Dear Diary,
Man, I sure am tired of giving my all to guys who don't give me anything in return. It seems like every guy I was ever interested in has either let me down or disappointed me in someway. More often than not, it happens after we have sex! My friends tell me I should wait and let a guy show me who he is before I go the distance but I don't want to wait! I want to have fun! I mean, guys do it, so why can't I? They tell me I should just enjoy meeting new people and keep an open mind about love and not be too shallow. I don't think I am shallow, its just that I like attractive guys!
My best friend told me that I should focus on school and keep my mind off of finding love. She says I should look for friendship in a guy instead of jumping into bed with them and thinking relationships happen that way. Only in the movies, not in real life! But I love romantic movies where the girl finds love unexpectedly!! I want that too. Why can't I bake my cake have it forever while nibbling off of it piece by piece daily?? I want a man, and not just any man. I WANT MY OWN MAN!!
I am tired of being alone and I want to be loved and adored by somebody, but every time I commit, the guy I am seeing is never ready. Why not? I mean, I am cute, I am in school, so I am very intelligent and I work full time, so I have money! Why am I still single? I can't help who I fall in love with.
For instance, just last month I met a guy tending bar at my favorite Pub. He was sexy, and I was tipsy so I thought he should know how attractive he was to me. Hell, I was so tipsy, all the guys were looking pretty hot and tempting at that point!
Anyway, I go up to him, and ask him for his phone number, I said
"Oh My God, you are so cute right now! Are you single? If so, can I get your phone number? My name is Stephanie by the way!"
He gave me his number without even saying a word. I got it like that! I can get any man I want just by asking. So, I call him up the next day and leave a message on his answering machine, and the next day he texts me back! I got so excited!
We have been texting each other for a month now and we've had sex a few times until I decided to want more.
So, one night after we meet up, usually in random places because he has roommates,
I ask him THE question. I say,
"So, where are we going from here? Are we a couple now because I am really feeling you and I want to be your girlfriend."
Then he looks down at his watch, then slowly looks up at me and says,
"I like you, I do. Its just that I have a lot going on right now and I can't complicate things with a girlfriend. You understand that right? But that doesn't mean we have to stop doing what we do because I really like you and I want to spend time with you."
Well, he likes me and wants to spend time with me. That is what is most important right?
So, I continue to sex him at random places for a while. Then our meeting had gotten few and far between, so I started to call him and I kept getting the damn voicemail. I am beginning to think he is avoiding me which sucks and now I feel unwanted, unloved and so empty inside.
I feel numb to the world and all I have is this hole in my heart where this guy should be. What do I do now? I know, I will find another guy to fill it! I saw this guy in the library that I go to often, and he looked cute, maybe I will start with him!
To The Reader,
The moral to this story is this: The cycle of fulfilling the desire for love with lust will continue until you decide you want more than just a fling. You say you want a relationship but all you are showing the other person in that relationship is a good time. Love doesn't happen through sex. It is cultivated over time of getting to know a person for who they are and allowing others to get to know you for who you really are. If you add sex to that equation, it only complicates things with fake emotions brought on by lust. Therefore you can't trust your feelings if you would have just left sex out of it. Take time to love the right way and not let your body dictate what your next move is. Conquer that inner lustful nature and you will find the natural flow of the human connection that we all long for. Good luck and God bless ya!
