Dear Lover,
You have seen me grow in the department from a Correctional Officer to Warden of an institution. I am where I am because of you. We have kept our relationship a secret for a while now. Nobody would have ever believed you and I were in love. I would have never been this ambitious if it were not for our relationship. Do you remember when we first met? You had been in a fight on the recreation yard, and my Captain had asked me to take photos of your cuts and bruises.
During that time of my life I was going through a tough time at home. My husband had left me for another man, and my dog had gotten ran over by my next door neighbor. I was feeling really lonely. I was new on the job; therefore, nobody talked to me. My fellow officers wrote me off as just another newbie. They would not invite me to shift parties or asked me to participate in any of their social events outside of work. In fact, I never had one single person on my shift that cared about me. I was alone and depressed with no one to talk to. I felt alienated by everyone. I never told anyone that I had thoughts of suicide after I found my husband in bed with my neighbor, (the same neighbor that killed my dog!). So the day I met you, I had already decided to end my life. I was going to jump off the sky way bridge after work but in a way, your fight on the recreation yard saved me.
You saved me. In all that you were going through, you said, “How is it that someone as, beautiful as you find themselves working here, at a place like this….If you were my wife, I would want you safe.” Safe. Out of all the people in my life, it was a battered and abused inmate that was concerned about my safety. My husband wasn’t very concerned about my safety. My fellow officers were not concerned about me at all. In fact, when the fight broke out, most of the officers were huddled up under the pavilion, probably laughing and making fun of me, like always. Who could blame them?
I was about a hundred pounds overweight and had a problem with facial hair. I had problems with my thyroid which caused my hormones to fluctuate out of control which caused the unwanted hair on my face. I wasn’t very athletic, so whenever I did any walking, I sweat a lot. So, I could hear their snickering and grinning as I walked by. There was one officer in particular that would just always belittle me. I could hear him say “Shhhh….Here comes Officer Sasquatch!!! Damn she has full beard!! “, whenever I walked anywhere he and other officers were congregating. A roar of laughter would ensue. I would just make like I did not hear them. I did not feel there was any point in arguing.
I had it rough, but the day we met meant the most. Your words meant everything to me. I felt special. I felt beautiful. I felt like someone finally saw me for the first time. I thought maybe my life was not that bad. Maybe I do have something to offer this world. Your words were EVERYTHING at that moment.
After your stint in confinement, they moved you to the dorm I was assigned to. I hoped you had remembered me. It had been three months since we had seen each other. When I saw you during master roster count, my heart had fluttered thinking that you would have something nice to say to me. During that time in my life, I was going through a divorce. The court proceedings were taxing and stressful, and I was looking for something to take my mind of things. Of course I could have started drinking excessively to drown out my misery. Lord knows I tried. It only made me more depressed. So, you can see how the very sight of you was most comforting. When we made eye contact, you smiled, said your Last Name, DC Number and Bunk Number. Of course I smiled back. As I went to the next inmate’s bunk, I could feel you follow me with your eyes. So, I look back to see if you were still watching, but just a quick glance. You were watching and our eyes met, and you winked at me! That was when I knew my life would never be the same again. I was in love with an Inmate.
Throughout my years of matriculation through the department, we communicated off and on. I knew that in order to see you more, I had to be in the right position. I never wanted to make rank, but if I had to pick a favorite, I would choose Shift Captain. As the Shift Captain, I had the control of the facility. I could order officers to have inmates sent to me for investigative purposes. Sometimes I would do this on a whim, but mostly it was to set a standard of normalcy so that when we met, our movements would not seem suspicious to other staff. I chose staff I knew were dirty. For instance, whenever someone one would complain about staff members, I had the staff member that made the complaint sent to another shift or institution, citing hostility in the workplace. Then, I would put the dirty staff member as one of my closest confidants. Once I got all the snitches off my staff, our relationship became easy. My lead sergeant was bringing in large amounts of marijuana and Cocaine. Two of his yard officers were screwing inmates in laundry rooms. So, as long as I had other folks running schemes, no one was really concerned with what I was doing. They didn’t know, but I sure as hell made sure I knew what they were doing. If I got caught, I would have something to bargain with.
I treated you like a king. You got everything you ever wanted. I brought in Cell Phones so we could communicate. I put money in your inmate trust fund account. I even sent money to the mother of your children whenever they needed anything. I was a good woman to you. I made sure you were always housed in a single cell, and made sure you got to do the job you wanted to do. You liked working in the kitchen so you could make your own food to take back to the dorm to eat. No one could say you were treated wrong. You did what you wanted to do whenever you wanted to do it. I wanted you to feel special the way you made me feel special.
You were my rock. I was so excited and overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant with the man of my dreams’ baby. I remember the day when I told you I was pregnant. You were working as a recreation yard orderly which meant you were the last to come off the recreation yard. I waited for you just so I could tell you the good news. I thought you would be excited. But all you did was walk away.
The next day, you put in for a transfer, and you and I had not communicated in 3 Years. By then I had promoted again but not by merit. I had to sleep with the Warden at the time to become his second in command. But I did it all for you. I knew where you were and I always kept tabs on you. I figured you needed your space. I knew you would come to your senses again. I waited until the Warden position was open at the facility you were in, and applied. I got turned down a few times before I got it. I knew once you knew of my new role as Warden, we would then get married and since I was now the Warden all your transfers had to be signed off on by me.
But that dream faded. Turns out, one of the officers at the previous facility I had worked was arrested for selling dope and decided to talk and my name came up. So they put a spy at my institution or at least that was what the Inspector told me when they arrested me yesterday. I knew they did not have anything on me because I was so careful or so I thought. Then they let me read the witness statement you wrote about our relationship. You told them that you were being harassed and that I made you get me pregnant. You said I threatened to have other inmates beat you if you did not give me what I wanted. You also got your children’s mothers to write statements saying I was harassing them by sending gifts and money. I thought we were in love, why would I threaten you or the people you love? Why would I put my job, my career on the line if it were not all for you? You told me you loved me. I can forgive you if you were just upset about the baby. But I was not going to get an abortion. By the way, when did you get married? You never told me you had a wife? I thought you and I were going to get married. That was the whole reason I came to this prison was to be near you and raise our baby together. Of course I could never bring the baby to see you. But I sent you pictures. Instead you used those pictures as evidence of my obsession with you. I would have never thought you would turn on me like this. You said I was special. You said you loved me and wanted to marry me. My heart sank when I learned your true intentions. I thought they were all lies. I can forgive you if you were coerced.
The inspector told me that you wanted to get closer to home so your parents and wife and children could visit you. So you decided to turn me in as if we did not have a real relationship! He made it seem like our love was wrong. He says they are pushing to prosecute me under the P.R.E.A. (Prison Rape Elimination Act) Rule. They are saying I raped you because I had constituted authority over you. So, I would have to register as a sex offender for the rest of my life! You turned me into a sex offender? How did I get here?
I know how! They told us in the Officer’s Academy about getting involved with inmates and warned us on this very situation, yet I never thought it would happen to me. I allowed my needing to be loved and fear of loneliness to cloud my judgment. Also, being alienated by fellow staff members only pushed me into the wrong direction because I was weak and reveled in self pity and low self esteem. As I become aware of what I am really facing, I am realizing that you never really loved me. You were using me just to get what you wanted. You played me for a Duck!
So, I guess the joke is really on me since I now have a child to care for and no job, no pension, no benefits and facing prison time, labeled as a sex offender. My parents disowned me. Ironically, I am lonelier now than when I first met you. I can only hope that my life experience be a testament to others who are seeking love in all the wrong places. DO NOT DO IT, BECAUSE IT IS NOT WORTH IT.
