Dear Crush,
My love life hasn't always been easy. In fact, it has been a string of bad relationships. Recently I had just broken up with my boyfriend who threw me out of his hotel room (because he didn't have a place to live) because I wouldn't have sex with him. He told me that God told him that his affection would come from his wife and I was his future wife. He said that if I wasn't going to give him any affection then I needed to leave. He then became extremely violent screaming and yelling while throwing things around the room. He grabbed my purse from the night stand where I had put it earlier.He then grabbed my arm, dragging me to the door, opened it with his right hand and threw me out and with a dramatic flair threw my purse out onto the ground! Surprisingly enough, I was not upset.
Calmly I gathered my things, put on my shades, took one look at the sky and saw how beautiful it was (vowing to never put my self in this type of situation again), got in my car and I left. I never heard from him again only to receive messages that he left on my voicemail explaining how sorry he was. But on my way home I remember asking my self why I couldn't find a decent guy. After all, I didn't want much just someone who was NORMAL!
As I was driving home I saw a billboard advertising two sales associates for a real estate company. Right away I noticed your face. Your eyes caught my attention. Big beautiful hazel brown eyes! Why couldn't I meet a guy like you? You were professional, young and ambitious. Hell, I even wanted to BE you at the moment. At that moment I knew I needed to change my atmosphere. I needed new friends and new associates. I need to be with YOU! Weeks after seeing your face on that billboard, I remember picking up a catalog for real estate companies and seeing that same advertisement. I cut it out and pasted it in a scrap book as a reminder to never settle for anything less! You were something to aspire to. Every night before I went to bed, I would take out that advertisement and stare at it for hours envisioning our life together as a power couple making millions of dollars buying re-decorating and selling houses! It was a fantasy that I looked forward to dreaming about!
But of course I had no way of ever getting to meet you and I wouldn't dare call you so I did nothing. I went along my merry way and got back into the single swing of my life. I never thought about you again until that fateful day you walked into my office building for a meeting with my boss! I saw you and my jaw dropped! Right then, I had to take a chance! Some how I managed to get in on the negotiation of a deal for rental property that my boss was discussing and I got to go along with you and my boss to see the property (driving in separate cars of course).
Showing homes to prospective buyers is nothing new to you. To you it was like any other day. I was just another client to you, nothing special. To me your presence in my life at the moment was everything! You represented the possibility that dreams really do come true and the God really does answer prayers! I knew that us meeting this way was a sign! I had to be in your life somehow but unfortunately I was in no position for romance. I was working for pennies and you made millions. You wore designer suits and had millionaire clients. I wore whatever I could find on the sales rack at Walmart! You had friends that owned businesses. I had friends that worked for your friends. I wasn't your equal and I knew it! I guess I didn't want to meet you because you would realize it and break my heart. There had to be another way to get into your life.
I decided to approach you as a prospective buyer of a home myself. I convinced my self that I wouldn't technically be lying because one day I would like to buy a house. So, after agonizing over the decision to call you for a few weeks, I finally got up the nerve and dialed the number on your advertisement. It rang, you answered and your voice was so charming I almost fainted! You sounded like every thing I could have ever imagined. Your thoughts were clear and concise just like the business man I knew you would be. We set a time to meet. It was Monday at 6:00 p.m in your office.
When we met, you didn't look the same. You had lost a bit of weight and you were kind of in a rush. I knew you felt as if I was wasting your time when I told you that I had bad credit. You rushed me out and said you had another meeting. I could only imagine that you were in a hurry to get to your girlfriend or wife. I never got to ask you all the personal questions I wanted to ask because you kept it all business. I felt really awful afterwards and vowed that I would get myself together and one day be worthy of being in your life! I never saw you again until a year later.
I was working at a new job and the money was okay but not enough, but it was a lot more than what I was used to. One day while talking to a few co-workers I began surfing the web and decided to Google you. Another company came up and you were the head guy serving as their sales leader. I had to meet you again to show you that I was improved, so I called the number and set up a meeting, this time, I expressed that we had met before and that I wanted to get to know you. I felt that honesty was the best policy and I really had nothing to lose. I was more confident than I was a year ago. Well, when I got to the place to meet with you, you weren't there, however I met up with one of your associates and I talked to him. I told him that we had a mutual friend in common and he decided to help me get a job with your firm. That meant I got to see you every day! It was great, however, you never knew that was the reason for why I was there. Every chance I got I would make it my business to be where you were whenever you were in the building. I would always find a reason to empty the trash in your office, or get on the computer in the computer lab whenever you were there. I never really got the nerve to talk to you because you were either in a meeting, talking to someone else or just not paying me any attention. I started wearing low cut blouses and figure fitting slacks to work, just to see if you would notice. I drew attention but it wasn't from you but your associate on your team. He was cool but I really wanted you!
Your associate asked me out and I turned him down. I took the opportunity to tell him that I had feelings for you and that was the only reason I had accepted the job. He laughed in my face and told me that you thought I was a joke! A silly little girl looking for attention. He told me that you knew I was interested in you and he said that you ignored me on purpose just to see if I would speak to you just as a game! You laughed at me! You made fun of me behind my back, then you started to flirt with one of my co-workers just to annoy me! I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, that I faked an illness and never went back to work for your company ever again. That experience made me realize that I had put you on a pedestal. I used you as a motivation for my success. You were the prize that I never really won and I never realized why until now.
Now that I am successful in my own right I realize that I used you to motivate me to reach my goal. You represented power and success, which was something I wanted! When I couldn't have you at that moment, I took it as if I couldn't be powerful or successful. I inevitably got depressed, angry and really embarrassed but most of all humiliated. Not towards you but toward myself for ever feeling that way about you. It was crazy of me to seek you out like that and force myself into your life, only to never get up the nerve to talk to you. I don't blame you for thinking of me as a weirdo! Trust me, seeing myself through your eyes was definitely a wake up call. I had to find another way to motivate myself to get to where I wanted to be. I just had to learn patience.
I never gave up seeking power or success, I just gave up on ever wanting you because the idea of you being powerful and successful was a hell of a lot better than the reality of you. In reality, you are a jerk and I was a fool for ever thinking that your life was any better than the life I could create for myself! I had a foolish crush on you. I had a secret crush! Secret crushes only lead to stalking and that was never my intention. But one thing is for sure though, I will never make that mistake of secretly crushing over a guy I don't even know. I know who I am now. I am a woman that knows what she wants and will never be afraid to go after it! That is just the type of woman I am, but this time, there won't be any secrets and I won't be afraid of rejection because I know I am a good catch. If a man won't have me in his life then it is HIS LOSS! From now on, I live my life like its gold!
