Letters From A Woman Who Loved The Wrong Man

Having My Reasons: A Letter To My Recently Betrothed

Before you judge me please know that I had my reasons to do what I have done and take full responsibility for the wrong I have done against you. What I hope to gain by writing you this letter is for you to understand why I chose to do the things that I have done. First of all, when we met six years ago I was in a different place mentally. I lived foolishly and was very selfish. Love was a foreign concept I had yet to grasp. I think that had a lot to do with how I was brought up. My mother was one of those women who had to have a man in her life. She believed that a woman should never be living alone. Unfortunately for me the men she chose were always drunks and liars and she did not care who he was so long as he had a job, a car, and place for us to live. My mother and I moved around a lot when I was a child and it was not until I reached senior year in high school that she decided to settle down somewhere. During that time there was very little time to form friendships and other types of bonds with other kids at my age. She thought I needed a father even though I never knew my real father and I don't think my mother really knew who fathered me either. The only name on my birth certificate was hers and when asked about my father the story would be the same. She met a guy at a bar, brought him home and boom...I was born. I am sure there was much more to it than that, but my mother was never much for giving specifics (she was always out partying so she vaguely remembers her past).

We moved around a lot because every guy she met would sell her this dream of settling down and for a while she would be happy, until they would start to beat on her. I always wondered why every guy she dated would do that. The only times she would leave is when they would beat me. She always said " They can do what they want to me, but if they hurt you, the relationship is over!"..She would tell me that after I would run crying to her after she would get beat! And just like clock work, after they would get tired of her, they would move to me, and then we would move away and the cycle would continue. Well, it wasn't until my grandmother died, and left the her house to my mom that we settled down. by then, I was already a senior in high school. That was the last time we moved and after that, my mother never let a man in our home again.

When it came to relationships I never really committed for more that six months. I would get bored and look for someone new. Moving on was normal for me because it was how I was raised. I loved meeting new people which was my motto I lived by and I never committed to any guy I have dated. I was a floater and I enjoyed it. I had multiple boyfriends at once. I did not care about their feelings. All I cared about was my own selfish desires. I wanted to live on my own terms, unlike my mother who thought she needed a man and settled for anything. I looked at these guys as toys and played with their heads. I was determined to be the player instead of the one getting played. There were no commitments so I was not cheating on anyone so I was justified to do whatever I wanted to do.
So you understand when I met you, I was not looking for anything from you except to beat you at your own game. You know, the game every guy plays (so I thought). But you were different. There was something about you that made you special and I knew you were but I did not care. I could not care. I refused to allow love in. When I found myself falling for you, I had to do something about it, so I started seeing two other guys. By then you had made it known that you were serious about me and wanted to take the next step and make us exclusive. It was not until I found out that I was pregnant that I decided to give you and I a chance. And unfortunately, that is when things got complicated.

I wanted you to be the father so bad and I thought you were because we were together the day the baby was conceived. I was so sure you were so that is why I put your name on the birth certificate. It was not until after our baby was born that I found out the horrific news that there was a chance that one of the other guys I was seeing could be the father. My doctor informed me that having unprotected sex with multiple partners within a week's time could lessen the chances of knowing who the father is because sperm can lie in wait in a woman's vagina for up to five days waiting for an egg to be released. Which means that if the baby was conceived on Friday and I had sex with a guy on Monday, and another on Wednesday, and on Friday, any one of those guys could be the father! I believed in my mind that you were his father when I told you so its not like I lied to you intentionally because you could have been the father! I loved you so much, and I owed it to you to find out for sure, but I was so reluctant up until you asked me to marry you. As each day passed, keeping this secret from you made me ill and I had to find out for sure if the child was yours. But before, I wanted to rule the two guys out. So, I went to them both and asked for DNA tests, both were willing to do it, but I did tell them that no matter what the results were, you were the baby's father. They both were cooperative until the one of them came back a positive match. That was a year ago. Well, yesterday I received a letter from this guy from a lawyer claiming he wants visitation rights and custody arrangements for our son! So its only a matter of time before you knew everything. I am so sorry for keeping this from you and to be honest, I do not think I would have ever told you. But I think its for the best. The timing is not good being as though we are scheduled to be married next week, but I at least owed you that much to decide if you still want to go on with the ceremony. If you do not, I understand, but please understand that I had my reasons. I love you and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

In Love With The Wrong Man

I was in love with the wrong man when
I should have been in love with God.
I wish I would have known then what I know now,
I would have been spared the pain of eating spiritual sod.
I followed this man when he had nothing.
He had a past but no present or future.
I followed this man even when he treated me bad
I thought he was my future.

But this poem is not about his treatment of me,
but of a testament of my self betrayal.
If I had loved God and loved my self as God loved me,
I would have never set myself up to fail.
God is a God of love like none other,
No man can comprehend to understand.
I should have given my heart to God,
Put is safe in the palm of His hand.

I gave my heart to this unworthy man
Deep down I hated to be loved
I didn't feel like i deserved real love
I have never experienced that kind of love before.
If I had known then what I know now,
I would have given up on that man and long gone!
But now I must live with the consequence
Of loving the wrong man for me.
But to live is too late for such
Now they are to bury me under and old oak tree.

As I hear my mother weep into the cloth that carries her sorrow filled tears,
Death at any age is no price to pay to end it beyond those mother prayed years.
In the spirit I rest, but still abiding under that test of loving myself still.
This time, loving the wrong man is no consequence to me because the body I loved
will be forever buried under the old oak just over the grassy hill.

Being in love with the wrong man proved unsuccessful for me but it is not too late for you.
Love yourself as God loves you, and you will never settle with some ungrateful fool.
When you allow God's love to fill your heart, you will gift it in return.
So when a man can see in you the love of God, He will either run or stay with you.
Then you will know that the man who loves the love of God, will also love you too!