You Are Stronger Than The Weakness You Have Settled For

 When I want something, I go after it until I  get it and at the time, that something was a man. I pursued a man any and every where. I was desperate. I looked on the internet, I went looking in the clubs, in the malls, and even on the street corners. I would put on the tightest dress, the highest of heels and the longest of weaves just to grab the attention of someone who thought I was their dream girl. I wanted to look the part of the dream. Not realizing that a dream is just that, a dream. I didn't know that there was any value to be being real. After all, I believed the lie that all men want a fantasy girl because those were the most desirable. So that is what I became. I sold my car to get breast implants, took out two five thousand dollar loans to get a nose job and a tummy tuck just so I can look like those video models you see on the music videos. I did all that just so I could look good enough to get into the clubs where the RICH men would party, hoping to snag one. When I finally did, i was so excited. He was  a very prestigious music mogul. He had dollars upon dollars upon dollar and he would spend it all on me. We would go on shopping sprees at Marc Jacob's Jewelers and he would buy me the most beautiful diamond necklaces. We would  go Lamborghini shopping and he would rent me out one for my birthday just so I can show off to all my friends. He was everything I wanted. But with all the fancy dining and extravagant trips I began to fall off on the maintenance, he noticed and soon he stopped calling me and inviting me places. I would call him and he wouldn't answer my phone calls. The last time I called him, the phone was no longer in service But that didn't stop his entourage to start calling on me. I was so obsessed with this man that I would do anything to be in his company. I would date his bodyguard just to be in the same club as him. I would ask about him so much that everyone began to be afraid of me so they wouldn't let me into any more of the same clubs he would frequent. It wasn't until I was standing in line waiting to get into this club that I used to be able to get into with no problem,  and saw him pull up in the same pink Lamborghini that he had bought for me with some other woman,  I realized  it was over. She was drop dead beautiful, and young. I became depressed and started eating more.The tummy tuck become not so tucked, the boob job I got began to leak, and my clothes became last seasons, and were no longer valuable.
When someone shows you who they are believe them, and when you see someone showing themselves to a person and that person believes something other than what is being seen, then that person is living in deception. My mama always told me that you can't make nobody love you, and you can't change someone just by loving them because your human love is not strong enough. People need the kind of Love that only God can give. People need a stronger love than whats is humanly possible. Anything other than that is just mental confusion, and like my grandmother used to say, "Baby, don't be confused, because confusion is of the Devil. Be certain of your decisions and lay hold to them like your life depended on it because it does."

My mind has played a few tricks on me through out the years because I thought that if I loved a man then that was all that was needed. If he didn't love me back then that was okay because I had enough love for the both of us. So when when he showed me who he was, I chose not to believe and eventually, I was back to square one. But this time, I was worse than I was when I first met him. 
I had become so confused and questioned who I was and where I was going in my life. At one point I had almost considered ending my own life. because my dream of being the 'dream girl' became a nightmare! I had no money and no man to fix my problems. I had to move back home just so I could live until I could find a job to support myself. Unfortunately for me, I had gotten pregnant, by the bodyguard, and by the time I found out, he was no where to be found. So now I have to raise this child on my own.
 I realized that I had wasted half my life on chasing something that wasn't real. It was an image. I wanted the image of love and became seduced by the glamor of it all. In fact, It was the idea of love the intrigued me the most. The idea of someone coming into my life and whisking me of to a wonderful world of perfection. So, instead of trying to find a man, I decided to try and find out who I was and why I was so ready to do ANYTHING to be with man.I discovered that it wasn't the man that I was looking for. It was fear of being alone. I began to read more  about loneliness and I developed a love for psychology. Which lead to  me wanting to go to school to become a relationship therapist because until you deal with the fear of loneliness, you can't really form healthy loving relationships.

To all the lonely people in the world looking for comfort:
You are stronger than the weakness that u have settled for!...your strength comes from God!...Although u may not WANT to raise the children on your own, or live all alone, or take an opportunity that will drastically change your life ultimately leaving you desolate and alone... maybe it is what you NEED to do so GOD can show you who you really are!