A Mother's Tragedy

To my eldest son,
I used to look up to you, defend you when no one else would. When you got out of prison the first time, I looked out for you like only a mother could do. I gave you money and a place to stay until you got on your feet. When I needed you, you were there for me as only a child could for an ailing parent. You believed in me when I didn't believe in myself that I could overcome my illness, and I did. When you went to prison that first time, I wrote you every month because I knew that you needed someone to be there for you. You told me "Mama, I'm gonna do right this time! I'm gonna get a job and go to school so I can pay you back for all you did for me." You said you would be a better man. You said you were going to kick that nasty drug habit once you got out.
And for a while, when you got out you were doing really good. You did everything you promised and I was so proud of you. You started school and everything! It seemed like your life was finally getting on the right track. However, you started drinking with your college buddies, and just like clock work, things began to spiral down hill! Why you can't just be normal like everyone else? Why you gotta cause calamity and chaos with everything you touch!? I guess things were going too normal for you, that you had to go and ruin EVERYTHING! Ruin everyone's lives that loved you and believed in you. Why? When I allowed you to take my car, I never thought you would be so irresponsible that you would drive intoxicated while you were on probation and whats worse, have my baby boy in the car with you! Eleven years old is way too young to die! His life was cut short by YOU, his irresponsible older brother who should have known better! My mind is still reeling on how he ended up in the car with you in the first place!
You told me me you would change and make me proud of you. Tell me what did I do wrong? Did I not love you enough? Were you jealous of your baby brother because he had a seemingly better childhood than you? Is that why you make bad decisions for attention? Did you think I loved him more than you? Why? Why did you hurt me so bad! Its one thing to lose a child, but to lose a child at the hand of another one of your children is just horrific! You might as well have killed me instead because I hate living with this pain and guilt. My heart is so heavy with grief! Maybe its my fault for allowing you back into our home, but you are my son, and I thought I was doing what was best for you. Maybe I believed in you more than you believed in yourself, and gave you a lot more credit than you deserved. Either way, my children are gone! I am mourning two children for the price of one! You, my eldest son, locked away in prison. And my baby boy who is lying 6 feet deep in a grave where no 11year old child should be. Son, I love you but I think its time I let you live your own life now. Don't expect me to carry you as I did when you were a boy. Be the man your mama always wanted you to be okay son? No more costly mistakes When you get out this time, make the most of your freedom. I carried you for 71/2 months, bathed your naked tail! Fed you, and put clothes on your back! But you are making man decisions now, so I think its time for me to allow you to grow up and become a man ON YOUR OWN!  Good Luck Son, and may God be with you!