Dear Lord,
Damn. If you would have told me that I would have died like this (drowning butt naked in my own bath water) 25 years ago, then maybe I would have made some better choices with my life. Well, for one, I would never have started using drugs, smoking dope and snorting cocaine. You know, its funny how people always blamed Ricky for my drug habit but I started using drugs long before I met him. Hell, if it wasn't for the dope, he and I would have never met. Ricky and I had the same dope pusher, Greg. We would frequent the same Hollywood after-parties and that's when the fun started! The after party was originally coined after the Award Show's official party because there were no drugs being had there. So, usually we "Celebrities" and " Superstars" would meet up at someone's mansion and throw down on some cocaine, marijuana, etc. I was 16 when I did my first line of coke and Ricky was no where to be found! I don't think he was even born yet!
Ricky, like me, was also an entertainer but he sold himself in the industry as a bad boy! He was a true rebel. He was a member of a boy band and got kicked out after they decided not to make him the lead singer. Instead he went solo and made a few hit songs. Me? I was under contract. I did my dirt in the dark. The record company fostered my image. A young fresh-faced beauty who could melt your heart with just one octave. I could sing! I had raw talent and I knew how to work a crowd! But my managers had such a tight leash on me that I was never allowed to express myself freely EXCEPT on stage! I loved every minute of it! It used to be so much fun! But I think I came up in this type of industry too young-plucked right out of my church choir at the age of 14. My manager back then said that with a little pruning, I could easily become one of the greats and he was right!
I never knew how much of an impact I had on the music industry as a whole. I was 19 and I had just released my first album. I was too young to realize the legacy I was creating for many artists to come. Besides, I wasn't trying to leave a legacy. I just wanted to sing! I was just having some fun. Being on stage was so much fun and such a thrill, I wanted to feel that way all the time! Cocaine and alcohol did that for me. I Overdosed for the first time right after I won my first Grammy. The record company put a spin on it and leaked a fake story that I was pregnant and had lost the baby. After that, I had a heart to heart talk with my mother and a few close friends and decided to cool it for a while. I didn't quit my drug habit, I just cut back on how many lines I snorted before every performance. Lord, if I knew then what I know now!
Music was my life and it kept me young. But there is only so much you can do to this body before it gives out on you. My spirit was young and vibrant but my body was old because of the wear and tear I put on it because of the drugs and heavy smoking and drinking. I was in my 40s when I took my last breath, but I looked 60. When I stepped out of my body, I saw myself as everyone else saw me and I felt anger growing inside me for the last time. It was only by the grace of you Lord that I survived that long.
Oh well, my life is over now. I've made some decisions that I can't take back. But Lord, if you were to grant me one wish, I promise you I wouldn't waste it like I wasted my vessel of life. My wish is for every one who ever had a dream or a purpose and had lost their way to pray. Pray for the courage to stand in temptation. Pray for the will to overcome the lusts and the sins of this world. Pray for the ones that have, and the ones that have not. Pray for redemption from past hurts and pains. I want them to look at how I lived and died! Know that no matter how gifted or talented they may be, at some point it will all fade away and when it does, I hope that they have the presence of mind to recognize that the only thing that matters is the faith they have in God to see them through their darkest hour. I believe it and I know it to be true now!
For me it is over but for everyone that is living and breathing, there is still hope! Even now after death, as news of my untimely demise spreads and my life's work is being played on every network station and radio station across the world, I feel nothing. I don't feel pride. I don't feel joy. I don't feel sadness. I don't feel anything at all. I only wish.
