for what kind of man you desire to be with. You have a brain and you are able to make up your own mind!
Don't stoop so low to pick up a dollar bill when you can stand tall and receive something that is far more valuable, your self respect and the knowledge of your worth! That is something only God's Love can give you. You deserve to be loved and experience love and I hope you experience it so you can see that no amount of money can give you the joy of knowing your worth and what real love feels like!
Love is amazing and if you ever get a chance to experience it, then baby, you must be blessed! Now, I'm not talking about that temporary kind of love, or the feel good 'for now' kind of love. I'm talking about that genuine type of love that grows better with time like fine wine! Yeah, that kind of love. That kind of love wakes you up in the morning, protects you throughout the day and when you are about to do something stupid, warns you of the outcome. The love I'm talking about doesn't come easy but it comes with much hard work and dedication.
The type of love I'm talking about has a goal and its goals are to perfect and to nurture not to hurt or to hold back the people who desire it. I know you think you are in love, but baby let me tell you, If you don't have the character that is required to love how can you say you are in love?
Love is the actual journey, not the destination. The journey is what makes love eternal as long as you continue to express the character traits of love such as, patience (willingness to wait), generosity (giving as much as receiving), Humility (mutual respect), Meek (mild mannered and even tempered;easy to get along with) , gentile (slow to anger), having a Kind Heart (compassion, empathy; having a nurturing spirit) Passion (drive; determination to succeed). In any loving relationship all of these character traits should be in action When you can express these character traits of love that is how you know you are in love.
So you think you are in love huh? Well I think you need to rethink that! Love doesn't boss you around and treat you like an object to possess rather than a free thinking person who has their own emotions and feelings. Love is not disrespect you by calling me a "Bitch" or a "Whore". Love doesn't take away your self worth, instead it adds to it! You, my dear, have mistaken passion with possession. Nobody belongs to anyone! You can't make anyone love you if they don't want to. There is no amount of sex that is going to keep a man from cheating on you. There is no amount of phone calls text messages and emails that will make him want you more! All that is just bothersome and aggravation and will only lead you to be labeled as 'stalker' or 'pest'! Sweetie, patience is a virtue we all can stand to use more of but you need to exercise it a little more than most because you are doing too much!
Arguing to the point of violence is not him showing you care or vice verse. All that is going to to is get you both put in jail. You have to learn to exercise meekness! Be even tempered, don't be so quick to get angry and jealous. You will find that the more you listen to what is being said, the better your understanding of who you got your self hooked up to. I know you think you are being strong but sometimes are biggest strength is holding your tongue.
See, you are young, therefore you don't know your worth yet and right now you think the love I am talking about is lame. You want one of these guys that run around here imitating what they see on t.v. with their clothes over sized with their pants hanging below their waist. The media portrays slop as the new standard for sex appeal but its not reality. Its just a gimmick to get you to buy into their falsehoods and fake doctrines and fads. They are a made up persona. Don't you allow them to set the standard for what kind of man you desire to be with. You have a brain and you are able to make up your own mind!
Don't stoop so low to pick up a dollar bill when you can stand tall and receive something that is far more valuable, your self respect and the knowledge of your worth! That is something only God's Love can give you. You deserve to be loved and experience love and I hope you experience it so you can see that no amount of money can give you the joy of knowing your worth and what real love feels like!
Looking for Mr. Right: Never Found Him But Came Pretty Damn Close!
Dear Mr. Right,
Judging by the men I have dated in the past, I have yet to meet you and I am beginning to think I never will. However, if there was anyone who comes close to being you, it would have to be my boyfriend Justice. He is smart, funny, he loves to cook, and his teeth aren't crooked. I love nice teeth! And every morning, before he kisses me, he brushes them. How awesome is that?!
When I first met Justice, I didn't think he was much to look at. He definitely was not my first choice. In order for a shallow princess like myself to accept a guy like Justice, I had to kiss a few frogs and I met a real toad named Brant.
Brant was his name and he was FINE! I always dated the most attractive guys, looking for Mr. Right! I thought that you couldn't be anyone other than someone with a nice body, great hair and flawless skin and teeth! I always looked at the package instead of its contents! Brant was sexy, and he had great since of humor! Our first date he invited me to a barbecue with his friends at Summerlin Park!
It was fun! His friends were funny and we always had fun together. The more dates we went on the more comfortable he got around me. We began hanging around his friends more and I think that is when things start to get a little weird and change for the worse.
I can remember an incident where one of his friends needed a ride to work and he asked me to borrow my car. No big deal, I told him that I would tag along because I need to make a stop along the way! So, when we go to pick up his friend, he brings his other guy along that I have never met. Now, Brant and I were dating at the time, and I thought Brant could never do any wrong.
When a group of guys get together they can be terribly immature. Well, Brant's friends start making jokes about girls, and every girl they passed by that had short skirts or tight clothes on, the whistled and made insidious comments!
They went even further by rolling down the car window and yell,
" Hey baby, what you got in them jeans? Anything for me?!"
I was mortified and shamefully embarrassed because my car windows are not tinted and they see me in the car like I am co-signing on their idiotic behavior. Then they start making fun of me by telling Brant that he is soft for wanting to be with me all the time! Then I notice that Brant started to feel some peer pressure and decides he has to save face and starts acting out of his character by shouting and cursing like he was some kind of a rancid animal!
Then he says,
" Hell, I'm not tied down, I can do what the hell I want, when I want!"
Then he starts to also comment on women and acting a total ass in front of me like I was just one of the boys! I never said anything to him after that. I just felt to uncomfortable and humiliated! All I could think about is how the hell I could have ever thought that he could ever pass for being Mr. Right! I guess looks aren't important after all.
I broke up with him a few weeks after that. I couldn't be with a guy that took my friendship for granted or let his friends dictate his life by peer pressure. Any grown man that can be swayed by his friends must suffer from some sort of identity crisis or something. Its just too weird!
It wasn't until after I met Justice, that I realized why Brant and I couldn't work. Brant became too comfortable with me. He took my friendship for granted and started acting like I was his homeboy instead of his girlfriend.
There are just some things a girlfriend should never hear or see her boyfriend do. Although I admire his transparency and honesty, I couldn't help but feel that he got too complacent. I wanted to be set apart from everyone else, not be equal to them. I wanted to be that special place he goes to when he wants to be pure and special. I wanted him to treat me the way Justice treats me now-with love and kindness.
Justice never disrespects me and never allows anyone else to do so either. He is very respectful and his personality is age appropriate! Although he is 32 years old, he looks older because of his beard but, his smile tells his youth, and his eyes sparkle with integrity and grace. Most of all, our relationship is OURS, and he doesn't allow his friends to pass judgement on it because it doesn't belong to them. Justice is the type of man that values my love for him instead of condemning it! He nurtures and edifies it and always makes time for it because he cares just that much for me. I never really experienced that with any other guy, and although he is not as fine on the outside like Brant, his character more than makes up for any imperfections that he may have.
Judging by the men I have dated in the past, I have yet to meet you and I am beginning to think I never will. However, if there was anyone who comes close to being you, it would have to be my boyfriend Justice. He is smart, funny, he loves to cook, and his teeth aren't crooked. I love nice teeth! And every morning, before he kisses me, he brushes them. How awesome is that?!
When I first met Justice, I didn't think he was much to look at. He definitely was not my first choice. In order for a shallow princess like myself to accept a guy like Justice, I had to kiss a few frogs and I met a real toad named Brant.
Brant was his name and he was FINE! I always dated the most attractive guys, looking for Mr. Right! I thought that you couldn't be anyone other than someone with a nice body, great hair and flawless skin and teeth! I always looked at the package instead of its contents! Brant was sexy, and he had great since of humor! Our first date he invited me to a barbecue with his friends at Summerlin Park!
It was fun! His friends were funny and we always had fun together. The more dates we went on the more comfortable he got around me. We began hanging around his friends more and I think that is when things start to get a little weird and change for the worse.
I can remember an incident where one of his friends needed a ride to work and he asked me to borrow my car. No big deal, I told him that I would tag along because I need to make a stop along the way! So, when we go to pick up his friend, he brings his other guy along that I have never met. Now, Brant and I were dating at the time, and I thought Brant could never do any wrong.
When a group of guys get together they can be terribly immature. Well, Brant's friends start making jokes about girls, and every girl they passed by that had short skirts or tight clothes on, the whistled and made insidious comments!
They went even further by rolling down the car window and yell,
" Hey baby, what you got in them jeans? Anything for me?!"
I was mortified and shamefully embarrassed because my car windows are not tinted and they see me in the car like I am co-signing on their idiotic behavior. Then they start making fun of me by telling Brant that he is soft for wanting to be with me all the time! Then I notice that Brant started to feel some peer pressure and decides he has to save face and starts acting out of his character by shouting and cursing like he was some kind of a rancid animal!
Then he says,
" Hell, I'm not tied down, I can do what the hell I want, when I want!"
Then he starts to also comment on women and acting a total ass in front of me like I was just one of the boys! I never said anything to him after that. I just felt to uncomfortable and humiliated! All I could think about is how the hell I could have ever thought that he could ever pass for being Mr. Right! I guess looks aren't important after all.
I broke up with him a few weeks after that. I couldn't be with a guy that took my friendship for granted or let his friends dictate his life by peer pressure. Any grown man that can be swayed by his friends must suffer from some sort of identity crisis or something. Its just too weird!
It wasn't until after I met Justice, that I realized why Brant and I couldn't work. Brant became too comfortable with me. He took my friendship for granted and started acting like I was his homeboy instead of his girlfriend.
There are just some things a girlfriend should never hear or see her boyfriend do. Although I admire his transparency and honesty, I couldn't help but feel that he got too complacent. I wanted to be set apart from everyone else, not be equal to them. I wanted to be that special place he goes to when he wants to be pure and special. I wanted him to treat me the way Justice treats me now-with love and kindness.
Justice never disrespects me and never allows anyone else to do so either. He is very respectful and his personality is age appropriate! Although he is 32 years old, he looks older because of his beard but, his smile tells his youth, and his eyes sparkle with integrity and grace. Most of all, our relationship is OURS, and he doesn't allow his friends to pass judgement on it because it doesn't belong to them. Justice is the type of man that values my love for him instead of condemning it! He nurtures and edifies it and always makes time for it because he cares just that much for me. I never really experienced that with any other guy, and although he is not as fine on the outside like Brant, his character more than makes up for any imperfections that he may have.
I never thought that I could ever care about someone based on how they treated me rather than how they look but now that I have grown up, I can honestly say that if you do exist Mr. Right; Justice, although he may not be you, he comes pretty damn close!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The Wish Of A Fallen Star
Dear Lord,
Damn. If you would have told me that I would have died like this (drowning butt naked in my own bath water) 25 years ago, then maybe I would have made some better choices with my life. Well, for one, I would never have started using drugs, smoking dope and snorting cocaine. You know, its funny how people always blamed Ricky for my drug habit but I started using drugs long before I met him. Hell, if it wasn't for the dope, he and I would have never met. Ricky and I had the same dope pusher, Greg. We would frequent the same Hollywood after-parties and that's when the fun started! The after party was originally coined after the Award Show's official party because there were no drugs being had there. So, usually we "Celebrities" and " Superstars" would meet up at someone's mansion and throw down on some cocaine, marijuana, etc. I was 16 when I did my first line of coke and Ricky was no where to be found! I don't think he was even born yet!
Ricky, like me, was also an entertainer but he sold himself in the industry as a bad boy! He was a true rebel. He was a member of a boy band and got kicked out after they decided not to make him the lead singer. Instead he went solo and made a few hit songs. Me? I was under contract. I did my dirt in the dark. The record company fostered my image. A young fresh-faced beauty who could melt your heart with just one octave. I could sing! I had raw talent and I knew how to work a crowd! But my managers had such a tight leash on me that I was never allowed to express myself freely EXCEPT on stage! I loved every minute of it! It used to be so much fun! But I think I came up in this type of industry too young-plucked right out of my church choir at the age of 14. My manager back then said that with a little pruning, I could easily become one of the greats and he was right!
I never knew how much of an impact I had on the music industry as a whole. I was 19 and I had just released my first album. I was too young to realize the legacy I was creating for many artists to come. Besides, I wasn't trying to leave a legacy. I just wanted to sing! I was just having some fun. Being on stage was so much fun and such a thrill, I wanted to feel that way all the time! Cocaine and alcohol did that for me. I Overdosed for the first time right after I won my first Grammy. The record company put a spin on it and leaked a fake story that I was pregnant and had lost the baby. After that, I had a heart to heart talk with my mother and a few close friends and decided to cool it for a while. I didn't quit my drug habit, I just cut back on how many lines I snorted before every performance. Lord, if I knew then what I know now!
Music was my life and it kept me young. But there is only so much you can do to this body before it gives out on you. My spirit was young and vibrant but my body was old because of the wear and tear I put on it because of the drugs and heavy smoking and drinking. I was in my 40s when I took my last breath, but I looked 60. When I stepped out of my body, I saw myself as everyone else saw me and I felt anger growing inside me for the last time. It was only by the grace of you Lord that I survived that long.
Oh well, my life is over now. I've made some decisions that I can't take back. But Lord, if you were to grant me one wish, I promise you I wouldn't waste it like I wasted my vessel of life. My wish is for every one who ever had a dream or a purpose and had lost their way to pray. Pray for the courage to stand in temptation. Pray for the will to overcome the lusts and the sins of this world. Pray for the ones that have, and the ones that have not. Pray for redemption from past hurts and pains. I want them to look at how I lived and died! Know that no matter how gifted or talented they may be, at some point it will all fade away and when it does, I hope that they have the presence of mind to recognize that the only thing that matters is the faith they have in God to see them through their darkest hour. I believe it and I know it to be true now!
For me it is over but for everyone that is living and breathing, there is still hope! Even now after death, as news of my untimely demise spreads and my life's work is being played on every network station and radio station across the world, I feel nothing. I don't feel pride. I don't feel joy. I don't feel sadness. I don't feel anything at all. I only wish.
Damn. If you would have told me that I would have died like this (drowning butt naked in my own bath water) 25 years ago, then maybe I would have made some better choices with my life. Well, for one, I would never have started using drugs, smoking dope and snorting cocaine. You know, its funny how people always blamed Ricky for my drug habit but I started using drugs long before I met him. Hell, if it wasn't for the dope, he and I would have never met. Ricky and I had the same dope pusher, Greg. We would frequent the same Hollywood after-parties and that's when the fun started! The after party was originally coined after the Award Show's official party because there were no drugs being had there. So, usually we "Celebrities" and " Superstars" would meet up at someone's mansion and throw down on some cocaine, marijuana, etc. I was 16 when I did my first line of coke and Ricky was no where to be found! I don't think he was even born yet!
Ricky, like me, was also an entertainer but he sold himself in the industry as a bad boy! He was a true rebel. He was a member of a boy band and got kicked out after they decided not to make him the lead singer. Instead he went solo and made a few hit songs. Me? I was under contract. I did my dirt in the dark. The record company fostered my image. A young fresh-faced beauty who could melt your heart with just one octave. I could sing! I had raw talent and I knew how to work a crowd! But my managers had such a tight leash on me that I was never allowed to express myself freely EXCEPT on stage! I loved every minute of it! It used to be so much fun! But I think I came up in this type of industry too young-plucked right out of my church choir at the age of 14. My manager back then said that with a little pruning, I could easily become one of the greats and he was right!
I never knew how much of an impact I had on the music industry as a whole. I was 19 and I had just released my first album. I was too young to realize the legacy I was creating for many artists to come. Besides, I wasn't trying to leave a legacy. I just wanted to sing! I was just having some fun. Being on stage was so much fun and such a thrill, I wanted to feel that way all the time! Cocaine and alcohol did that for me. I Overdosed for the first time right after I won my first Grammy. The record company put a spin on it and leaked a fake story that I was pregnant and had lost the baby. After that, I had a heart to heart talk with my mother and a few close friends and decided to cool it for a while. I didn't quit my drug habit, I just cut back on how many lines I snorted before every performance. Lord, if I knew then what I know now!
Music was my life and it kept me young. But there is only so much you can do to this body before it gives out on you. My spirit was young and vibrant but my body was old because of the wear and tear I put on it because of the drugs and heavy smoking and drinking. I was in my 40s when I took my last breath, but I looked 60. When I stepped out of my body, I saw myself as everyone else saw me and I felt anger growing inside me for the last time. It was only by the grace of you Lord that I survived that long.
Oh well, my life is over now. I've made some decisions that I can't take back. But Lord, if you were to grant me one wish, I promise you I wouldn't waste it like I wasted my vessel of life. My wish is for every one who ever had a dream or a purpose and had lost their way to pray. Pray for the courage to stand in temptation. Pray for the will to overcome the lusts and the sins of this world. Pray for the ones that have, and the ones that have not. Pray for redemption from past hurts and pains. I want them to look at how I lived and died! Know that no matter how gifted or talented they may be, at some point it will all fade away and when it does, I hope that they have the presence of mind to recognize that the only thing that matters is the faith they have in God to see them through their darkest hour. I believe it and I know it to be true now!
For me it is over but for everyone that is living and breathing, there is still hope! Even now after death, as news of my untimely demise spreads and my life's work is being played on every network station and radio station across the world, I feel nothing. I don't feel pride. I don't feel joy. I don't feel sadness. I don't feel anything at all. I only wish.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Love Don't Pay The Bills
Dear Friend-Girl,
So what if I get a man to pay my bills and get them to keep me looking good. I deserve it! I work a 9 to 5 job! I work hard for what I got! I don't see anything wrong for getting someone else to pay for the extra things a woman like me need and deserve to have. Don't get mad at me because you are too dumb to think of doing it yourself.
Listen you can call it what you want either it be prostitution, high priced call-girl, mail order bride, WHATEVER! The only reason you say those things is because you got a man living in your house eating your food and not contributing to anything. He don't help you pay rent or utilities, he always got your car and brings it back on empty and he never helps around the house like mowing the yard.
Every time we talk you always say how you don't have any money for this and that! I tried to call you the other day so we can go get our nails and hair done. Instead of going out and having girl time, you told me you couldn't go because you spent all of your money getting your car fixed!! Uh, don't you have a man for that?
Nah. If it was me, he would have been sitting on the curb with his little back pack of belongings waiting on traffic a long time ago!
A woman like me knows how to get what she need without having to lift a finger. You have to know how to use what you got to get what you need in this life sweetie. All of this equality stuff is just another ploy to keep you wanting and broke.
A man is suppose to pay for EVERYTHING! Its his sole purpose in life. It is what he was designed for. Any man won't is no man at all. A man's desire is to have a beautiful woman on his arm and he will stop at nothing to get it. A real man understand his role in this and is willing to contribute. If he wants you to have bigger breasts or a bigger booty and a small waist then he should pay for the gym membership or pay for the appointment at the surgeon's office!
If he is looking to get some loving, then that doesn't come cheap either. A woman is going to need a new bed to live out all of his freaky little fantasies right? And if she is going to have a new bed then it need to come in a new house! So you can say what you want about me! I'm not the one looking broke busted and disgusted for the sake of love! Love don't pay the bills honey!
If you knew any better you would feel the same way I do and kick that lame ass good for nothing boy toy out of your house and get you a real man. Get you somebody that can take care of you financially so you don't have to worry about the small stuff! I'm Just Saying!
So what if I get a man to pay my bills and get them to keep me looking good. I deserve it! I work a 9 to 5 job! I work hard for what I got! I don't see anything wrong for getting someone else to pay for the extra things a woman like me need and deserve to have. Don't get mad at me because you are too dumb to think of doing it yourself.
Listen you can call it what you want either it be prostitution, high priced call-girl, mail order bride, WHATEVER! The only reason you say those things is because you got a man living in your house eating your food and not contributing to anything. He don't help you pay rent or utilities, he always got your car and brings it back on empty and he never helps around the house like mowing the yard.
Every time we talk you always say how you don't have any money for this and that! I tried to call you the other day so we can go get our nails and hair done. Instead of going out and having girl time, you told me you couldn't go because you spent all of your money getting your car fixed!! Uh, don't you have a man for that?
Nah. If it was me, he would have been sitting on the curb with his little back pack of belongings waiting on traffic a long time ago!
A woman like me knows how to get what she need without having to lift a finger. You have to know how to use what you got to get what you need in this life sweetie. All of this equality stuff is just another ploy to keep you wanting and broke.
A man is suppose to pay for EVERYTHING! Its his sole purpose in life. It is what he was designed for. Any man won't is no man at all. A man's desire is to have a beautiful woman on his arm and he will stop at nothing to get it. A real man understand his role in this and is willing to contribute. If he wants you to have bigger breasts or a bigger booty and a small waist then he should pay for the gym membership or pay for the appointment at the surgeon's office!
If he is looking to get some loving, then that doesn't come cheap either. A woman is going to need a new bed to live out all of his freaky little fantasies right? And if she is going to have a new bed then it need to come in a new house! So you can say what you want about me! I'm not the one looking broke busted and disgusted for the sake of love! Love don't pay the bills honey!
If you knew any better you would feel the same way I do and kick that lame ass good for nothing boy toy out of your house and get you a real man. Get you somebody that can take care of you financially so you don't have to worry about the small stuff! I'm Just Saying!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Deuces Wild
To The Father Of My Unborn Child,
There is nothing I wouldn't have done for you. Did you know that? All you had to do was come to me and tell me what was going on and I would have supported you. I would have stood by you but not only because I am pregnant with your child but because I love you and you are MY man and that is what a good woman is suppose to do. I know we are young and this baby came at a surprise. Hell, I still don't know if I'm ready to be a mom and I'm getting closer to my due date by the day! I'm hoping that everything will work itself out when the baby gets here.
I have to have faith that everything will be okay. But what I am most afraid of is the thought of you not being around to raise your son. You won't be around to teach him how to be a man, but how could you when you don't even know how to be one yourself! What happened to you? What happened to us? When did you decide this wasn't what you wanted because last month you were all for having a family and starting our lives together. Now, you tell me that you need some space to see where you want to be. I don't understand that. We have been together for two years and in that time we have moved in together and started a life together then all of a sudden I come home from work and find your things gone! Not one single note, or a phone call explaining why. But you have the nerve to go and tell your homeboy that you didn't thing the baby was yours and you have to get a paternity test before you can go any further with me?? Is that true? I haven't been with anyone else but you and I think you know that. I just think you are scared of all this becoming real. Just call me Come home and we will talk about it. I still love you.
To The Mother Of My Supposedly Unborn Baby,
You love me? How do you figure that? Girl, since the first day we were together you have been pressuring me to settle down with you. You made it too easy for me. I never really wanted to be with you like that. But as time went on I developed feelings for you but I never REALLY loved you enough to marry you or want to start a family with you. I kept telling you that from the start but you wouldn't listen. I told you I didn't want kids right now but you didn't listen to that either. Oh so now I'm the bad guy for ending something I never should have started? Girl please! You wanted a baby and you didn't care how you got one. Damn Right I want a paternity test! I don't know that the baby you are carrying is mine and before I start giving you any more of my time and money, I want to know for sure.
See, I know about Tyrone, and Melve. How do you think I got your number way back then? When I told them you were pregnant, they advised me to wait and make sure because you were known to do some foul things in the past. They told me everything on how you used to poke holes in their condoms and try to get pregnant! So you expect me to trust you? Hell Naw! I don't trust none of you females! I can't believe you writing me letters asking me what happened to us like we were a real couple. I just lived with you that year because my apartment got flooded and it was simple just to live with you. You never made me pay rent so I saved money! So as far as me leaving? I left because I finally found a place to stay because you kept talking about marriage. I am not marrying you. I have feelings for you but I can't trust you to marry you. But I told you all of this before so why are you trippin'?? Girl you better get your mind right, I'm serious. Get it together because right now you seem really crazy. Don't worry about me because I will be alright. I got mine, you need to get yours. Oh and by the way, I'm coming by to drop off your house key you gave me. I won't be needing that anymore. Deuces!
There is nothing I wouldn't have done for you. Did you know that? All you had to do was come to me and tell me what was going on and I would have supported you. I would have stood by you but not only because I am pregnant with your child but because I love you and you are MY man and that is what a good woman is suppose to do. I know we are young and this baby came at a surprise. Hell, I still don't know if I'm ready to be a mom and I'm getting closer to my due date by the day! I'm hoping that everything will work itself out when the baby gets here.
I have to have faith that everything will be okay. But what I am most afraid of is the thought of you not being around to raise your son. You won't be around to teach him how to be a man, but how could you when you don't even know how to be one yourself! What happened to you? What happened to us? When did you decide this wasn't what you wanted because last month you were all for having a family and starting our lives together. Now, you tell me that you need some space to see where you want to be. I don't understand that. We have been together for two years and in that time we have moved in together and started a life together then all of a sudden I come home from work and find your things gone! Not one single note, or a phone call explaining why. But you have the nerve to go and tell your homeboy that you didn't thing the baby was yours and you have to get a paternity test before you can go any further with me?? Is that true? I haven't been with anyone else but you and I think you know that. I just think you are scared of all this becoming real. Just call me Come home and we will talk about it. I still love you.
To The Mother Of My Supposedly Unborn Baby,
You love me? How do you figure that? Girl, since the first day we were together you have been pressuring me to settle down with you. You made it too easy for me. I never really wanted to be with you like that. But as time went on I developed feelings for you but I never REALLY loved you enough to marry you or want to start a family with you. I kept telling you that from the start but you wouldn't listen. I told you I didn't want kids right now but you didn't listen to that either. Oh so now I'm the bad guy for ending something I never should have started? Girl please! You wanted a baby and you didn't care how you got one. Damn Right I want a paternity test! I don't know that the baby you are carrying is mine and before I start giving you any more of my time and money, I want to know for sure.
See, I know about Tyrone, and Melve. How do you think I got your number way back then? When I told them you were pregnant, they advised me to wait and make sure because you were known to do some foul things in the past. They told me everything on how you used to poke holes in their condoms and try to get pregnant! So you expect me to trust you? Hell Naw! I don't trust none of you females! I can't believe you writing me letters asking me what happened to us like we were a real couple. I just lived with you that year because my apartment got flooded and it was simple just to live with you. You never made me pay rent so I saved money! So as far as me leaving? I left because I finally found a place to stay because you kept talking about marriage. I am not marrying you. I have feelings for you but I can't trust you to marry you. But I told you all of this before so why are you trippin'?? Girl you better get your mind right, I'm serious. Get it together because right now you seem really crazy. Don't worry about me because I will be alright. I got mine, you need to get yours. Oh and by the way, I'm coming by to drop off your house key you gave me. I won't be needing that anymore. Deuces!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Stubborn Stephanie's Still Single
Dear Diary,
Man, I sure am tired of giving my all to guys who don't give me anything in return. It seems like every guy I was ever interested in has either let me down or disappointed me in someway. More often than not, it happens after we have sex! My friends tell me I should wait and let a guy show me who he is before I go the distance but I don't want to wait! I want to have fun! I mean, guys do it, so why can't I? They tell me I should just enjoy meeting new people and keep an open mind about love and not be too shallow. I don't think I am shallow, its just that I like attractive guys!
My best friend told me that I should focus on school and keep my mind off of finding love. She says I should look for friendship in a guy instead of jumping into bed with them and thinking relationships happen that way. Only in the movies, not in real life! But I love romantic movies where the girl finds love unexpectedly!! I want that too. Why can't I bake my cake have it forever while nibbling off of it piece by piece daily?? I want a man, and not just any man. I WANT MY OWN MAN!!
I am tired of being alone and I want to be loved and adored by somebody, but every time I commit, the guy I am seeing is never ready. Why not? I mean, I am cute, I am in school, so I am very intelligent and I work full time, so I have money! Why am I still single? I can't help who I fall in love with.
For instance, just last month I met a guy tending bar at my favorite Pub. He was sexy, and I was tipsy so I thought he should know how attractive he was to me. Hell, I was so tipsy, all the guys were looking pretty hot and tempting at that point!
Anyway, I go up to him, and ask him for his phone number, I said
"Oh My God, you are so cute right now! Are you single? If so, can I get your phone number? My name is Stephanie by the way!"
He gave me his number without even saying a word. I got it like that! I can get any man I want just by asking. So, I call him up the next day and leave a message on his answering machine, and the next day he texts me back! I got so excited!
We have been texting each other for a month now and we've had sex a few times until I decided to want more.
So, one night after we meet up, usually in random places because he has roommates,
I ask him THE question. I say,
"So, where are we going from here? Are we a couple now because I am really feeling you and I want to be your girlfriend."
Then he looks down at his watch, then slowly looks up at me and says,
"I like you, I do. Its just that I have a lot going on right now and I can't complicate things with a girlfriend. You understand that right? But that doesn't mean we have to stop doing what we do because I really like you and I want to spend time with you."
Well, he likes me and wants to spend time with me. That is what is most important right?
So, I continue to sex him at random places for a while. Then our meeting had gotten few and far between, so I started to call him and I kept getting the damn voicemail. I am beginning to think he is avoiding me which sucks and now I feel unwanted, unloved and so empty inside.
I feel numb to the world and all I have is this hole in my heart where this guy should be. What do I do now? I know, I will find another guy to fill it! I saw this guy in the library that I go to often, and he looked cute, maybe I will start with him!
To The Reader,
The moral to this story is this: The cycle of fulfilling the desire for love with lust will continue until you decide you want more than just a fling. You say you want a relationship but all you are showing the other person in that relationship is a good time. Love doesn't happen through sex. It is cultivated over time of getting to know a person for who they are and allowing others to get to know you for who you really are. If you add sex to that equation, it only complicates things with fake emotions brought on by lust. Therefore you can't trust your feelings if you would have just left sex out of it. Take time to love the right way and not let your body dictate what your next move is. Conquer that inner lustful nature and you will find the natural flow of the human connection that we all long for. Good luck and God bless ya!
Man, I sure am tired of giving my all to guys who don't give me anything in return. It seems like every guy I was ever interested in has either let me down or disappointed me in someway. More often than not, it happens after we have sex! My friends tell me I should wait and let a guy show me who he is before I go the distance but I don't want to wait! I want to have fun! I mean, guys do it, so why can't I? They tell me I should just enjoy meeting new people and keep an open mind about love and not be too shallow. I don't think I am shallow, its just that I like attractive guys!
My best friend told me that I should focus on school and keep my mind off of finding love. She says I should look for friendship in a guy instead of jumping into bed with them and thinking relationships happen that way. Only in the movies, not in real life! But I love romantic movies where the girl finds love unexpectedly!! I want that too. Why can't I bake my cake have it forever while nibbling off of it piece by piece daily?? I want a man, and not just any man. I WANT MY OWN MAN!!
I am tired of being alone and I want to be loved and adored by somebody, but every time I commit, the guy I am seeing is never ready. Why not? I mean, I am cute, I am in school, so I am very intelligent and I work full time, so I have money! Why am I still single? I can't help who I fall in love with.
For instance, just last month I met a guy tending bar at my favorite Pub. He was sexy, and I was tipsy so I thought he should know how attractive he was to me. Hell, I was so tipsy, all the guys were looking pretty hot and tempting at that point!
Anyway, I go up to him, and ask him for his phone number, I said
"Oh My God, you are so cute right now! Are you single? If so, can I get your phone number? My name is Stephanie by the way!"
He gave me his number without even saying a word. I got it like that! I can get any man I want just by asking. So, I call him up the next day and leave a message on his answering machine, and the next day he texts me back! I got so excited!
We have been texting each other for a month now and we've had sex a few times until I decided to want more.
So, one night after we meet up, usually in random places because he has roommates,
I ask him THE question. I say,
"So, where are we going from here? Are we a couple now because I am really feeling you and I want to be your girlfriend."
Then he looks down at his watch, then slowly looks up at me and says,
"I like you, I do. Its just that I have a lot going on right now and I can't complicate things with a girlfriend. You understand that right? But that doesn't mean we have to stop doing what we do because I really like you and I want to spend time with you."
Well, he likes me and wants to spend time with me. That is what is most important right?
So, I continue to sex him at random places for a while. Then our meeting had gotten few and far between, so I started to call him and I kept getting the damn voicemail. I am beginning to think he is avoiding me which sucks and now I feel unwanted, unloved and so empty inside.
I feel numb to the world and all I have is this hole in my heart where this guy should be. What do I do now? I know, I will find another guy to fill it! I saw this guy in the library that I go to often, and he looked cute, maybe I will start with him!
To The Reader,
The moral to this story is this: The cycle of fulfilling the desire for love with lust will continue until you decide you want more than just a fling. You say you want a relationship but all you are showing the other person in that relationship is a good time. Love doesn't happen through sex. It is cultivated over time of getting to know a person for who they are and allowing others to get to know you for who you really are. If you add sex to that equation, it only complicates things with fake emotions brought on by lust. Therefore you can't trust your feelings if you would have just left sex out of it. Take time to love the right way and not let your body dictate what your next move is. Conquer that inner lustful nature and you will find the natural flow of the human connection that we all long for. Good luck and God bless ya!
Friday, January 20, 2012
On The Morrow
Godspeed dear lover,
May the Evertree blossom and bring you good tiding amid
your amicable departure from the love nest of my bosom.
As the morrow approaches, so does my love for you.
It grows as far as the distance between us.
Alas, dear heart of my being-fruit of my love.
There is but one and it is you.
It is you that I must wait for.
It is you that I must pine over until the morrow comes.
Forever is the journey of my soul as it races
To become one with you
And your mind, your heart, your spirit.
Hurry back to me.
Hurry back to the love we both hold dear.
Parting is a dreadful sorrow.
Whoever said it was sweet must have lied.
Day and night, as the grass grows green,
Then brown again and as the snow falls.
I will wait for you.
Weeks and Months, as the sun in the sky shines bright
Then the weather gets cloudy and the rain pours.
I will wait for you.
Whether it be a year or a decade,
I will wait for however long it takes
To bask in the beauty of your presence.
The morrow comes to bring you closer to me.
As long as the wind blows I know you still breathe.
I am yours forever, and you are mine.
Dearly beloved we will be gathered
Together on the morrow forever thine.
May the Evertree blossom and bring you good tiding amid
your amicable departure from the love nest of my bosom.
As the morrow approaches, so does my love for you.
It grows as far as the distance between us.
Alas, dear heart of my being-fruit of my love.
There is but one and it is you.
It is you that I must wait for.
It is you that I must pine over until the morrow comes.
Forever is the journey of my soul as it races
To become one with you
And your mind, your heart, your spirit.
Hurry back to me.
Hurry back to the love we both hold dear.
Parting is a dreadful sorrow.
Whoever said it was sweet must have lied.
Day and night, as the grass grows green,
Then brown again and as the snow falls.
I will wait for you.
Weeks and Months, as the sun in the sky shines bright
Then the weather gets cloudy and the rain pours.
I will wait for you.
Whether it be a year or a decade,
I will wait for however long it takes
To bask in the beauty of your presence.
The morrow comes to bring you closer to me.
As long as the wind blows I know you still breathe.
I am yours forever, and you are mine.
Dearly beloved we will be gathered
Together on the morrow forever thine.
At least Love Never Fails
This poem is for all those who attempt to fall in love
again after being brutalized by it.
Shock rocks the stocks,
Love fades like gym socks,
On a Brooklyn block,
They call the cops,
The beating never Stops,
Like cold cocks,
They are all limp,
Like a summer pimp,
Getting no sleep,
Sweating in the gym,
They all attempt to sway her,
Some end up trying to lay her,
But fails.
They try the file out,
Not the prison,
But the jail,
They try to wild out,
But break all the nails,
Hail to the one with tall tales,
Fake hair and fake nails,
At least love never fails.
-A victim of love
again after being brutalized by it.
Shock rocks the stocks,
Love fades like gym socks,
On a Brooklyn block,
They call the cops,
The beating never Stops,
Like cold cocks,
They are all limp,
Like a summer pimp,
Getting no sleep,
Sweating in the gym,
They all attempt to sway her,
Some end up trying to lay her,
But fails.
They try the file out,
Not the prison,
But the jail,
They try to wild out,
But break all the nails,
Hail to the one with tall tales,
Fake hair and fake nails,
At least love never fails.
-A victim of love
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