Dear Friend,
Why are you crying? Dry your eyes! No need to be angry. He is just doing what he's supposed to do. You know he is a dishonest person so why do you continue to play the fool with him? You must have thought it was okay Friday night because you allowed him to put his hands all over you. You know he has a girlfriend, so you are not innocent in this at all! Furthermore, she's not innocent either because she knows about you, and she knows you like to read her facebook page Yeah, that guy got you cyber stalking his girlfriend and him! The only reason why she keeps putting his business out their like that is to make you jealous! She knows that she can tell everyone about them and what they do, and you can't because if you begin to tell about what you do with HER man, it will look like you are either lying, or wanting what she has! She is right about one thing and that is you do what want what she has. But do you really? He is a liar, a very good one at that because his girlfriend believes that he is still her man, even when he cheats on her. Sweetie, don't you know that as soon as you started to accept him as a liar, he will then continue to lie? If he lies to her, then he will lie to you. Do you really want that? Is that the kind of man you want to raise a family with? Could you ever trust him? Now, I know its difficult to hear but I'm only telling you what I know to be true. I'm telling you this because I love you and care for you. You are like a sister to me and I can't stand by and watch you willingly play the fool for a man that don't love you or care enough for you to mow your yard when it needs mowing or kill yellow jackets in your yard! Has he ever done that for you? As a matter of fact, what has he ever done for you besides sexing you whenever you wanted? Nothing.
My dear, you have the power to overcome him and his deceitful lust that has you so bound to him. He will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. You need to put your foot down! STOP! NO MORE! As long as you continue to sleep with him, he will continue to be unfaithful and not just with you, but with anyone he makes a covenant with. I'm sorry to tell you this but it is in his nature. It is what he does. I mean he gave you all the signs, overly flirtatious, never making any solid plans to spend time with you, being secretive and telling you just enough to get you to stop asking questions. And he would always text you instead of calling you on the phone. What more do you need? Oh yeah, remember how you used to complain that every time he visits, he either wants to have sex or sleep and after he does either one, he is out the door? Wow, if that's not proof enough to kick this no name joker to the curb, I don't know what is. I bet he is not that way with her. With her he takes his time, stays a bit longer at her house, mows her yard and does anything and everything she needs done. He'll probably end up taking her to Jamaica, and where will you be? Enjoying their vacation through photos via facebook! Sure they may not see each other everyday but I'm sure he calls her everyday. How many times does he call you? Oh thats right, you have to send him a text that says "call me whenever you get a minute", then he will call you back whenever he is free, or in the bathroom away from his girlfriend!
I think its time you closed this chapter of you life and move on to something greater. You have wasted 3 years of your life waiting on him to love you. Stop waiting on some guy who will never love you right. While you are sitting at home waiting on him to call you and put you first, you could be spending time and cultivating healthy relationships with someone who really cares for you. So honey don't get mad about who he's spending his time with. Forget about that loser and move on! Only losers fellowship with other losers, and you my dear are a winner! As long as you keep waiting on him the best years of your life will be gone!
Do what is right and allow someone to come in your life to love you the way God wants you to be loved.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
The Lie That Nearly Killed Me
Dear Lover,
I am laying here in this hospital bed wondering how the hell I got here and how is it that you are not here by my side. Out of all the people that should be here, you should have been the first person I saw when I woke up. Instead, all I saw was a nurse. A nurse who looked at me with disdain and pity in her glares. She comes in here every morning shaking her head and sucking her teeth. She looks down on me. Its not what she says that makes me think this way, but in her body language and the way she looks at me. I'm afraid, I'm alone and I have no friends to comfort me. I guess I never realized that keeping this secret would mean that I would be here alone. But I thought you would be here. If I would have known then, what I know now, I might have told my parents about what's going on and maybe someone would be here for me. But knowing my parents, they would have never allowed me to do this! I should have never listened to you!
My mother would have told me to keep my baby. She would have told me that children are a gift from God, and that if I was unfit to raise it, then that gift should be given to someone who is more prepared! I know she would have said that! My parents would have never made me get an abortion! But you did! Because I loved you, I allowed you to basically run my life! Come to think of it, nothing I really done up until now was my idea! You ran everything! To an outsider looking in, I had the perfect man! All my friends were jealous that my parents would allow me to date a college boy! Little did they know that I never told my parents about you. I never told them about the times you hit me. I never told them I got pregnant either. I just wanted to be a good woman to you, I know I am young but you told me that I'm mature for my age.
When you told me that you weren't ready to be a parent I agreed to get this abortion for you. I just wanted to make you happy. You told me if I got an abortion that you would then marry me because now you see that I can get pregnant. You told me you wanted to do the right thing by me. But I guess that was all a lie! I almost died for you and you can't even come and see me and be with me? The doctor said if I would have lost just a pint more of blood, I would be dead! He said someone found me on a park bench bleeding and called 911. A park bench? How did I get there? You drove me to that clinic! Why did you leave me to die? I thought you loved me! I thought you cared for me, but it looks like all you care about is your scholarship! What about me?
I am laying here in this hospital bed wondering how the hell I got here and how is it that you are not here by my side. Out of all the people that should be here, you should have been the first person I saw when I woke up. Instead, all I saw was a nurse. A nurse who looked at me with disdain and pity in her glares. She comes in here every morning shaking her head and sucking her teeth. She looks down on me. Its not what she says that makes me think this way, but in her body language and the way she looks at me. I'm afraid, I'm alone and I have no friends to comfort me. I guess I never realized that keeping this secret would mean that I would be here alone. But I thought you would be here. If I would have known then, what I know now, I might have told my parents about what's going on and maybe someone would be here for me. But knowing my parents, they would have never allowed me to do this! I should have never listened to you!
My mother would have told me to keep my baby. She would have told me that children are a gift from God, and that if I was unfit to raise it, then that gift should be given to someone who is more prepared! I know she would have said that! My parents would have never made me get an abortion! But you did! Because I loved you, I allowed you to basically run my life! Come to think of it, nothing I really done up until now was my idea! You ran everything! To an outsider looking in, I had the perfect man! All my friends were jealous that my parents would allow me to date a college boy! Little did they know that I never told my parents about you. I never told them about the times you hit me. I never told them I got pregnant either. I just wanted to be a good woman to you, I know I am young but you told me that I'm mature for my age.
When you told me that you weren't ready to be a parent I agreed to get this abortion for you. I just wanted to make you happy. You told me if I got an abortion that you would then marry me because now you see that I can get pregnant. You told me you wanted to do the right thing by me. But I guess that was all a lie! I almost died for you and you can't even come and see me and be with me? The doctor said if I would have lost just a pint more of blood, I would be dead! He said someone found me on a park bench bleeding and called 911. A park bench? How did I get there? You drove me to that clinic! Why did you leave me to die? I thought you loved me! I thought you cared for me, but it looks like all you care about is your scholarship! What about me?
Saturday, July 30, 2011
So In Love
To my ex-husband,
Well, we did it. We finally got divorced. I can't say it was totally inevitable, but I will say things started to go down hill when you decided to play the lotto. At first, I thought it was just a innocent hobby, I mean lets be real, what person hasn't played the lotto at least once a week? But it became more of an obsession for you. You became secretive and hiding your tickets. You started buying $50 worth of tickets a week! But, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. You worked hard, held steadily three jobs (two of them were part-time). With both of us working during that time, we made time for one another when we could. It was okay until you started going to the casino with your uncle Riley. We thought he had so much money. He was the richest person we ever known, so it was natural to hang out with him to see how he got ahead. Who knew that your dear old uncle Riley was a thief, and what's worse, got you caught up in all of his mess! Talk about being in the family business! I think I may have lost about 40 pounds worrying about you being at those casinos all night! I cared about you and what happened to you. I even lied for you a couple of times to the creditors (or so I thought). Those "creditors" turned out to be loan sharks. What kind of man goes and gambles away his family's home? What kind of man goes out and sells his only transportation for money for slot machines and card games knowing that he may end up losing his job? Who in their right mind would do such a thing? And whats worse, what kind of wife was I to allow you to do it? I mean, I was right there with you sometimes! I even gave you my paycheck on a a promise that you made to repay me. Instead, you allowed me to write checks on accounts you said were valid but were not. Now, I'm the one serving time for check fraud!
Sometimes when I lay awake in my cell at night, I go over and over in my mind what I could have done different, but you know what? I can't say that I would have changed anything! I was so young when you and I got together. I barely knew you, yet I was so in love with you. You were everything I ever wanted-which wasn't very much judging by the way things turned out. I believed everything you told me because you were MY man! You were my husband and I thought we would grow old together and have many children. I was so In love with you. You were my everything, and whatever you wanted, I wanted it too. I was your Bonnie and you were my Clyde. For better or for worse, remember that? Those were the vows we took, and I held on to that even when all the legal trouble, the bad business deals, and the home foreclosing! I stood by you! Even when I was on trial, I defended you and took all the blame because I was so in love with you. Love is what I thought would see us threw. My fifteen year prison sentence is nothing if we loved one another, remember? You told me that! You made me believe that our love would last. For a while it did. You came to visit me, and bring me gifts! I loved it! I didn't mind being locked up if I knew you were doing well and being safe! But you stopped coming to see me. First it was every weekend, then it became every other weekend, then it was once a month. I finally called the number you gave me, and another woman answered the phone! At first I couldn't believe it, but when she said she was your wife, I was floored! LITERALLY! I was so devastated that you would take up with another woman while I'm serving time FOR YOU!! It was rough for a while, they put me in lock-up because I tried to kill myself! I just couldn't live with the thought of you out there free and loving someone else! It wasn't until I joined a bible study on my cell block and started going to the chapel, that I found God. I finally found the missing piece that I was searching for. Jesus saved me FOR REAL! He gave me the strength to live and it it by faith that I am writing this letter to you now! I just wanted to tell you that I will be getting out soon! The fifteen years have been reduced to five! Thank you Jesus! So, I will not try to contact you in any way! Thank you for sending those divorce papers though! That was the best thing you could have ever done for me.I am a free woman, and I have nobody to thank but my Lord and Savior Jesus!!
Well, we did it. We finally got divorced. I can't say it was totally inevitable, but I will say things started to go down hill when you decided to play the lotto. At first, I thought it was just a innocent hobby, I mean lets be real, what person hasn't played the lotto at least once a week? But it became more of an obsession for you. You became secretive and hiding your tickets. You started buying $50 worth of tickets a week! But, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. You worked hard, held steadily three jobs (two of them were part-time). With both of us working during that time, we made time for one another when we could. It was okay until you started going to the casino with your uncle Riley. We thought he had so much money. He was the richest person we ever known, so it was natural to hang out with him to see how he got ahead. Who knew that your dear old uncle Riley was a thief, and what's worse, got you caught up in all of his mess! Talk about being in the family business! I think I may have lost about 40 pounds worrying about you being at those casinos all night! I cared about you and what happened to you. I even lied for you a couple of times to the creditors (or so I thought). Those "creditors" turned out to be loan sharks. What kind of man goes and gambles away his family's home? What kind of man goes out and sells his only transportation for money for slot machines and card games knowing that he may end up losing his job? Who in their right mind would do such a thing? And whats worse, what kind of wife was I to allow you to do it? I mean, I was right there with you sometimes! I even gave you my paycheck on a a promise that you made to repay me. Instead, you allowed me to write checks on accounts you said were valid but were not. Now, I'm the one serving time for check fraud!
Sometimes when I lay awake in my cell at night, I go over and over in my mind what I could have done different, but you know what? I can't say that I would have changed anything! I was so young when you and I got together. I barely knew you, yet I was so in love with you. You were everything I ever wanted-which wasn't very much judging by the way things turned out. I believed everything you told me because you were MY man! You were my husband and I thought we would grow old together and have many children. I was so In love with you. You were my everything, and whatever you wanted, I wanted it too. I was your Bonnie and you were my Clyde. For better or for worse, remember that? Those were the vows we took, and I held on to that even when all the legal trouble, the bad business deals, and the home foreclosing! I stood by you! Even when I was on trial, I defended you and took all the blame because I was so in love with you. Love is what I thought would see us threw. My fifteen year prison sentence is nothing if we loved one another, remember? You told me that! You made me believe that our love would last. For a while it did. You came to visit me, and bring me gifts! I loved it! I didn't mind being locked up if I knew you were doing well and being safe! But you stopped coming to see me. First it was every weekend, then it became every other weekend, then it was once a month. I finally called the number you gave me, and another woman answered the phone! At first I couldn't believe it, but when she said she was your wife, I was floored! LITERALLY! I was so devastated that you would take up with another woman while I'm serving time FOR YOU!! It was rough for a while, they put me in lock-up because I tried to kill myself! I just couldn't live with the thought of you out there free and loving someone else! It wasn't until I joined a bible study on my cell block and started going to the chapel, that I found God. I finally found the missing piece that I was searching for. Jesus saved me FOR REAL! He gave me the strength to live and it it by faith that I am writing this letter to you now! I just wanted to tell you that I will be getting out soon! The fifteen years have been reduced to five! Thank you Jesus! So, I will not try to contact you in any way! Thank you for sending those divorce papers though! That was the best thing you could have ever done for me.I am a free woman, and I have nobody to thank but my Lord and Savior Jesus!!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Creepin' in Denial
To the Love of My Life,
Out of all the possible things that could have happened to me in my life, I never thought that HIV would be one of them. The shame, the humiliation, and the disappointment of this disease has left a whole in my heart no one can repair, and what's worse is that my own husband of 20 years infected me with it! You are the Vice President of Medical Research and Development for God's sake! How could you be so careless!? Oh did you think because you have access to tons of medication that you would somehow be immuned to contracting this disease? Did you even think about me at all when you where out philandering with whores and prostitutes? You disghust me! Oh, and to think that I allowed you to kiss me with that mouth! The same mouth you probably used to kiss male genitalia! Yeah I said it! Oh you didn't think that I knew about that did you? You are a waist of humanity! I thought because of your position in life that you were somehow different from the rest! That you were somehow set apart, but you are just like the gutter trash we see coming from the opera house. The homeless beggars that beg for change, by washing windows! You are no different. The only difference is the clothes you wear, and the shoes on your feet! Yeah you make millions of dollars, and live in fancy homes across the states, but your inner man is deceitful and utterly flawed! Now you have flawed me in the worst possible way a man can flaw a woman! You gave me an incurable disease and you lied to me on top of all that! You told me you loved me and only me! That was a lie because you loved many men and women! You told me that we would grow old together, which is also a lie because you are getting sicker and sicker by the day! You also told me that once you got your promotion, that we would begin a family of our own, but OBVIOUSLY that never happened because you fathered two children, which you claimed weren't yours, outside of our marriage. I should have left you then, but I loved you and decided to try and make it work, but that was 10 years ago! If anyone would have told me back then that I would be in the situation I am in now, I would not have believed them. That was just how foolishly in love withy you I was! But that was then, and now I must take ownership in my part for what has happened to me. I should have left you plenty of times before, but did not. When you put your hands on me, the first time while we were just dating, I should have left! When I caught you flirting with my cousin, I should have left! But no, I was blinded by the money, and the notoriety and the success! I was blinded by the houses, and the cars, and the clothes! I was blinded by my own greedy ambition of wanting to be Mrs. Fancy and Luxurious Living! I thought once I had the money, nothing could go wrong. I would be perfect! I was wrong! Instead, everything became ruined because of my denial of what was really going on. Now, my life is ruined and as much as I would like to keep blaiming you, I had some part in this tragedy too! They say that when one person begins to creep outside the relationship, the other person in the relationship is in denial. Man I sure learned a big lesson. When someone shows you who they are and you don't like what you see, keep it moving!
Out of all the possible things that could have happened to me in my life, I never thought that HIV would be one of them. The shame, the humiliation, and the disappointment of this disease has left a whole in my heart no one can repair, and what's worse is that my own husband of 20 years infected me with it! You are the Vice President of Medical Research and Development for God's sake! How could you be so careless!? Oh did you think because you have access to tons of medication that you would somehow be immuned to contracting this disease? Did you even think about me at all when you where out philandering with whores and prostitutes? You disghust me! Oh, and to think that I allowed you to kiss me with that mouth! The same mouth you probably used to kiss male genitalia! Yeah I said it! Oh you didn't think that I knew about that did you? You are a waist of humanity! I thought because of your position in life that you were somehow different from the rest! That you were somehow set apart, but you are just like the gutter trash we see coming from the opera house. The homeless beggars that beg for change, by washing windows! You are no different. The only difference is the clothes you wear, and the shoes on your feet! Yeah you make millions of dollars, and live in fancy homes across the states, but your inner man is deceitful and utterly flawed! Now you have flawed me in the worst possible way a man can flaw a woman! You gave me an incurable disease and you lied to me on top of all that! You told me you loved me and only me! That was a lie because you loved many men and women! You told me that we would grow old together, which is also a lie because you are getting sicker and sicker by the day! You also told me that once you got your promotion, that we would begin a family of our own, but OBVIOUSLY that never happened because you fathered two children, which you claimed weren't yours, outside of our marriage. I should have left you then, but I loved you and decided to try and make it work, but that was 10 years ago! If anyone would have told me back then that I would be in the situation I am in now, I would not have believed them. That was just how foolishly in love withy you I was! But that was then, and now I must take ownership in my part for what has happened to me. I should have left you plenty of times before, but did not. When you put your hands on me, the first time while we were just dating, I should have left! When I caught you flirting with my cousin, I should have left! But no, I was blinded by the money, and the notoriety and the success! I was blinded by the houses, and the cars, and the clothes! I was blinded by my own greedy ambition of wanting to be Mrs. Fancy and Luxurious Living! I thought once I had the money, nothing could go wrong. I would be perfect! I was wrong! Instead, everything became ruined because of my denial of what was really going on. Now, my life is ruined and as much as I would like to keep blaiming you, I had some part in this tragedy too! They say that when one person begins to creep outside the relationship, the other person in the relationship is in denial. Man I sure learned a big lesson. When someone shows you who they are and you don't like what you see, keep it moving!
Straight Trippin'
To My One and Only Love,
Wow! Time sure does fly fast. Its seems like just yesterday we had just graduated college and ready to explore all that the world has to offer. You, with your bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice, and I,with my Masters Degree in Physics. Do you remember the course load? INCREDIBLE! I'm still in shock that I actually finished. But you struggled too. You juggled being an All-American college football star, with long hours in the gym training, out-of-town games and such. Its amazing we both came out on top, but we did. WE MADE IT! We finally finished school. You know, looking back I remember thinking that if we stayed together through all of that, we could stay together through anything that life would bring us! But, I never expected we would change. I never expected you would change how you viewed me, respected me, and adored me.
Sweetie, what's really going on with you? Ever since you hurt your knee, and the association decided to draft Charlie as the number one draft pick, you have been acting strange. You no longer want to hang out with our friends anymore. You haven't been going to the gym, yet you eat like you are still in training. You have been steadily gaining weight, your hair is getting thinner, and you sleep all day! It has been 3 years! When are you going to get off your but and do something with your life? I feel like you are living in the past! You are still carrying around this disappointment from your professional football career, that never really happened! Sweetheart, I know they hurt you, I know they were supposed to chose you, BUT they didn't. Yes, your knee is fine now and if they would have just taken the chance and picked you, you would probably have given the team a great season! But honey, you have to face the facts that, that phase of your life is now over! Now is the time to move on to bigger and better things, you have a lot more to offer this society than just being a ball player! You just have to believe in yourself like I do.
Sweetie, I love you and I care about what happens to you and to be honest, your depression is filtering down upon me. You are starting to treat me different. If I go to the grocery store, you want to know who I talked to, and what did I get. When I go out with my friends, you want to know who the person is in the backseat, who is driving, and what time I will be back. God forbid I get back a little later than I intended! You practically have a tantrum! Babe, our relationship was NEVER like this. I never worried about who you were holding company with, and you used to never worry about that with me. I'm a grown woman, able to come and go as I please! What's worse, I have noticed you following me to work, making sure I got to the lab! Who does that??! You call the lab every hour on the hour! It has gotten so bad,that my boss has issued a new policy for phone calls and I have gotten reprimanded twice! Please,you have to stop doing this! You are trippin' on me for NO REASON! Stop coming up to my job causing a scene, talking about you want to see who my lab associates were. This is my place of business, not a place to put all our business out on front street! I have had enough of this out of you.
Why are you trippin' on me? I have never cheated on you or anything like that? Why are you treating me like this? By the way, I have noticed that some of my contacts, who just happen to be male associates of mine, have been deleted from my i-phone. Do I need to block you from using my phone? So, I guess all those times you asked to borrow my phone, you were reading my text messages and deleting my contacts! You know what, mother warned me of men like you! You have really changed. I have tried to stay around as long as I could but,this relationship has become too toxic for me right now. I think we need to separate for awhile. Just until you find a job, and get yourself together. You need to get your life back on track, and I think focusing on yourself will help you do that. From now on you do you and let me do me because you are trippin' hard!
Wow! Time sure does fly fast. Its seems like just yesterday we had just graduated college and ready to explore all that the world has to offer. You, with your bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice, and I,with my Masters Degree in Physics. Do you remember the course load? INCREDIBLE! I'm still in shock that I actually finished. But you struggled too. You juggled being an All-American college football star, with long hours in the gym training, out-of-town games and such. Its amazing we both came out on top, but we did. WE MADE IT! We finally finished school. You know, looking back I remember thinking that if we stayed together through all of that, we could stay together through anything that life would bring us! But, I never expected we would change. I never expected you would change how you viewed me, respected me, and adored me.
Sweetie, what's really going on with you? Ever since you hurt your knee, and the association decided to draft Charlie as the number one draft pick, you have been acting strange. You no longer want to hang out with our friends anymore. You haven't been going to the gym, yet you eat like you are still in training. You have been steadily gaining weight, your hair is getting thinner, and you sleep all day! It has been 3 years! When are you going to get off your but and do something with your life? I feel like you are living in the past! You are still carrying around this disappointment from your professional football career, that never really happened! Sweetheart, I know they hurt you, I know they were supposed to chose you, BUT they didn't. Yes, your knee is fine now and if they would have just taken the chance and picked you, you would probably have given the team a great season! But honey, you have to face the facts that, that phase of your life is now over! Now is the time to move on to bigger and better things, you have a lot more to offer this society than just being a ball player! You just have to believe in yourself like I do.
Sweetie, I love you and I care about what happens to you and to be honest, your depression is filtering down upon me. You are starting to treat me different. If I go to the grocery store, you want to know who I talked to, and what did I get. When I go out with my friends, you want to know who the person is in the backseat, who is driving, and what time I will be back. God forbid I get back a little later than I intended! You practically have a tantrum! Babe, our relationship was NEVER like this. I never worried about who you were holding company with, and you used to never worry about that with me. I'm a grown woman, able to come and go as I please! What's worse, I have noticed you following me to work, making sure I got to the lab! Who does that??! You call the lab every hour on the hour! It has gotten so bad,that my boss has issued a new policy for phone calls and I have gotten reprimanded twice! Please,you have to stop doing this! You are trippin' on me for NO REASON! Stop coming up to my job causing a scene, talking about you want to see who my lab associates were. This is my place of business, not a place to put all our business out on front street! I have had enough of this out of you.
Why are you trippin' on me? I have never cheated on you or anything like that? Why are you treating me like this? By the way, I have noticed that some of my contacts, who just happen to be male associates of mine, have been deleted from my i-phone. Do I need to block you from using my phone? So, I guess all those times you asked to borrow my phone, you were reading my text messages and deleting my contacts! You know what, mother warned me of men like you! You have really changed. I have tried to stay around as long as I could but,this relationship has become too toxic for me right now. I think we need to separate for awhile. Just until you find a job, and get yourself together. You need to get your life back on track, and I think focusing on yourself will help you do that. From now on you do you and let me do me because you are trippin' hard!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
A Mother's Tragedy
To my eldest son,
I used to look up to you, defend you when no one else would. When you got out of prison the first time, I looked out for you like only a mother could do. I gave you money and a place to stay until you got on your feet. When I needed you, you were there for me as only a child could for an ailing parent. You believed in me when I didn't believe in myself that I could overcome my illness, and I did. When you went to prison that first time, I wrote you every month because I knew that you needed someone to be there for you. You told me "Mama, I'm gonna do right this time! I'm gonna get a job and go to school so I can pay you back for all you did for me." You said you would be a better man. You said you were going to kick that nasty drug habit once you got out.
And for a while, when you got out you were doing really good. You did everything you promised and I was so proud of you. You started school and everything! It seemed like your life was finally getting on the right track. However, you started drinking with your college buddies, and just like clock work, things began to spiral down hill! Why you can't just be normal like everyone else? Why you gotta cause calamity and chaos with everything you touch!? I guess things were going too normal for you, that you had to go and ruin EVERYTHING! Ruin everyone's lives that loved you and believed in you. Why? When I allowed you to take my car, I never thought you would be so irresponsible that you would drive intoxicated while you were on probation and whats worse, have my baby boy in the car with you! Eleven years old is way too young to die! His life was cut short by YOU, his irresponsible older brother who should have known better! My mind is still reeling on how he ended up in the car with you in the first place!
You told me me you would change and make me proud of you. Tell me what did I do wrong? Did I not love you enough? Were you jealous of your baby brother because he had a seemingly better childhood than you? Is that why you make bad decisions for attention? Did you think I loved him more than you? Why? Why did you hurt me so bad! Its one thing to lose a child, but to lose a child at the hand of another one of your children is just horrific! You might as well have killed me instead because I hate living with this pain and guilt. My heart is so heavy with grief! Maybe its my fault for allowing you back into our home, but you are my son, and I thought I was doing what was best for you. Maybe I believed in you more than you believed in yourself, and gave you a lot more credit than you deserved. Either way, my children are gone! I am mourning two children for the price of one! You, my eldest son, locked away in prison. And my baby boy who is lying 6 feet deep in a grave where no 11year old child should be. Son, I love you but I think its time I let you live your own life now. Don't expect me to carry you as I did when you were a boy. Be the man your mama always wanted you to be okay son? No more costly mistakes When you get out this time, make the most of your freedom. I carried you for 71/2 months, bathed your naked tail! Fed you, and put clothes on your back! But you are making man decisions now, so I think its time for me to allow you to grow up and become a man ON YOUR OWN! Good Luck Son, and may God be with you!
I used to look up to you, defend you when no one else would. When you got out of prison the first time, I looked out for you like only a mother could do. I gave you money and a place to stay until you got on your feet. When I needed you, you were there for me as only a child could for an ailing parent. You believed in me when I didn't believe in myself that I could overcome my illness, and I did. When you went to prison that first time, I wrote you every month because I knew that you needed someone to be there for you. You told me "Mama, I'm gonna do right this time! I'm gonna get a job and go to school so I can pay you back for all you did for me." You said you would be a better man. You said you were going to kick that nasty drug habit once you got out.
And for a while, when you got out you were doing really good. You did everything you promised and I was so proud of you. You started school and everything! It seemed like your life was finally getting on the right track. However, you started drinking with your college buddies, and just like clock work, things began to spiral down hill! Why you can't just be normal like everyone else? Why you gotta cause calamity and chaos with everything you touch!? I guess things were going too normal for you, that you had to go and ruin EVERYTHING! Ruin everyone's lives that loved you and believed in you. Why? When I allowed you to take my car, I never thought you would be so irresponsible that you would drive intoxicated while you were on probation and whats worse, have my baby boy in the car with you! Eleven years old is way too young to die! His life was cut short by YOU, his irresponsible older brother who should have known better! My mind is still reeling on how he ended up in the car with you in the first place!
You told me me you would change and make me proud of you. Tell me what did I do wrong? Did I not love you enough? Were you jealous of your baby brother because he had a seemingly better childhood than you? Is that why you make bad decisions for attention? Did you think I loved him more than you? Why? Why did you hurt me so bad! Its one thing to lose a child, but to lose a child at the hand of another one of your children is just horrific! You might as well have killed me instead because I hate living with this pain and guilt. My heart is so heavy with grief! Maybe its my fault for allowing you back into our home, but you are my son, and I thought I was doing what was best for you. Maybe I believed in you more than you believed in yourself, and gave you a lot more credit than you deserved. Either way, my children are gone! I am mourning two children for the price of one! You, my eldest son, locked away in prison. And my baby boy who is lying 6 feet deep in a grave where no 11year old child should be. Son, I love you but I think its time I let you live your own life now. Don't expect me to carry you as I did when you were a boy. Be the man your mama always wanted you to be okay son? No more costly mistakes When you get out this time, make the most of your freedom. I carried you for 71/2 months, bathed your naked tail! Fed you, and put clothes on your back! But you are making man decisions now, so I think its time for me to allow you to grow up and become a man ON YOUR OWN! Good Luck Son, and may God be with you!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
The Break-Up
To My Dearest Darling,
First of all, let me just tell you that I love you, and I love the time we have shared together. Being with you has taught me so much and without your love and adoration, I don't think I would be where I am today. We have been through some rough times together, and that makes us more than just lovers, it makes us survival partners for life! Nothing and no one will ever take our memories on what we have endured together away from us.
With that said, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you that our time together as a couple has run its course. Its time we both moved on to bigger and better things. I know what you are feeling right now, and trust me, I have given this a lot of thought and I think that it's best for me to move on. Now, that I have graduated from college, I have a new found perspective on life and its time for me to go on and experience everything that life has to offer. I just can't see that with you in my life. You have changed babe, and it has not been for the better. Since you lost your job, you have been staying home all day, smoking weed and playing video games.
Every time I ask you to help me around the house, you either ignore me or through a tantrum, and run off in my car to your mom's house. I can't take this anymore! You are never around when I need you, yet you are always in need of me. I had to bail you out of jail for non-payment on your child support then ended up paying your child support just to keep you current! I tried helping you find a job, but you insist on working for yourself saying "I want to be my own boss, not work for the white man, making him rich!", which makes no sense because you are half white. You are always jumping on to these pyramid "get rich quick" schemes that just soak up all of my money. I even caught you trying to sell weed from my own car!
When you do find something you are good at, you never stick with it! To be honest, I am really tired of your double minded ways. At one point I thought we were on the fast track of getting married, but now I am glad we decided against it. You are unstable, and a woman like me need stability. One day you hot, the next day you are cold. Its exhausting! I love you, I do and I want to see you succeed and have the best life possible for you, but I just don't think that life is with me, because if I stay, I will only enable your dependency on me , and hinder my potential for growth.
So, when you get back from your mother's house, don't be alarmed to see that all of my things are gone, and my key to the apartment is on the table. I changed my phone number so don't bother calling me. I am leaving town, got a job up-state and I won't be coming back! Maybe with me gone, you can focus on getting your life together so the next woman won't have to suffer what I just went through. Just be a better man honey! Goodbye.
First of all, let me just tell you that I love you, and I love the time we have shared together. Being with you has taught me so much and without your love and adoration, I don't think I would be where I am today. We have been through some rough times together, and that makes us more than just lovers, it makes us survival partners for life! Nothing and no one will ever take our memories on what we have endured together away from us.
With that said, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you that our time together as a couple has run its course. Its time we both moved on to bigger and better things. I know what you are feeling right now, and trust me, I have given this a lot of thought and I think that it's best for me to move on. Now, that I have graduated from college, I have a new found perspective on life and its time for me to go on and experience everything that life has to offer. I just can't see that with you in my life. You have changed babe, and it has not been for the better. Since you lost your job, you have been staying home all day, smoking weed and playing video games.
Every time I ask you to help me around the house, you either ignore me or through a tantrum, and run off in my car to your mom's house. I can't take this anymore! You are never around when I need you, yet you are always in need of me. I had to bail you out of jail for non-payment on your child support then ended up paying your child support just to keep you current! I tried helping you find a job, but you insist on working for yourself saying "I want to be my own boss, not work for the white man, making him rich!", which makes no sense because you are half white. You are always jumping on to these pyramid "get rich quick" schemes that just soak up all of my money. I even caught you trying to sell weed from my own car!
When you do find something you are good at, you never stick with it! To be honest, I am really tired of your double minded ways. At one point I thought we were on the fast track of getting married, but now I am glad we decided against it. You are unstable, and a woman like me need stability. One day you hot, the next day you are cold. Its exhausting! I love you, I do and I want to see you succeed and have the best life possible for you, but I just don't think that life is with me, because if I stay, I will only enable your dependency on me , and hinder my potential for growth.
So, when you get back from your mother's house, don't be alarmed to see that all of my things are gone, and my key to the apartment is on the table. I changed my phone number so don't bother calling me. I am leaving town, got a job up-state and I won't be coming back! Maybe with me gone, you can focus on getting your life together so the next woman won't have to suffer what I just went through. Just be a better man honey! Goodbye.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The Abused
My Darling,
You have a life of fun and freedom, yet I am being locked away. I am being kept chained up at the bottom of the stairs in your basement. It is so lonely here! I am so alone in this dark empty space, with nothing to console me but my never ending sorrow and self pity. Sweat-soaked and badly bruised, I have no life of my own, just your company to look forward to whenever you do decide to come and visit me. The only times you do come down to see me is to have your way with me. Pleasure and pain have become so synonymous that I can no longer tell the difference!
Am I to waste away in these chains forever just for your amusement and satisfaction? At what point did it come to this, that I would settle for a life of bondage, casting away my own freedom? We used to love one another and go do things with each other. What went wrong? Did I cause this? When you bring friends over, I can hear them upstairs with all the parties, the laughter, everyone is having a good time. No one knows about me do they? Everyone on the outside is unaware of what is really going on in your home. You put on such a good show! People look up to you in the outside world, not knowing who you really are!
It does not matter to me anymore anyway! Its been so long since I have seen the outside world, that I can barely remember it. I have come to enjoy our time together, and have grown to look forward to it! Some how my body has confused my mind into believing this pain you inflict upon me is really pleasure! I want to be chained! I want to be whipped, beaten, battered, and bruised! Have your way with me as often as you please! It has now become the only way I feel loved! My bruised heart and body have both become scared by marks of passion! I once had wanted to be set free from these chains, but now these chains have become the only way I know you still care! Don't ever take your chains away from me! Now that my life is gone, I have now become comfortable living with the role I play in yours!
You have a life of fun and freedom, yet I am being locked away. I am being kept chained up at the bottom of the stairs in your basement. It is so lonely here! I am so alone in this dark empty space, with nothing to console me but my never ending sorrow and self pity. Sweat-soaked and badly bruised, I have no life of my own, just your company to look forward to whenever you do decide to come and visit me. The only times you do come down to see me is to have your way with me. Pleasure and pain have become so synonymous that I can no longer tell the difference!
Am I to waste away in these chains forever just for your amusement and satisfaction? At what point did it come to this, that I would settle for a life of bondage, casting away my own freedom? We used to love one another and go do things with each other. What went wrong? Did I cause this? When you bring friends over, I can hear them upstairs with all the parties, the laughter, everyone is having a good time. No one knows about me do they? Everyone on the outside is unaware of what is really going on in your home. You put on such a good show! People look up to you in the outside world, not knowing who you really are!
It does not matter to me anymore anyway! Its been so long since I have seen the outside world, that I can barely remember it. I have come to enjoy our time together, and have grown to look forward to it! Some how my body has confused my mind into believing this pain you inflict upon me is really pleasure! I want to be chained! I want to be whipped, beaten, battered, and bruised! Have your way with me as often as you please! It has now become the only way I feel loved! My bruised heart and body have both become scared by marks of passion! I once had wanted to be set free from these chains, but now these chains have become the only way I know you still care! Don't ever take your chains away from me! Now that my life is gone, I have now become comfortable living with the role I play in yours!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The Text Message
Boo,
I am actually starting to gain strength away from you. I feel as though my heart has finally made up my mind not to give into your deceitful destruction of the integrity of your own self. I can no longer be a partaker of such lavish behavior anymore. The mental bond you have over me, I can feel it being released from the chalices of my heart. I'm moving on! Slowly but surely!
With that said, I will no longer answer your text messages. If I am not important enough to hear your voice, then I will not continue to waist my time. If you cannot call me, then do not text me!I am sure you call HER every morning just to hear HER voice! But you do not want to hear mine? Why? Oh I know, maybe its a lot easier to lie through a text message about your whereabouts and who's holding company with you. You say "No need to lie to you, boo!" as if lying would indicate caring more for someone. Yeah, I can see how in your twisted mind that would make sense. However, in reality, lying only benefits you, not the beloved "someone". Eventually (as with any lie) the truth always finds its way to the one that is meant to hear it!
But I am sure you are clever and will figure out a way to disprove the truth, right? Maybe its the photos you had me to send to you. Are you going to use those against me? I knew I never should have sent you those naked photos of myself to you, especially through the phone! What the hell was I thinking?? If you still have them please, PLEASE DELETE THEM!! I can only imagine you and only God knows who else looking at them and laughing! But, it isn't any one's fault but my own. You want to know the saddest part? You aren't the only guy I've sent naked photos to!
I am actually starting to gain strength away from you. I feel as though my heart has finally made up my mind not to give into your deceitful destruction of the integrity of your own self. I can no longer be a partaker of such lavish behavior anymore. The mental bond you have over me, I can feel it being released from the chalices of my heart. I'm moving on! Slowly but surely!
With that said, I will no longer answer your text messages. If I am not important enough to hear your voice, then I will not continue to waist my time. If you cannot call me, then do not text me!I am sure you call HER every morning just to hear HER voice! But you do not want to hear mine? Why? Oh I know, maybe its a lot easier to lie through a text message about your whereabouts and who's holding company with you. You say "No need to lie to you, boo!" as if lying would indicate caring more for someone. Yeah, I can see how in your twisted mind that would make sense. However, in reality, lying only benefits you, not the beloved "someone". Eventually (as with any lie) the truth always finds its way to the one that is meant to hear it!
But I am sure you are clever and will figure out a way to disprove the truth, right? Maybe its the photos you had me to send to you. Are you going to use those against me? I knew I never should have sent you those naked photos of myself to you, especially through the phone! What the hell was I thinking?? If you still have them please, PLEASE DELETE THEM!! I can only imagine you and only God knows who else looking at them and laughing! But, it isn't any one's fault but my own. You want to know the saddest part? You aren't the only guy I've sent naked photos to!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Sugar Mama
My Man,
You are the most loving and caring man imaginable. I don't think I could do this thing on my own. I have three jobs, a house note, and a car note and if it had not been for you I don't think I would ever be able to do it. When I am at work, you watch the kids, and help out around the house and I thank you for that. However, I'm tired. Totally exhausted with working all the long hours. When are you going to get a job so you can help out with the bills? I know right now the jobs are few and far between, but something, anything will do. Soon as I get home from work you dip out with my car and you never tell me where you are going. All I ask is that you be back in time for me to go to work, and you don't even do that. I've had to call in several times because you would not pick up your phone when I called you to bring the car back. What kind of mess is that? I'm the ONLY one that's working trying to take care of us and you don't even care enough to make sure I get to work on time??? Remember, I am the one that pays your phone bill, buy you clothes, and bought rims for your car, that conveniently broke down as soon as I bought my brand new Mercedes Benz. What happened to that job with your brother making $15 dollars an hour? You said you needed $200 dollars to by a suit, but you never started the job. Which reminds me, I never seen the suit either! I'm so tired of your lies. If it is not one thing, it is another. You say, "Hey babe, I need a hair cut, spot me $20." or "Hey Boo, Tasha tripping! I need $300 dollars for my child support or she gonna call the cops!" Seriously?? I am so tired of having to pay your child support for you. You need to get it together. I can't help but feel a little responsible because I allow you to do this. I allow you to live off me, and my kids money! Hell, I even bought you a pair of shoes with my own kid's child support money! That should tell you how much I really do love you. But I guess my love is not enough for you, because you still go out and spend the night at your baby mama's house, and hanging out all night with your cousins. I guess I put up with it because I am afraid that once you start to be independent from me, that you will eventually see that you don't need me anymore! I guess I am afraid of losing you because I'd rather have somebody than nobody at all! I know what it's like to be lonely because that's how I felt when my kid's father left me. I did everything for him and he still left me once he found a job and got his own place to stay. And he never paid me back for any of it! But now I am tired. Being with you has showed me that I keep falling in the same trap over and over again, and that I have a really high tolerance for bullshit! I've reached my limit! Play time is over, I can't keep stealing from my kids to feed you, and I don't need the stress of worrying about where you are! I'm not your mama I'm your woman, and if you want to continue to play the child, then I'm sorry but I can't afford to keep ya!
You are the most loving and caring man imaginable. I don't think I could do this thing on my own. I have three jobs, a house note, and a car note and if it had not been for you I don't think I would ever be able to do it. When I am at work, you watch the kids, and help out around the house and I thank you for that. However, I'm tired. Totally exhausted with working all the long hours. When are you going to get a job so you can help out with the bills? I know right now the jobs are few and far between, but something, anything will do. Soon as I get home from work you dip out with my car and you never tell me where you are going. All I ask is that you be back in time for me to go to work, and you don't even do that. I've had to call in several times because you would not pick up your phone when I called you to bring the car back. What kind of mess is that? I'm the ONLY one that's working trying to take care of us and you don't even care enough to make sure I get to work on time??? Remember, I am the one that pays your phone bill, buy you clothes, and bought rims for your car, that conveniently broke down as soon as I bought my brand new Mercedes Benz. What happened to that job with your brother making $15 dollars an hour? You said you needed $200 dollars to by a suit, but you never started the job. Which reminds me, I never seen the suit either! I'm so tired of your lies. If it is not one thing, it is another. You say, "Hey babe, I need a hair cut, spot me $20." or "Hey Boo, Tasha tripping! I need $300 dollars for my child support or she gonna call the cops!" Seriously?? I am so tired of having to pay your child support for you. You need to get it together. I can't help but feel a little responsible because I allow you to do this. I allow you to live off me, and my kids money! Hell, I even bought you a pair of shoes with my own kid's child support money! That should tell you how much I really do love you. But I guess my love is not enough for you, because you still go out and spend the night at your baby mama's house, and hanging out all night with your cousins. I guess I put up with it because I am afraid that once you start to be independent from me, that you will eventually see that you don't need me anymore! I guess I am afraid of losing you because I'd rather have somebody than nobody at all! I know what it's like to be lonely because that's how I felt when my kid's father left me. I did everything for him and he still left me once he found a job and got his own place to stay. And he never paid me back for any of it! But now I am tired. Being with you has showed me that I keep falling in the same trap over and over again, and that I have a really high tolerance for bullshit! I've reached my limit! Play time is over, I can't keep stealing from my kids to feed you, and I don't need the stress of worrying about where you are! I'm not your mama I'm your woman, and if you want to continue to play the child, then I'm sorry but I can't afford to keep ya!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
The Pastor's Wife
Husband,
I can't believe this!? What in the HELL were you thinking?? Oh you thought I wouldn't find out when they evicted our ministry from the building we held dear? Did you not think I would find out when the cops pulled me over and asked me to get out of MY CAR and have me get my belonging from the car on a busy intersection where EVERYONE I KNOW can see me get my car repossessed while I'm driving it?? Really??? Or, did you not think I would find out when they put chains on the doors of our home, with a note tied around the lock saying and I quote "Pay Up Pastor!"!!??? This is our home that you told me we own! How could you not have told me the truth?! How is that any way for a woman of God to live?? My reputation is ruined! My credentials as a Minister of the Gospel is ruined! How could you not have told me what was going on?! Did you not think that had I would have known maybe I could have helped you fix this mess before it got to this!? What were you thinking?? You say you love me but is this how you show love to your life partner? That when the going gets tough, leave them with the humiliation and the bills..right?? I thought you were a man of God. Why would you skip town and desert me? I can't help but think this was your plan all along. Is this what ministry is all about? If so, I want no part of this!
I was fine all by myself just being a member of my family church when you met me. You told me you loved me and that God had a plan for my life, and that we together would change the World. When I fell in love with your vision, I fell in love with you. You had so much passion and desire to please God, I just wanted to share that and be apart of that with you. What happened? Where did we fall short of God's glory and start to seek our own? What did I do? I never told you but there have been rumors about you sleeping with members of the congregation, but I stood by you! I never once doubted MY HUSBAND! When people were saying horrible things to you, when nobody had your back, I HAD YOUR BACK! It was me! I stood up for you, and took the brunt of all their frustration!! ME! But now, my heart is broken and it feels as though someone picked up a jagged knife and stabbed me in the back so deep it punctured my heart!! Yes, I am angry! Yes, I am confused, Yes, I feel abused, but most of all, I am hurt!
But one thing for sure, as God is my witness, as He was before when I first met you, I will survive! Believe it or not, you aren't the first imp to try an and steal my joy and life from God, and you won't be the last, but let it be known to the next imp and no-name joker who tries to step between me and God, he has a fight on his hands. Sweetie, If you have taught me anything from this drama you put me through, you have taught me that I am an OVER-COMER because I over came YOU! Only To God Be The Glory!! YES!
I can't believe this!? What in the HELL were you thinking?? Oh you thought I wouldn't find out when they evicted our ministry from the building we held dear? Did you not think I would find out when the cops pulled me over and asked me to get out of MY CAR and have me get my belonging from the car on a busy intersection where EVERYONE I KNOW can see me get my car repossessed while I'm driving it?? Really??? Or, did you not think I would find out when they put chains on the doors of our home, with a note tied around the lock saying and I quote "Pay Up Pastor!"!!??? This is our home that you told me we own! How could you not have told me the truth?! How is that any way for a woman of God to live?? My reputation is ruined! My credentials as a Minister of the Gospel is ruined! How could you not have told me what was going on?! Did you not think that had I would have known maybe I could have helped you fix this mess before it got to this!? What were you thinking?? You say you love me but is this how you show love to your life partner? That when the going gets tough, leave them with the humiliation and the bills..right?? I thought you were a man of God. Why would you skip town and desert me? I can't help but think this was your plan all along. Is this what ministry is all about? If so, I want no part of this!
I was fine all by myself just being a member of my family church when you met me. You told me you loved me and that God had a plan for my life, and that we together would change the World. When I fell in love with your vision, I fell in love with you. You had so much passion and desire to please God, I just wanted to share that and be apart of that with you. What happened? Where did we fall short of God's glory and start to seek our own? What did I do? I never told you but there have been rumors about you sleeping with members of the congregation, but I stood by you! I never once doubted MY HUSBAND! When people were saying horrible things to you, when nobody had your back, I HAD YOUR BACK! It was me! I stood up for you, and took the brunt of all their frustration!! ME! But now, my heart is broken and it feels as though someone picked up a jagged knife and stabbed me in the back so deep it punctured my heart!! Yes, I am angry! Yes, I am confused, Yes, I feel abused, but most of all, I am hurt!
But one thing for sure, as God is my witness, as He was before when I first met you, I will survive! Believe it or not, you aren't the first imp to try an and steal my joy and life from God, and you won't be the last, but let it be known to the next imp and no-name joker who tries to step between me and God, he has a fight on his hands. Sweetie, If you have taught me anything from this drama you put me through, you have taught me that I am an OVER-COMER because I over came YOU! Only To God Be The Glory!! YES!
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