Lost In Love That Never Lasts

I never wanted to let you in because I never wanted to feel the way I am feeling right now.I hate falling in love because I always seem to lose myself in it. When I fall in love nothing I valued before seems worth anything. My close friends become distant. My hobbies become things of the past and the food I once loved becomes flavorless.
You and the love I feel for you have replaced all of those things. You have become my closest friend. The only things I enjoy doing are things that you enjoy doing and your favorite foods have become my favorite as well. But where am I? What happened to  ME? When did I lose myself in you and why did I allow this to happen?
I remember when I was interesting. I traveled the world and studied other cultures and tasted exotic fruits of the land. I took an interest in music and had even began taking guitar lessons. I was a prolific artist and could use my spare time to create wonderful works of art that people adored and coveted. I loved my creativity. It was my badge of independence and self actualization. I was confidant  in what I did and who I was... until I met you.
You swept me off my feet by coming into my life and showing me a world I never thought possible. Your smile was comforting and your kisses were like velvet. Every fiber in my being craved your presence. I craved your scent and your sound and I also craved every word  about your love for me. You were (and still remain)  an interruption of my life.
 Even now I  feel the creativity draining from me as you sponge the very life of it from my body leaving me shriveled and dried up. I crave the moisture  of creativity that flows from only your lips now. I allowed you to take away what was preciously mine only to receive a portion of the mediocrity of life that you possess. I never knew my value until I saw yours and by then, it was too late. Your love had taken over me and I was too weak to control it or even cease its destructive nature upon me.
Your love was a drug and it intoxicated me like nothing I have ever experienced. Not even a bottle of the strongest liquor could blur the line between lust and reality like the love I had for you. I couldn't let you go. You had me and I was an addict. The desire to be free has long gone away. I only long to be with you and to remain in your life and to only enjoy the things that are important to you. But what about me? What happened to me and when did I become this person that I no longer recognize? I have become the one thing I never thought I would ever be-LOST! I have become lost! I am lost in a type of love that never lasts forever and it will take forever to find myself again.

The Facebook Photos

It was Sunday Morning. Sandra and Stephen had just got home that night after spending a couple of weeks in Paris! It was as beautiful in person as it was in brochures and the food was excellent. Sandra decides to make breakfast so she got up out of the bed and went into the kitchen. When she opens the kitchen door, Stephen walks into the kitchen.
"Baby, I had such a great time in Europe. It was nothing I have ever experienced before. Thanks for taking me." (leans over and kisses her on the cheek)
-"Awe, no problem sweetie. I was happy to take you with me. I'm sure you could use a break from all the tests you had to grade. I'm sure its not easy being an English Professor at an Ivy League college at just 29 years old."
"Speaking of school, I was wondering if you could make those Christmas cookies you make every year. You know, the ones with the pecans in them, I want to take a pan to the college for the annual faculty Christmas party."
- "Sure baby. How many people are attending?"
"A hundred or so..." (pulls out a chair at the kitchen counter. Sits, and opens his laptop computer.) " Babe, how did you post the pictures of our trip on Facebook so fast? We just got back last night!?"
- " Sweetie, come on! Are you serious? You know my camera has a Facebook application that lets you upload images as soon as you take them. The power of technology!" (smiles sarcastically)
"Whatever! I just don't like everyone knowing our every move all the time, that's all. Just be careful!"
-" I know, but its PARIS!!!!  I want EVERYONE TO BE JEALOUS!! " (jumps up and down with excitement)
" Yeah,... that trip was awesome! Well, okay, just this once I can understand!" (leans across the counter and kisses her on the four head)

Sandra  felt on top of the world, like nothing could touch her. It was a beautiful Sunday morning. They sat and talked about the trip and looked over photos while they ate breakfast. Stephen contemplated if they should attend Sunday service at their church, but Sandra decides against it. She was still tired from the plane flight. Besides, what she really wanted was an all day freak fest in the bedroom! She was sure Stephen would be down for that! 
(door bell rings)
Who could that be, they wonder.  Sandra slips on her robe, ties it in the front as she walks to the door.
-"Who is it?"
"Uh..Its me, Todd."
Todd was Sandra's ex-boyfriend who smokes a lot of weed (which is one of the reasons why they broke up). They hadn't been together in three years, however, that never stopped him from sending her inappropriate text messages, and calling her out of the blue. He had also been showing up at her house unannounced. The last time he came, he told Sandra he wanted her back. He said he had been thinking of her and now he realizes that she was his future-his future wife, and there is nothing that she could do to make him stop loving her.
She tried to tell  him that  showing up at her house was disrespectful to his girlfriend, (whom he'd been seeing during their three years apart) not to mention just creepy! He just wouldn't listen. But this time, she had to be firm! she had to look him in the eye and tell him NEVER to come here again!
Sandra opens the door as she looks back to see if her boyfriend, Stephen, had followed her to the living room. He did not. She slips out the front door, shutting it quietly behind her as to not bring any attention to Todd.
She knew Stephen would flip the hell out if he knew Todd was trying to get back with her. Stephen would likely  try to kill Todd if he knew everything he was doing! Sandra couldn't let Stephen get caught up in her drama. She had to get rid of Todd herself.
-" I thought I asked you not to come by here! What do you want?"
"My bad, I just came by because I saw your photos on Facebook...So, I see you went to Paris huh... Who is the guy in the photos with you? Is that your man now?... Is he sexing you better than me? ...You know nobody's gonna love you like I love you.... You and I are meant to be baby!"
-"Okay... I used to think you were just joking around, but now I see you are serious! You have lost your mind! You really need to stay away from the WEED! Go HOME!"
"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHO THE HELL HE IS!!"
-" Okay... first of all! Keep your voice down ...Second of all, who he is... is none of you damn business! YOU GOT A LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND! You got a brand new life away from me! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! Stop coming around here harassing me over this bullshit!! You are about to make me call the cops on your ass!" (turns to go back inside, but Todd grabs her by the hair suddenly! He pulls out a gun and points it to her head)
"No, Bitch!..Today I am the police!!"


Todd forces his way into the house. Boyfriend Stephen comes running out of the kitchen, but stops dead in his tracks once he sees the gun. Todd points the gun at Stephen.
"Are you the one that is sexing my future wife?! HUH?? ... Tell me or I will put a bullet in both of you RIGHT NOW!?"
(Stephen, utters words, stutters, and stammers. Somehow the words find their way out of his mouth)
" La-la- look man, ya-ya you don't want to do this!....Whatever it is man, we can work it out!  Ja-Just, put the gun down!" ( Stephen's heart palpitates and he suddenly passes out, dropping face first into the hard wood floor)

When Stephen comes to, he is outside, in an ambulance! Todd must have drug him outside. The neighbors must have called 9-1-1. There were SWAT teams, Snipers, and K-9 Units everywhere. He looked around frantically. The EMT, trying to coerce him to calm down. Sandra! Where Is Sandra?! He remembers the last time he saw her, she had a gun to her head! But she must be alive because the police are still surrounding the house!
 Meanwhile, Sandra and Todd are in the house. Todd has the gun pointed to Sandra threatening her.
"You see what you made me do? Huh? When I saw those photos of you and that dude on Facebook, I felt disrespected! You know I want you! Why did you have to go and post those photos of you and some other guy kissing and hugging! (his voice gets louder) I CAN'T STAND TO SEE YOU WITH NOBODY BUT ME!"
 He pulls Sandra close to him, firmly pressing his body against hers as Sandra tries to pull away, but he is stronger!
-"PLEEEAAASE!!!!!! Don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!" 
"I wanted you to be mine, but NO! So if you aren't gonna give it to me, I'm gonna take it!"
He grabs her by the head, with each hand pressed against her ears, forcing her to kiss him. She screams but the sound is muffled by his lips while forcing his tongue down  her throat. She gags.
-"Todd!!!! Please...don't do this! Please don't do this!..NO!"
"Shut up..BITCH!!..I own you now!! Give me what I want!"
Sandra is frantically trying to free herself as thoughts of rape fill her. She finally gets enough room to knee him in the groin. But it does nothing!
She bites him on the face! He screams and slaps her in the face with the butt of the gun! Sandra falls to the floor. Dizzy with pain, she tries to crawl to the door. He grabs her by the hair, forcefully turning her on her back.
-"Noooooo!!!!" She screams.
He unbuckles his pants with one hand while holding the gun in another! Just as he is about to pounce on her, a shot rang out! Sandra Screams as Todd's blood spatters on her face and  falls to the floor. His lifeless body rests on top of her!
Exhausted with turmoil, she passes out, only to awake three days later in the ICU. Stephen is by her side.
Three weeks later, Sandra is released from the hospital. On the ride home she checks her Facebook status on her blackberry and wonders how something so simple as posting photos on a website could lead to something so horrible. She deletes her entire account!

The Nosy Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,
Thank you for the flowers you sent me. I have been home sick for a week and you are the only neighbor that was thoughtful enough to bring me some soup, magazines, a get well card and a basket of flowers. So consider this heads up as me returning the favor. Now, I am not the one to get in anybody's business but there is something going on over there at your house. Every afternoon, I go out to water my flowers (usually noon because that is when the sun is the hottest).
Well, while I was stepping out my front door, I noticed a car driving past your house. It was a red Volvo with a TALG12 license plate. This car drives by your house every afternoon, however, it always slows down and stops for a minute before driving on. The car didn't have any tint on the  windows so I was able to see who was in the car. It was a woman, and she looked distraught, even angry at times. I don't know if she was talking on the phone or just plain crazy! She always seemed to be talking to herself and banging on the steering wheel like a mad woman!
Now, I wouldn't have mentioned this if she would have just kept driving by everyday. But last night while I was taking out the trash, I noticed her car parked in your driveway. Your car was gone and I thought she might have been breaking in. I was about to call the police when I noticed your male companion and this woman come storming out of the house. They look like they had been arguing. I hid behind one of my bushes so they would not notice me as I looked on. But if they were paying any attention, they could have easily seen me standing there. I was never much good at hide and seek.
Well, he started to hug her, she pulls away and slaps at him. He blocks her hand by grabbing it and pulls her close to kiss her passionately! She tries to struggle, but gives in to him. Well, they kiss like that for a long time. Then suddenly he pulls away reluctantly to looks at his wrist watch, then hurries her into the car. She drives off.
Well, no sooner as she turns the corner, you drive up. He runs out to the mail box as if to look like he had just come out of the house to get the mail. He greets you, by kissing you with the very same lips he just kissed that woman minutes ago! Well, I had just seen enough at that point. I went into the house. It wasn't until then that I realized how close I was to being spotted by them. I was standing right outside in front of my yard and he didn't even scan the neighborhood to see if anyone was watching! I don't think he cared. I don't think he cares for you much either! Take it from someone who knows a thing or two about no good two timing losers. Your man is a loser! I'm telling you this because I too was a victim of a cheating husband.
Well, he was cheating on me long before we ever got married, but I thought once we got married he would change. I thought if we both VOWED to be faithful, then he would be with me and only me. The first year he was faithful, or so I thought. Then, the phone calls late at night started happening again. He began to stay at work late, again. Then the hotel stays on the credit card receipts started up again.
However, the reality didn't set in until, I got a visit from a woman claiming that my husband fathered her baby she was carrying! That was when I realized that it wasn't him that was living a lie, it was ME! I was lying to myself, telling myself we had a happy marriage. I ignored the facts of what I knew just so I could live a lie! I don't want you to do what I did.
I'm sure you have speculations and if you aren't married to him, you need to get to the bottom of it now before you end up doing something you will regret for the rest of your life! You are a good woman. You have always been kind to me and I at least owe you the courtesy of letting you know whats really going on over there at your house when you are not there! I hope you take heed to this letter. God bless you and do the right thing for you, and not everyone else around you.

The Tuxedo Man

Out of the midst of the fog, I see you breathing endless amounts of sadness. Your eyes wet with grief,  I can see it running down your cheeks. Your face soaked with guilt. Your hands clinging to the edge of the railing. Staring down into the abyss below, you tighten your grip on the railing hoisting yourself onto the ledge of the bridge. I shout!
 -"Sir, is there something wrong?!"
No answer. You don't hear me or maybe you do, however you never turn your head to look at me. I want to run to you but I was too afraid of what I might see, so I shout again!
-"Sir, is there something wrong! Is there someone down there? Should I call the police?!"
I slowly approach you. Not close enough to grab you but close enough to see your face and what you are wearing. I notice you wearing a tuxedo with a white flower in your left front pocket. You turn to face me with pain in your eyes and with tears streaming down your caramel colored cheeks. You say,
"I'm sorry. I can't do this!" as you lean away from the rail.
I try to grab your arm before you let go, but it was to late. You were gone and I had no idea where you had fallen because of the darkness that lie beneath.
Who were you and what couldn't you do?
When the rescue divers fished your body out of the river. They asked me to identify your body as the man I saw. The tuxedo. Yes. It was you.

I couldn't help but wonder what would make a man throw himself off a bridge, ultimately ending his own life? Was he being blackmailed? Did he kill someone and could not live with the guilt?
His last words, "I'm sorry. I can't do this" haunted my dreams at night.
I couldn't sleep for days after that. His eyes forever etched in the back of my brain. I got a knock on the door, I spoke through the door before I opened it.
- "Who is it?"
 "Its Sheila. ...Sheila Hollingsworth. I am the Widow of the man you saw fall off the bridge."
Okay, what the hell is she doing at my house. Somebody at the police station is getting fired!  I still hadn't opened the door because what if she is crazy and thinks something was going on between me and him? I never knew the man!
So I call out to her through the closed door.
-"Ma'am, I don't know how you got my address but I can assure..."
"I just need a moment of your time, I don't mean any harm. I just want to know if he mentioned me at all! Did he say anything at all! I just want to know what happened! That night was our wedding night!"
 I could hear the pain in her voice. She was heartbroken, not angry.
My anger towards her grew silent and I felt remorse for her. How could her newly wed husband commit such an act? This was too crazy to be true, but my inquiring mind wanted to know desperately who this man was and why he did it. So,  I opened the door, but only cracked it a bit. I still didn't know her.
"Are you Sandra Burke?"
-"Yes. I am she.."
"May I come in? I promise I don't have any ulterior motive only to know what he said, if anything at all!"
-"Well, okay. But you can't stay long, I am expecting company in about an hour." 
I lied. I wasn't expecting nobody over. I just wanted her to know that someone was on their way over just in case she tried anything funny. I let her in and we sat and talked, but she did most of the talking.
After I told her what he said to me on the bridge, she began to cry.
She said that she didn't mean to pressure him into marrying her. She just wanted her two kids to be in a household where both the parents were married. All her friends were married and she just got tired of everyone wondering when she was going to get married. Her parents weren't so thrilled when he got her pregnant at 16, and they didn't expect him to stick around, but he did. She went on to tell me that he was a good father to his 2 boys and that he loved them so much. She knew he didn't want to get married but his parents persuaded him into at least getting engaged.
They were engaged after they had their second child, and that was 5 years ago. She said he was always a mama's boy. He did whatever his mother told him. His mother wanted him to get married and have lots of children for her because he was her only child. He never really told anybody no. She didn't think he knew how. I began to feel sorry for him, but I was also angry at the same time.It was hard for me to fathom a grown man, not standing up for himself. Instead of doing what was right for him, he thought was right for everyone else. The guy was obviously depressed, and went through life not making any decisions for himself  which ultimately lead him to suicide. He dug a whole so deep, it was better to die rather than dig himself out of it. So sad. Poor Sheila, A wife and a widow all in the same night! Better to live alone than to live a lie. After she left, I finally put everything in perspective and could finally sleep at night. I gave Sheila my phone number just in case she ever needed to talk. We ended up becoming good friends. She credits me for getting her through the roughest time in her life. I guess you never know how or why people come into your life. But, you are always glad that they are in your life. She eventually went back to school, for nursing, and graduated at the top of her class, and is now engaged to a doctor. Turns out this tragedy may have been the best thing that ever happened to her.- R.I. P. Tuxedo Man.