Dear Lord,
Damn. If you would have told me that I would have died like this (drowning butt naked in my own bath water) 25 years ago, then maybe I would have made some better choices with my life. Well, for one, I would never have started using drugs, smoking dope and snorting cocaine. You know, its funny how people always blamed Ricky for my drug habit but I started using drugs long before I met him. Hell, if it wasn't for the dope, he and I would have never met. Ricky and I had the same dope pusher, Greg. We would frequent the same Hollywood after-parties and that's when the fun started! The after party was originally coined after the Award Show's official party because there were no drugs being had there. So, usually we "Celebrities" and " Superstars" would meet up at someone's mansion and throw down on some cocaine, marijuana, etc. I was 16 when I did my first line of coke and Ricky was no where to be found! I don't think he was even born yet!
Ricky, like me, was also an entertainer but he sold himself in the industry as a bad boy! He was a true rebel. He was a member of a boy band and got kicked out after they decided not to make him the lead singer. Instead he went solo and made a few hit songs. Me? I was under contract. I did my dirt in the dark. The record company fostered my image. A young fresh-faced beauty who could melt your heart with just one octave. I could sing! I had raw talent and I knew how to work a crowd! But my managers had such a tight leash on me that I was never allowed to express myself freely EXCEPT on stage! I loved every minute of it! It used to be so much fun! But I think I came up in this type of industry too young-plucked right out of my church choir at the age of 14. My manager back then said that with a little pruning, I could easily become one of the greats and he was right!
I never knew how much of an impact I had on the music industry as a whole. I was 19 and I had just released my first album. I was too young to realize the legacy I was creating for many artists to come. Besides, I wasn't trying to leave a legacy. I just wanted to sing! I was just having some fun. Being on stage was so much fun and such a thrill, I wanted to feel that way all the time! Cocaine and alcohol did that for me. I Overdosed for the first time right after I won my first Grammy. The record company put a spin on it and leaked a fake story that I was pregnant and had lost the baby. After that, I had a heart to heart talk with my mother and a few close friends and decided to cool it for a while. I didn't quit my drug habit, I just cut back on how many lines I snorted before every performance. Lord, if I knew then what I know now!
Music was my life and it kept me young. But there is only so much you can do to this body before it gives out on you. My spirit was young and vibrant but my body was old because of the wear and tear I put on it because of the drugs and heavy smoking and drinking. I was in my 40s when I took my last breath, but I looked 60. When I stepped out of my body, I saw myself as everyone else saw me and I felt anger growing inside me for the last time. It was only by the grace of you Lord that I survived that long.
Oh well, my life is over now. I've made some decisions that I can't take back. But Lord, if you were to grant me one wish, I promise you I wouldn't waste it like I wasted my vessel of life. My wish is for every one who ever had a dream or a purpose and had lost their way to pray. Pray for the courage to stand in temptation. Pray for the will to overcome the lusts and the sins of this world. Pray for the ones that have, and the ones that have not. Pray for redemption from past hurts and pains. I want them to look at how I lived and died! Know that no matter how gifted or talented they may be, at some point it will all fade away and when it does, I hope that they have the presence of mind to recognize that the only thing that matters is the faith they have in God to see them through their darkest hour. I believe it and I know it to be true now!
For me it is over but for everyone that is living and breathing, there is still hope! Even now after death, as news of my untimely demise spreads and my life's work is being played on every network station and radio station across the world, I feel nothing. I don't feel pride. I don't feel joy. I don't feel sadness. I don't feel anything at all. I only wish.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Love Don't Pay The Bills
Dear Friend-Girl,
So what if I get a man to pay my bills and get them to keep me looking good. I deserve it! I work a 9 to 5 job! I work hard for what I got! I don't see anything wrong for getting someone else to pay for the extra things a woman like me need and deserve to have. Don't get mad at me because you are too dumb to think of doing it yourself.
Listen you can call it what you want either it be prostitution, high priced call-girl, mail order bride, WHATEVER! The only reason you say those things is because you got a man living in your house eating your food and not contributing to anything. He don't help you pay rent or utilities, he always got your car and brings it back on empty and he never helps around the house like mowing the yard.
Every time we talk you always say how you don't have any money for this and that! I tried to call you the other day so we can go get our nails and hair done. Instead of going out and having girl time, you told me you couldn't go because you spent all of your money getting your car fixed!! Uh, don't you have a man for that?
Nah. If it was me, he would have been sitting on the curb with his little back pack of belongings waiting on traffic a long time ago!
A woman like me knows how to get what she need without having to lift a finger. You have to know how to use what you got to get what you need in this life sweetie. All of this equality stuff is just another ploy to keep you wanting and broke.
A man is suppose to pay for EVERYTHING! Its his sole purpose in life. It is what he was designed for. Any man won't is no man at all. A man's desire is to have a beautiful woman on his arm and he will stop at nothing to get it. A real man understand his role in this and is willing to contribute. If he wants you to have bigger breasts or a bigger booty and a small waist then he should pay for the gym membership or pay for the appointment at the surgeon's office!
If he is looking to get some loving, then that doesn't come cheap either. A woman is going to need a new bed to live out all of his freaky little fantasies right? And if she is going to have a new bed then it need to come in a new house! So you can say what you want about me! I'm not the one looking broke busted and disgusted for the sake of love! Love don't pay the bills honey!
If you knew any better you would feel the same way I do and kick that lame ass good for nothing boy toy out of your house and get you a real man. Get you somebody that can take care of you financially so you don't have to worry about the small stuff! I'm Just Saying!
So what if I get a man to pay my bills and get them to keep me looking good. I deserve it! I work a 9 to 5 job! I work hard for what I got! I don't see anything wrong for getting someone else to pay for the extra things a woman like me need and deserve to have. Don't get mad at me because you are too dumb to think of doing it yourself.
Listen you can call it what you want either it be prostitution, high priced call-girl, mail order bride, WHATEVER! The only reason you say those things is because you got a man living in your house eating your food and not contributing to anything. He don't help you pay rent or utilities, he always got your car and brings it back on empty and he never helps around the house like mowing the yard.
Every time we talk you always say how you don't have any money for this and that! I tried to call you the other day so we can go get our nails and hair done. Instead of going out and having girl time, you told me you couldn't go because you spent all of your money getting your car fixed!! Uh, don't you have a man for that?
Nah. If it was me, he would have been sitting on the curb with his little back pack of belongings waiting on traffic a long time ago!
A woman like me knows how to get what she need without having to lift a finger. You have to know how to use what you got to get what you need in this life sweetie. All of this equality stuff is just another ploy to keep you wanting and broke.
A man is suppose to pay for EVERYTHING! Its his sole purpose in life. It is what he was designed for. Any man won't is no man at all. A man's desire is to have a beautiful woman on his arm and he will stop at nothing to get it. A real man understand his role in this and is willing to contribute. If he wants you to have bigger breasts or a bigger booty and a small waist then he should pay for the gym membership or pay for the appointment at the surgeon's office!
If he is looking to get some loving, then that doesn't come cheap either. A woman is going to need a new bed to live out all of his freaky little fantasies right? And if she is going to have a new bed then it need to come in a new house! So you can say what you want about me! I'm not the one looking broke busted and disgusted for the sake of love! Love don't pay the bills honey!
If you knew any better you would feel the same way I do and kick that lame ass good for nothing boy toy out of your house and get you a real man. Get you somebody that can take care of you financially so you don't have to worry about the small stuff! I'm Just Saying!
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