Monday, November 25, 2013
Having My Reasons: A Letter To My Recently Betrothed
Before you judge me please know that I had my reasons to do what I have done and take full responsibility for the wrong I have done against you. What I hope to gain by writing you this letter is for you to understand why I chose to do the things that I have done. First of all, when we met six years ago I was in a different place mentally. I lived foolishly and was very selfish. Love was a foreign concept I had yet to grasp. I think that had a lot to do with how I was brought up. My mother was one of those women who had to have a man in her life. She believed that a woman should never be living alone. Unfortunately for me the men she chose were always drunks and liars and she did not care who he was so long as he had a job, a car, and place for us to live. My mother and I moved around a lot when I was a child and it was not until I reached senior year in high school that she decided to settle down somewhere. During that time there was very little time to form friendships and other types of bonds with other kids at my age. She thought I needed a father even though I never knew my real father and I don't think my mother really knew who fathered me either. The only name on my birth certificate was hers and when asked about my father the story would be the same. She met a guy at a bar, brought him home and boom...I was born. I am sure there was much more to it than that, but my mother was never much for giving specifics (she was always out partying so she vaguely remembers her past).
We moved around a lot because every guy she met would sell her this dream of settling down and for a while she would be happy, until they would start to beat on her. I always wondered why every guy she dated would do that. The only times she would leave is when they would beat me. She always said " They can do what they want to me, but if they hurt you, the relationship is over!"..She would tell me that after I would run crying to her after she would get beat! And just like clock work, after they would get tired of her, they would move to me, and then we would move away and the cycle would continue. Well, it wasn't until my grandmother died, and left the her house to my mom that we settled down. by then, I was already a senior in high school. That was the last time we moved and after that, my mother never let a man in our home again.
When it came to relationships I never really committed for more that six months. I would get bored and look for someone new. Moving on was normal for me because it was how I was raised. I loved meeting new people which was my motto I lived by and I never committed to any guy I have dated. I was a floater and I enjoyed it. I had multiple boyfriends at once. I did not care about their feelings. All I cared about was my own selfish desires. I wanted to live on my own terms, unlike my mother who thought she needed a man and settled for anything. I looked at these guys as toys and played with their heads. I was determined to be the player instead of the one getting played. There were no commitments so I was not cheating on anyone so I was justified to do whatever I wanted to do.
So you understand when I met you, I was not looking for anything from you except to beat you at your own game. You know, the game every guy plays (so I thought). But you were different. There was something about you that made you special and I knew you were but I did not care. I could not care. I refused to allow love in. When I found myself falling for you, I had to do something about it, so I started seeing two other guys. By then you had made it known that you were serious about me and wanted to take the next step and make us exclusive. It was not until I found out that I was pregnant that I decided to give you and I a chance. And unfortunately, that is when things got complicated.
I wanted you to be the father so bad and I thought you were because we were together the day the baby was conceived. I was so sure you were so that is why I put your name on the birth certificate. It was not until after our baby was born that I found out the horrific news that there was a chance that one of the other guys I was seeing could be the father. My doctor informed me that having unprotected sex with multiple partners within a week's time could lessen the chances of knowing who the father is because sperm can lie in wait in a woman's vagina for up to five days waiting for an egg to be released. Which means that if the baby was conceived on Friday and I had sex with a guy on Monday, and another on Wednesday, and on Friday, any one of those guys could be the father! I believed in my mind that you were his father when I told you so its not like I lied to you intentionally because you could have been the father! I loved you so much, and I owed it to you to find out for sure, but I was so reluctant up until you asked me to marry you. As each day passed, keeping this secret from you made me ill and I had to find out for sure if the child was yours. But before, I wanted to rule the two guys out. So, I went to them both and asked for DNA tests, both were willing to do it, but I did tell them that no matter what the results were, you were the baby's father. They both were cooperative until the one of them came back a positive match. That was a year ago. Well, yesterday I received a letter from this guy from a lawyer claiming he wants visitation rights and custody arrangements for our son! So its only a matter of time before you knew everything. I am so sorry for keeping this from you and to be honest, I do not think I would have ever told you. But I think its for the best. The timing is not good being as though we are scheduled to be married next week, but I at least owed you that much to decide if you still want to go on with the ceremony. If you do not, I understand, but please understand that I had my reasons. I love you and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
We moved around a lot because every guy she met would sell her this dream of settling down and for a while she would be happy, until they would start to beat on her. I always wondered why every guy she dated would do that. The only times she would leave is when they would beat me. She always said " They can do what they want to me, but if they hurt you, the relationship is over!"..She would tell me that after I would run crying to her after she would get beat! And just like clock work, after they would get tired of her, they would move to me, and then we would move away and the cycle would continue. Well, it wasn't until my grandmother died, and left the her house to my mom that we settled down. by then, I was already a senior in high school. That was the last time we moved and after that, my mother never let a man in our home again.
When it came to relationships I never really committed for more that six months. I would get bored and look for someone new. Moving on was normal for me because it was how I was raised. I loved meeting new people which was my motto I lived by and I never committed to any guy I have dated. I was a floater and I enjoyed it. I had multiple boyfriends at once. I did not care about their feelings. All I cared about was my own selfish desires. I wanted to live on my own terms, unlike my mother who thought she needed a man and settled for anything. I looked at these guys as toys and played with their heads. I was determined to be the player instead of the one getting played. There were no commitments so I was not cheating on anyone so I was justified to do whatever I wanted to do.
So you understand when I met you, I was not looking for anything from you except to beat you at your own game. You know, the game every guy plays (so I thought). But you were different. There was something about you that made you special and I knew you were but I did not care. I could not care. I refused to allow love in. When I found myself falling for you, I had to do something about it, so I started seeing two other guys. By then you had made it known that you were serious about me and wanted to take the next step and make us exclusive. It was not until I found out that I was pregnant that I decided to give you and I a chance. And unfortunately, that is when things got complicated.
I wanted you to be the father so bad and I thought you were because we were together the day the baby was conceived. I was so sure you were so that is why I put your name on the birth certificate. It was not until after our baby was born that I found out the horrific news that there was a chance that one of the other guys I was seeing could be the father. My doctor informed me that having unprotected sex with multiple partners within a week's time could lessen the chances of knowing who the father is because sperm can lie in wait in a woman's vagina for up to five days waiting for an egg to be released. Which means that if the baby was conceived on Friday and I had sex with a guy on Monday, and another on Wednesday, and on Friday, any one of those guys could be the father! I believed in my mind that you were his father when I told you so its not like I lied to you intentionally because you could have been the father! I loved you so much, and I owed it to you to find out for sure, but I was so reluctant up until you asked me to marry you. As each day passed, keeping this secret from you made me ill and I had to find out for sure if the child was yours. But before, I wanted to rule the two guys out. So, I went to them both and asked for DNA tests, both were willing to do it, but I did tell them that no matter what the results were, you were the baby's father. They both were cooperative until the one of them came back a positive match. That was a year ago. Well, yesterday I received a letter from this guy from a lawyer claiming he wants visitation rights and custody arrangements for our son! So its only a matter of time before you knew everything. I am so sorry for keeping this from you and to be honest, I do not think I would have ever told you. But I think its for the best. The timing is not good being as though we are scheduled to be married next week, but I at least owed you that much to decide if you still want to go on with the ceremony. If you do not, I understand, but please understand that I had my reasons. I love you and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
In Love With The Wrong Man
I was in love with the wrong man when
I should have been in love with God.
I wish I would have known then what I know now,
I would have been spared the pain of eating spiritual sod.
I followed this man when he had nothing.
He had a past but no present or future.
I followed this man even when he treated me bad
I thought he was my future.
But this poem is not about his treatment of me,
but of a testament of my self betrayal.
If I had loved God and loved my self as God loved me,
I would have never set myself up to fail.
God is a God of love like none other,
No man can comprehend to understand.
I should have given my heart to God,
Put is safe in the palm of His hand.
I gave my heart to this unworthy man
Deep down I hated to be loved
I didn't feel like i deserved real love
I have never experienced that kind of love before.
If I had known then what I know now,
I would have given up on that man and long gone!
But now I must live with the consequence
Of loving the wrong man for me.
But to live is too late for such
Now they are to bury me under and old oak tree.
As I hear my mother weep into the cloth that carries her sorrow filled tears,
Death at any age is no price to pay to end it beyond those mother prayed years.
In the spirit I rest, but still abiding under that test of loving myself still.
This time, loving the wrong man is no consequence to me because the body I loved
will be forever buried under the old oak just over the grassy hill.
Being in love with the wrong man proved unsuccessful for me but it is not too late for you.
Love yourself as God loves you, and you will never settle with some ungrateful fool.
When you allow God's love to fill your heart, you will gift it in return.
So when a man can see in you the love of God, He will either run or stay with you.
Then you will know that the man who loves the love of God, will also love you too!
I should have been in love with God.
I wish I would have known then what I know now,
I would have been spared the pain of eating spiritual sod.
I followed this man when he had nothing.
He had a past but no present or future.
I followed this man even when he treated me bad
I thought he was my future.
But this poem is not about his treatment of me,
but of a testament of my self betrayal.
If I had loved God and loved my self as God loved me,
I would have never set myself up to fail.
God is a God of love like none other,
No man can comprehend to understand.
I should have given my heart to God,
Put is safe in the palm of His hand.
I gave my heart to this unworthy man
Deep down I hated to be loved
I didn't feel like i deserved real love
I have never experienced that kind of love before.
If I had known then what I know now,
I would have given up on that man and long gone!
But now I must live with the consequence
Of loving the wrong man for me.
But to live is too late for such
Now they are to bury me under and old oak tree.
As I hear my mother weep into the cloth that carries her sorrow filled tears,
Death at any age is no price to pay to end it beyond those mother prayed years.
In the spirit I rest, but still abiding under that test of loving myself still.
This time, loving the wrong man is no consequence to me because the body I loved
will be forever buried under the old oak just over the grassy hill.
Being in love with the wrong man proved unsuccessful for me but it is not too late for you.
Love yourself as God loves you, and you will never settle with some ungrateful fool.
When you allow God's love to fill your heart, you will gift it in return.
So when a man can see in you the love of God, He will either run or stay with you.
Then you will know that the man who loves the love of God, will also love you too!
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Their 'Ideal' Type Of Love
Two friends, Kell and Trina are sitting on a park bench when one of them spot an elderly couple holding hands, Trina says, "Awe, look at that elderly couple!"
-"Where?" Kell says as she looks up searching through the park.
"They must have been together forever! After all those years they are still together. They are holding hands so they must be still in love with each other. That is so cute!" She says as she points toward the couple in matching purple jumpsuit.
- " Maybe.. Maybe not. Nothing is as it seems these days." Kell says as if she is not impressed.
" But look at them. They look so happy so comfortable together. I bet he is the father of all her children. They probably have four children, 3 doctors and one flower child, probably an artist. Judging by their clothing and their jewelry I'd say they are well off!"
"I bet you five dollars that they own a vacation home in Florida! I wish I had their money!"
-"Woman you are trippin'! How did you get all that just by them holding hands?"
" You know what I mean, the type of love that stands the test of time. I wish I had their type of love. The type of love that never worries about infidelities, jealousy, and strife. I wish I was able to trust my man! Hell, I wish I was able to find a man!"
-"I don't know about that friend. You never know what kind of love people have just by looking at them. Who knows, they could be brother and sister and be in some kind of incestual relationship! Back then they believed in that sort of thing, ya know!"
Trina turns and gives Kell a blank stair, " Really?? Is that ALL you can come up with?"
-" Damn Trina, I'm just saying! You are the one talking about you want these people's 'love life' and you don't know one thing about them. You are just conjuring up all kinds of imaginations about these random people! I'm just trying to add some sanity to your INSANITY!"
"Listen, all I'm saying is that I want the type of love my grandparents had. They remained together until they died. You don't see that anymore these days. I want the type of love that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith have. They are always seen out and about with each other wearing matching outfits! I think that is so cute!"
-" Hold on, Will and Jada?? Don't they have an open marriage or something like that? "
" No Girl! And if they did, if it works why not? Plus they got some talented children! I wish I had kids like that! Girl, I would be broke off something paid! You hear me?"
-" I know Trina, but if you want a relationship or a love like theirs then you would have to actually BE them, and you are not. You are Trina. You can only have Trina's type of love!"
"My type of love sucks! All I have to show for a love life are knuckle-headed ex-boyfriends who cannot remain faithful or they are just plain liars! I want true love! I want their type of love!"
-" And I understand how you feel. But listen, through my life I have learned that there are two types of love, True Love and My Ideal Type of Love."
" I want True Love... DUH!"
-" Well you gonna have to do what it takes to get it! True Love is imperfect but it has an abundance of forgiveness."
" So what's the other one because I've been hurt in the past and I don't know if I'm ready to forgive just yet!"
-" The other type is the Ideal Type, which is where you are right now, its only a figment of our imagination because we have yet to experience true love."
" Well, that sounds good but true love ain't meant for everybody. I don't think its meant for me. You can tell that based on my relationship track record!"
- " How many of your exes have wanted you back, and promised they would do better?"
"What does that have to do with anything? Damn near all of them, so am I suppose to just start dating all of them now?"
-"That's not what I am saying! I am saying that you had the opportunity to experience true love if you were willing to forgive and move forward, that's all! True love is not perfect. Hell, you could be living in true love right now. True love is meant for everyone who wants it. There aren't certain people who are only to have it. I know for a fact the only thing holding you back and holding others back from it is because they either feel that they can't achieve it or that they don't deserve it!"
" Kell, you know me! You know how long I have been trying! I just can't have it! I have just been through too much!"
-" Well you right Trina, You can't have it because you don't want it bad enough to forgive. People who experience true love are the people who are willing to go through the fire! They are people who are willing to be tested and tried! They are people who have overcome their own fears! Love is not easy and it is not without a struggle!"
"Well, I really want true love, but...I don't know." A tear runs down her face as she holds her head down and stares blankly in her lap! "I know what I have to do, but its so hard Kell! Its really hard!"
-"Is it something that you REALLY want?" Kell reaches over to comfort her friend.
Trina nods her head in silence.
-" True love takes time, so you need patience. It takes struggle, so you are going to have to have forgiveness. And you know what else?" Kell dries tears from her friend's eyes.
"What else is there?"
- "True Love needs faith, which is the belief that one day you will have it! Right now we are living our everyday lives as opportunities to show true love. Sometimes we could be experiencing it and not even know it until its gone and we begin to miss it. Who are you missing right now?"
"Girl you know me too well!" They both burst into laughter. "I miss Warren. He has always kept my heart, but I am just too afraid to let him back in, but I know I should at least give it another shot, and out of all my ex-boyfriends he is the only one that still calls to check up on me and tell me he loves and is thinking of me!"
-"Well there you go! Its time you start living the love life of Trina! Girl, I bet none of the relationships you think are so perfect actually are perfect."
"Probably not.."
-" Never desire someone's type of love because you don't know the struggle they go through to maintain it! Their struggle may not work for you because you aren't them! You are Trina, and being Trina poses it's own set of troubles!"
"Girl hush!" Trina laughs out loud as she playfully push Kell of the park bench.
Kell Looks at her watch, -" Oh Girl, come on lets go, we are going to miss our hair appointment!"
As Trina gets up she looks at her phone and notices a missed call. Its Warren. This time, instead of ignoring his phone call, she decides to call him back.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The List
Dear Lord,
I have been single for a while now and I am finally ready to settle down. Here is the list of ingredients that is required for the man I intend to marry:
Physical Characteristics:
1. Tall
2. Full Head of Hair
3.Brown Eyes
4. Nice Smile (no crooked teeth)
5. Brown Skinned (no preference on ethnicity)
6. Big Hands and Feet
7. Medium Build
8. Is Single and Wants Marriage
9. At least one year older than me, four years at the most
Financial Characteristics:
1. Has his own money
2. Supports himself
3. Entrepreneur
4.Manages Money Well
5. Business Minded
Lifestyle Characteristics:
1. Family Oriented
2. Loves to Cook
3. Works Out Regularly! Committed Gym Membership
4. Healthy Eater
5. No major health problems
6. Well groomed, manicured and clean cut
7. Loves God( A man after God's own heart)
8. Attend Church Services
9. Likes to spend quality time with me, going to movies, shopping, walks in the park, dining out, dining in, traveling, etc.
10. Enjoys hanging out with friends and family, has a healthy social life
Personality Characteristics:
1.Intelligent
2. Humble Hearted
3. Lead by the holy spirit
4. A protector
5. A natural Leader
6. Trustworthy
7. Confident, not boastful or arrogant
8. At peace with who he is
9. Mature
10. Wants to own his own home if not already
11. Interested in Real Estate
12. Loves me unconditionally
13. Not bossy but respectfully assertive
14. Not controlling
15. Easy Going
16. Loves People
17. Go with the flow attitude but not lazy
18. Has to be patient, loyal and dependable with me
19. Likes to look good and smell good
20. Tries to be the best at whatever he does
21. Has vision and purpose
22. He loves me
23.Faith filled
24. Talented
25. Anointed
26. Complimentary to me
27. My perfect fit
28. My Soul Mate
29. My best friend
30. My confidante
31. The man You have ordained for me to have from the foundations of the world!
Lord I will know the man you send me by how much he is willing to put up with me! Because anything you give is faithful and true! Thanks in advance! Muah!
I have been single for a while now and I am finally ready to settle down. Here is the list of ingredients that is required for the man I intend to marry:
Physical Characteristics:
1. Tall
2. Full Head of Hair
3.Brown Eyes
4. Nice Smile (no crooked teeth)
5. Brown Skinned (no preference on ethnicity)
6. Big Hands and Feet
7. Medium Build
8. Is Single and Wants Marriage
9. At least one year older than me, four years at the most
Financial Characteristics:
1. Has his own money
2. Supports himself
3. Entrepreneur
4.Manages Money Well
5. Business Minded
Lifestyle Characteristics:
1. Family Oriented
2. Loves to Cook
3. Works Out Regularly! Committed Gym Membership
4. Healthy Eater
5. No major health problems
6. Well groomed, manicured and clean cut
7. Loves God( A man after God's own heart)
8. Attend Church Services
9. Likes to spend quality time with me, going to movies, shopping, walks in the park, dining out, dining in, traveling, etc.
10. Enjoys hanging out with friends and family, has a healthy social life
Personality Characteristics:
1.Intelligent
2. Humble Hearted
3. Lead by the holy spirit
4. A protector
5. A natural Leader
6. Trustworthy
7. Confident, not boastful or arrogant
8. At peace with who he is
9. Mature
10. Wants to own his own home if not already
11. Interested in Real Estate
12. Loves me unconditionally
13. Not bossy but respectfully assertive
14. Not controlling
15. Easy Going
16. Loves People
17. Go with the flow attitude but not lazy
18. Has to be patient, loyal and dependable with me
19. Likes to look good and smell good
20. Tries to be the best at whatever he does
21. Has vision and purpose
22. He loves me
23.Faith filled
24. Talented
25. Anointed
26. Complimentary to me
27. My perfect fit
28. My Soul Mate
29. My best friend
30. My confidante
31. The man You have ordained for me to have from the foundations of the world!
Lord I will know the man you send me by how much he is willing to put up with me! Because anything you give is faithful and true! Thanks in advance! Muah!
My Husband Is:
My husband is my best friend. We go everywhere together. We goof around a lot because our jobs are so serious and demanding. He like going out of town on expensive trips to Vegas, Europe, and Hawaii. I Loved Hawaii (that is where we spent our honeymoon). I took him fishing and camping. It was so much fun but what I love the most is when we would sit outside and count the stars together and he would tell me his inner most thoughts as I lay my head on his chest. He sings to me and I love to hear it even if it is off key.
We visit his parents and he never disrespects me when his old girlfriend comes to visit. I love him so much!
I don't even remember what it was like when he wasn't in my life. I hate arguing with him and he knows it because he picks his battles, however, I give in to whatever he wants most of the time. My husband keeps me on track. I am not the most focused person, but he is and he is very organized. He likes a really clean house so I call a maid service because I can't keep it as clean as he likes it but I do clean up a little. Our home is so huge and we are barely there through out the day. When we are home, we like to cook together. My husband is a great cook. I usually help out by making the salads and side items. He makes the main courses and desserts! He is so sexy in the kitchen. I am so attracted to him and he can't keep his hands off me. I he tells me everyday that I love him the way he wants me to love him and that makes me smile. I also tell him that he loves me right whenever he loves me the way I want him to because I need him to know what makes me smile. But, knowing that I am loving him the way he wants me to gives me the greatest joy in the world!
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