Dear Associate,
The day started like any other. I walked out of my front door and looked around my yard and realized I needed to do something about the yard. There were leaves everywhere! I go back into the house to look for my leaf blower. It was one of those cheap blowers that came with a matching weed wacker. They both were cordless and came with a battery. As I went to search for the battery, I noticed that the battery I found was dead. So, I decided to get the battery charger out of storage. Now, I hadn't used this leaf blower/ weed wacker combination in about a year so imagine my surprise when the charger stopped working. Feeling frustrated, I decided to go to the store to buy a battery charger. As I was driving down the highway, towards Walmart, I see a Home Depot. I thought for sure they would have a battery charger for me. For some reason I thought I had bought the leaf blower from there. Home Depot was notorious for their lack of customer service. I haven't shopped there much because of this very reason. But today was different. When I walked through the door, there was a greeter, "Welcome To Home Depot", she said. I smiled and said thank you only because I was surprised. They never have any staff here at this location. I ask her if she knew where I could find a battery for a leaf blower, and she pointed me to the lawn and garden department. I had just gotten to the isle when out of nowhere(or a place that I can only describe as heaven) the most beautiful man I have ever seen appears. It was you. with a smile on your face you say, "Can I help you?" I'm thinking Hell Yeah!! But I play it cool, "Yes you can help me, I'm looking for a battery charger to go to fit my batteries for a leaf blower that I have". After I tell you what I needed, you walk me over to the leaf blowers and show me some tools. As I followed you, I noticed the stature of your physique, tall with a really nice body and an accent. I have never been into men with thick accents, but the way you carried yourself, I was intrigued. You was Sexy! With Glazed Caramel Skin, beautiful shiny black hair-cut just enough to show the natural curl pattern. If God, were to ask me what my ideal man looks like he would look like this you! "excuse me, for one second" you say as you are whisked away by another customer, leaving me alone to ponder what this encounter means for me and my life right now. You literally took my breath away. I had to get to know who you are.
A few days before I met you, I had just decided to move on with my life, after years of pining for a man who was emotionally unavailable. He wasn't ready, but I thought I was until he finally let me go and stopped answering my phone calls and text messages. I had no choice but to let go. I had finally decided to trust God (or so I thought) to bring me the man he meant for me to have. I wasn't planning to go to Home Depot that day to meet such a beautiful person. Now, all I know is that I'd like to know more about you. Get to know you. Spend some time with you and possible be of some help to you. You see, when I met you for the first time, you literally took my breath away. I was attracted to your smile, your humor, and your calm. I know I am just a stranger to you. A customer among many who pinch your cheeks, call you baby, sugar or any other sweet name they can think of to show adoration. But the truth of the matter is that there is nothing about me that sets me apart from any other woman you have ever known. So, why make an effort? You may look at me and see every woman that has ever done you wrong,or maybe you think that not talking to me or getting to know me may in someway avenge your hurting soul; Or, maybe you are just not ready to know anyone and would rather stick to who you know you can trust. I don't know. But I would sure like to. You would be a welcomed distraction from my boring life.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Thursday, January 29, 2015
P.R.E.A. (Officer vs. Inmate)
Dear Lover,
You have seen me grow in the department from a Correctional Officer to Warden of an institution. I am where I am because of you. We have kept our relationship a secret for a while now. Nobody would have ever believed you and I were in love. I would have never been this ambitious if it were not for our relationship. Do you remember when we first met? You had been in a fight on the recreation yard, and my Captain had asked me to take photos of your cuts and bruises.
During that time of my life I was going through a tough time at home. My husband had left me for another man, and my dog had gotten ran over by my next door neighbor. I was feeling really lonely. I was new on the job; therefore, nobody talked to me. My fellow officers wrote me off as just another newbie. They would not invite me to shift parties or asked me to participate in any of their social events outside of work. In fact, I never had one single person on my shift that cared about me. I was alone and depressed with no one to talk to. I felt alienated by everyone. I never told anyone that I had thoughts of suicide after I found my husband in bed with my neighbor, (the same neighbor that killed my dog!). So the day I met you, I had already decided to end my life. I was going to jump off the sky way bridge after work but in a way, your fight on the recreation yard saved me.
You saved me. In all that you were going through, you said, “How is it that someone as, beautiful as you find themselves working here, at a place like this….If you were my wife, I would want you safe.” Safe. Out of all the people in my life, it was a battered and abused inmate that was concerned about my safety. My husband wasn’t very concerned about my safety. My fellow officers were not concerned about me at all. In fact, when the fight broke out, most of the officers were huddled up under the pavilion, probably laughing and making fun of me, like always. Who could blame them?
I was about a hundred pounds overweight and had a problem with facial hair. I had problems with my thyroid which caused my hormones to fluctuate out of control which caused the unwanted hair on my face. I wasn’t very athletic, so whenever I did any walking, I sweat a lot. So, I could hear their snickering and grinning as I walked by. There was one officer in particular that would just always belittle me. I could hear him say “Shhhh….Here comes Officer Sasquatch!!! Damn she has full beard!! “, whenever I walked anywhere he and other officers were congregating. A roar of laughter would ensue. I would just make like I did not hear them. I did not feel there was any point in arguing.
I had it rough, but the day we met meant the most. Your words meant everything to me. I felt special. I felt beautiful. I felt like someone finally saw me for the first time. I thought maybe my life was not that bad. Maybe I do have something to offer this world. Your words were EVERYTHING at that moment.
After your stint in confinement, they moved you to the dorm I was assigned to. I hoped you had remembered me. It had been three months since we had seen each other. When I saw you during master roster count, my heart had fluttered thinking that you would have something nice to say to me. During that time in my life, I was going through a divorce. The court proceedings were taxing and stressful, and I was looking for something to take my mind of things. Of course I could have started drinking excessively to drown out my misery. Lord knows I tried. It only made me more depressed. So, you can see how the very sight of you was most comforting. When we made eye contact, you smiled, said your Last Name, DC Number and Bunk Number. Of course I smiled back. As I went to the next inmate’s bunk, I could feel you follow me with your eyes. So, I look back to see if you were still watching, but just a quick glance. You were watching and our eyes met, and you winked at me! That was when I knew my life would never be the same again. I was in love with an Inmate.
Throughout my years of matriculation through the department, we communicated off and on. I knew that in order to see you more, I had to be in the right position. I never wanted to make rank, but if I had to pick a favorite, I would choose Shift Captain. As the Shift Captain, I had the control of the facility. I could order officers to have inmates sent to me for investigative purposes. Sometimes I would do this on a whim, but mostly it was to set a standard of normalcy so that when we met, our movements would not seem suspicious to other staff. I chose staff I knew were dirty. For instance, whenever someone one would complain about staff members, I had the staff member that made the complaint sent to another shift or institution, citing hostility in the workplace. Then, I would put the dirty staff member as one of my closest confidants. Once I got all the snitches off my staff, our relationship became easy. My lead sergeant was bringing in large amounts of marijuana and Cocaine. Two of his yard officers were screwing inmates in laundry rooms. So, as long as I had other folks running schemes, no one was really concerned with what I was doing. They didn’t know, but I sure as hell made sure I knew what they were doing. If I got caught, I would have something to bargain with.
I treated you like a king. You got everything you ever wanted. I brought in Cell Phones so we could communicate. I put money in your inmate trust fund account. I even sent money to the mother of your children whenever they needed anything. I was a good woman to you. I made sure you were always housed in a single cell, and made sure you got to do the job you wanted to do. You liked working in the kitchen so you could make your own food to take back to the dorm to eat. No one could say you were treated wrong. You did what you wanted to do whenever you wanted to do it. I wanted you to feel special the way you made me feel special.
You were my rock. I was so excited and overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant with the man of my dreams’ baby. I remember the day when I told you I was pregnant. You were working as a recreation yard orderly which meant you were the last to come off the recreation yard. I waited for you just so I could tell you the good news. I thought you would be excited. But all you did was walk away.
The next day, you put in for a transfer, and you and I had not communicated in 3 Years. By then I had promoted again but not by merit. I had to sleep with the Warden at the time to become his second in command. But I did it all for you. I knew where you were and I always kept tabs on you. I figured you needed your space. I knew you would come to your senses again. I waited until the Warden position was open at the facility you were in, and applied. I got turned down a few times before I got it. I knew once you knew of my new role as Warden, we would then get married and since I was now the Warden all your transfers had to be signed off on by me.
But that dream faded. Turns out, one of the officers at the previous facility I had worked was arrested for selling dope and decided to talk and my name came up. So they put a spy at my institution or at least that was what the Inspector told me when they arrested me yesterday. I knew they did not have anything on me because I was so careful or so I thought. Then they let me read the witness statement you wrote about our relationship. You told them that you were being harassed and that I made you get me pregnant. You said I threatened to have other inmates beat you if you did not give me what I wanted. You also got your children’s mothers to write statements saying I was harassing them by sending gifts and money. I thought we were in love, why would I threaten you or the people you love? Why would I put my job, my career on the line if it were not all for you? You told me you loved me. I can forgive you if you were just upset about the baby. But I was not going to get an abortion. By the way, when did you get married? You never told me you had a wife? I thought you and I were going to get married. That was the whole reason I came to this prison was to be near you and raise our baby together. Of course I could never bring the baby to see you. But I sent you pictures. Instead you used those pictures as evidence of my obsession with you. I would have never thought you would turn on me like this. You said I was special. You said you loved me and wanted to marry me. My heart sank when I learned your true intentions. I thought they were all lies. I can forgive you if you were coerced.
The inspector told me that you wanted to get closer to home so your parents and wife and children could visit you. So you decided to turn me in as if we did not have a real relationship! He made it seem like our love was wrong. He says they are pushing to prosecute me under the P.R.E.A. (Prison Rape Elimination Act) Rule. They are saying I raped you because I had constituted authority over you. So, I would have to register as a sex offender for the rest of my life! You turned me into a sex offender? How did I get here?
I know how! They told us in the Officer’s Academy about getting involved with inmates and warned us on this very situation, yet I never thought it would happen to me. I allowed my needing to be loved and fear of loneliness to cloud my judgment. Also, being alienated by fellow staff members only pushed me into the wrong direction because I was weak and reveled in self pity and low self esteem. As I become aware of what I am really facing, I am realizing that you never really loved me. You were using me just to get what you wanted. You played me for a Duck!
So, I guess the joke is really on me since I now have a child to care for and no job, no pension, no benefits and facing prison time, labeled as a sex offender. My parents disowned me. Ironically, I am lonelier now than when I first met you. I can only hope that my life experience be a testament to others who are seeking love in all the wrong places. DO NOT DO IT, BECAUSE IT IS NOT WORTH IT.
You have seen me grow in the department from a Correctional Officer to Warden of an institution. I am where I am because of you. We have kept our relationship a secret for a while now. Nobody would have ever believed you and I were in love. I would have never been this ambitious if it were not for our relationship. Do you remember when we first met? You had been in a fight on the recreation yard, and my Captain had asked me to take photos of your cuts and bruises.
During that time of my life I was going through a tough time at home. My husband had left me for another man, and my dog had gotten ran over by my next door neighbor. I was feeling really lonely. I was new on the job; therefore, nobody talked to me. My fellow officers wrote me off as just another newbie. They would not invite me to shift parties or asked me to participate in any of their social events outside of work. In fact, I never had one single person on my shift that cared about me. I was alone and depressed with no one to talk to. I felt alienated by everyone. I never told anyone that I had thoughts of suicide after I found my husband in bed with my neighbor, (the same neighbor that killed my dog!). So the day I met you, I had already decided to end my life. I was going to jump off the sky way bridge after work but in a way, your fight on the recreation yard saved me.
You saved me. In all that you were going through, you said, “How is it that someone as, beautiful as you find themselves working here, at a place like this….If you were my wife, I would want you safe.” Safe. Out of all the people in my life, it was a battered and abused inmate that was concerned about my safety. My husband wasn’t very concerned about my safety. My fellow officers were not concerned about me at all. In fact, when the fight broke out, most of the officers were huddled up under the pavilion, probably laughing and making fun of me, like always. Who could blame them?
I was about a hundred pounds overweight and had a problem with facial hair. I had problems with my thyroid which caused my hormones to fluctuate out of control which caused the unwanted hair on my face. I wasn’t very athletic, so whenever I did any walking, I sweat a lot. So, I could hear their snickering and grinning as I walked by. There was one officer in particular that would just always belittle me. I could hear him say “Shhhh….Here comes Officer Sasquatch!!! Damn she has full beard!! “, whenever I walked anywhere he and other officers were congregating. A roar of laughter would ensue. I would just make like I did not hear them. I did not feel there was any point in arguing.
I had it rough, but the day we met meant the most. Your words meant everything to me. I felt special. I felt beautiful. I felt like someone finally saw me for the first time. I thought maybe my life was not that bad. Maybe I do have something to offer this world. Your words were EVERYTHING at that moment.
After your stint in confinement, they moved you to the dorm I was assigned to. I hoped you had remembered me. It had been three months since we had seen each other. When I saw you during master roster count, my heart had fluttered thinking that you would have something nice to say to me. During that time in my life, I was going through a divorce. The court proceedings were taxing and stressful, and I was looking for something to take my mind of things. Of course I could have started drinking excessively to drown out my misery. Lord knows I tried. It only made me more depressed. So, you can see how the very sight of you was most comforting. When we made eye contact, you smiled, said your Last Name, DC Number and Bunk Number. Of course I smiled back. As I went to the next inmate’s bunk, I could feel you follow me with your eyes. So, I look back to see if you were still watching, but just a quick glance. You were watching and our eyes met, and you winked at me! That was when I knew my life would never be the same again. I was in love with an Inmate.
Throughout my years of matriculation through the department, we communicated off and on. I knew that in order to see you more, I had to be in the right position. I never wanted to make rank, but if I had to pick a favorite, I would choose Shift Captain. As the Shift Captain, I had the control of the facility. I could order officers to have inmates sent to me for investigative purposes. Sometimes I would do this on a whim, but mostly it was to set a standard of normalcy so that when we met, our movements would not seem suspicious to other staff. I chose staff I knew were dirty. For instance, whenever someone one would complain about staff members, I had the staff member that made the complaint sent to another shift or institution, citing hostility in the workplace. Then, I would put the dirty staff member as one of my closest confidants. Once I got all the snitches off my staff, our relationship became easy. My lead sergeant was bringing in large amounts of marijuana and Cocaine. Two of his yard officers were screwing inmates in laundry rooms. So, as long as I had other folks running schemes, no one was really concerned with what I was doing. They didn’t know, but I sure as hell made sure I knew what they were doing. If I got caught, I would have something to bargain with.
I treated you like a king. You got everything you ever wanted. I brought in Cell Phones so we could communicate. I put money in your inmate trust fund account. I even sent money to the mother of your children whenever they needed anything. I was a good woman to you. I made sure you were always housed in a single cell, and made sure you got to do the job you wanted to do. You liked working in the kitchen so you could make your own food to take back to the dorm to eat. No one could say you were treated wrong. You did what you wanted to do whenever you wanted to do it. I wanted you to feel special the way you made me feel special.
You were my rock. I was so excited and overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant with the man of my dreams’ baby. I remember the day when I told you I was pregnant. You were working as a recreation yard orderly which meant you were the last to come off the recreation yard. I waited for you just so I could tell you the good news. I thought you would be excited. But all you did was walk away.
The next day, you put in for a transfer, and you and I had not communicated in 3 Years. By then I had promoted again but not by merit. I had to sleep with the Warden at the time to become his second in command. But I did it all for you. I knew where you were and I always kept tabs on you. I figured you needed your space. I knew you would come to your senses again. I waited until the Warden position was open at the facility you were in, and applied. I got turned down a few times before I got it. I knew once you knew of my new role as Warden, we would then get married and since I was now the Warden all your transfers had to be signed off on by me.
But that dream faded. Turns out, one of the officers at the previous facility I had worked was arrested for selling dope and decided to talk and my name came up. So they put a spy at my institution or at least that was what the Inspector told me when they arrested me yesterday. I knew they did not have anything on me because I was so careful or so I thought. Then they let me read the witness statement you wrote about our relationship. You told them that you were being harassed and that I made you get me pregnant. You said I threatened to have other inmates beat you if you did not give me what I wanted. You also got your children’s mothers to write statements saying I was harassing them by sending gifts and money. I thought we were in love, why would I threaten you or the people you love? Why would I put my job, my career on the line if it were not all for you? You told me you loved me. I can forgive you if you were just upset about the baby. But I was not going to get an abortion. By the way, when did you get married? You never told me you had a wife? I thought you and I were going to get married. That was the whole reason I came to this prison was to be near you and raise our baby together. Of course I could never bring the baby to see you. But I sent you pictures. Instead you used those pictures as evidence of my obsession with you. I would have never thought you would turn on me like this. You said I was special. You said you loved me and wanted to marry me. My heart sank when I learned your true intentions. I thought they were all lies. I can forgive you if you were coerced.
The inspector told me that you wanted to get closer to home so your parents and wife and children could visit you. So you decided to turn me in as if we did not have a real relationship! He made it seem like our love was wrong. He says they are pushing to prosecute me under the P.R.E.A. (Prison Rape Elimination Act) Rule. They are saying I raped you because I had constituted authority over you. So, I would have to register as a sex offender for the rest of my life! You turned me into a sex offender? How did I get here?
I know how! They told us in the Officer’s Academy about getting involved with inmates and warned us on this very situation, yet I never thought it would happen to me. I allowed my needing to be loved and fear of loneliness to cloud my judgment. Also, being alienated by fellow staff members only pushed me into the wrong direction because I was weak and reveled in self pity and low self esteem. As I become aware of what I am really facing, I am realizing that you never really loved me. You were using me just to get what you wanted. You played me for a Duck!
So, I guess the joke is really on me since I now have a child to care for and no job, no pension, no benefits and facing prison time, labeled as a sex offender. My parents disowned me. Ironically, I am lonelier now than when I first met you. I can only hope that my life experience be a testament to others who are seeking love in all the wrong places. DO NOT DO IT, BECAUSE IT IS NOT WORTH IT.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Civic Duty
I'm riding in a car with the gas pedal to the floor. No time to stop and smell the roses or look for pedestrians. I have to get to the bank before it closes. Just as I get to the intersection, the light turns yellow, so I speed up. Red light. I speed up even more. Out of no where I see flashing lights behind me. I pull into the bank parking lot. The cop car pulls in behind me. The bank closes at 5:00pm and its 4:45pm. I'm not going to make it. Its Friday which means I will be broke until Monday. My weekend can't get any worse. I reach for my wallet to get out my driver’s license. I can't find it. Then I remember i left it in my I.D. clip from work. I usually keep my I.D. Clip hanging from the center console rear view mirror. I got it. Now, for the registration, I open up my glove compartment and pull that out. By the time I get everything together, minus my life, the cop is at my driver side window. I roll down my window and wait for him to ask me questions that he already knows the answers to.
"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" he says as he pulls out his note pad, which I assumed was his ticket book.
"Um, no sir, I do not." My dad told me to never admit to speeding even when you are guilty. Make them prove that's the reason for them pulling you over. I hand him my license and registration. He never asked for it, but I gave it to him anyway.
"Well, ma'am, you were speeding through that intersection. What's your rush?" He leans over, with my drivers license and registration still in hand, while flipping his shades over his forehead as if to listen intently to what I am about to say. I'm already late, might as well have a chat.
"Well, Officer,...Its Friday and I am just getting off work. The bank closes at 5 and I was trying to make it before it closed. But I guess with all of my efforts, it really doesn't matter now because being pulled over made me late. My gas tank is on Empty and I have no money to get me through the weekend."
"Sucks for you." He says as he stands up right. Flips his shades back on, and commences to write me a ticket. "Well, I'm going to give you a warning on the speeding, but the broken tail light I have to give you a citation for."
"Broken tail light?"
"Yes, ma'am...your rear left light is out. You may want to get that fixed." I stepped out of the car and walked to the rear of my vehicle. The tale light was indeed broken, bashed out to be exact. I also had a dented bumper and scratches along the sides of my car as if it had been keyed.
“What the hell happened to my car!” I yell as I walk around my entire vehicle.
“ Oh man, Looks like someone took a bat to it. You didn’t notice the damage when you got in your car?”
“No, didn’t do an inspection because I was late and needed to get to the bank. This is unreal!”
“Well, do you want to file a report?”
“No.” The last thing I need is police and insurance people all in my business.
“ Are you sure? I mean at the very least you can get your insurance company to pay for repairs if it’s been vandalized. Do you have anything missing from your car?”
I remember my revolver I kept in my mid console. I wondered if it was still there. “No, nothing is missing that is important. I would have known.”
“Are you sure about not filing a report?”
“I’m sure officer.”
“Very well then, you have a safe night and slow down in these intersections.” He gets back in his car and speeds off. As for me, I get in my car frantically searching for my revolver, its missing. There is only one person who hates me enough to key my car and bust up my bumper and tail lights- my estranged husband Boyd. Now, he has my gun.
"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" he says as he pulls out his note pad, which I assumed was his ticket book.
"Um, no sir, I do not." My dad told me to never admit to speeding even when you are guilty. Make them prove that's the reason for them pulling you over. I hand him my license and registration. He never asked for it, but I gave it to him anyway.
"Well, ma'am, you were speeding through that intersection. What's your rush?" He leans over, with my drivers license and registration still in hand, while flipping his shades over his forehead as if to listen intently to what I am about to say. I'm already late, might as well have a chat.
"Well, Officer,...Its Friday and I am just getting off work. The bank closes at 5 and I was trying to make it before it closed. But I guess with all of my efforts, it really doesn't matter now because being pulled over made me late. My gas tank is on Empty and I have no money to get me through the weekend."
"Sucks for you." He says as he stands up right. Flips his shades back on, and commences to write me a ticket. "Well, I'm going to give you a warning on the speeding, but the broken tail light I have to give you a citation for."
"Broken tail light?"
"Yes, ma'am...your rear left light is out. You may want to get that fixed." I stepped out of the car and walked to the rear of my vehicle. The tale light was indeed broken, bashed out to be exact. I also had a dented bumper and scratches along the sides of my car as if it had been keyed.
“What the hell happened to my car!” I yell as I walk around my entire vehicle.
“ Oh man, Looks like someone took a bat to it. You didn’t notice the damage when you got in your car?”
“No, didn’t do an inspection because I was late and needed to get to the bank. This is unreal!”
“Well, do you want to file a report?”
“No.” The last thing I need is police and insurance people all in my business.
“ Are you sure? I mean at the very least you can get your insurance company to pay for repairs if it’s been vandalized. Do you have anything missing from your car?”
I remember my revolver I kept in my mid console. I wondered if it was still there. “No, nothing is missing that is important. I would have known.”
“Are you sure about not filing a report?”
“I’m sure officer.”
“Very well then, you have a safe night and slow down in these intersections.” He gets back in his car and speeds off. As for me, I get in my car frantically searching for my revolver, its missing. There is only one person who hates me enough to key my car and bust up my bumper and tail lights- my estranged husband Boyd. Now, he has my gun.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Having My Reasons: A Letter To My Recently Betrothed
Before you judge me please know that I had my reasons to do what I have done and take full responsibility for the wrong I have done against you. What I hope to gain by writing you this letter is for you to understand why I chose to do the things that I have done. First of all, when we met six years ago I was in a different place mentally. I lived foolishly and was very selfish. Love was a foreign concept I had yet to grasp. I think that had a lot to do with how I was brought up. My mother was one of those women who had to have a man in her life. She believed that a woman should never be living alone. Unfortunately for me the men she chose were always drunks and liars and she did not care who he was so long as he had a job, a car, and place for us to live. My mother and I moved around a lot when I was a child and it was not until I reached senior year in high school that she decided to settle down somewhere. During that time there was very little time to form friendships and other types of bonds with other kids at my age. She thought I needed a father even though I never knew my real father and I don't think my mother really knew who fathered me either. The only name on my birth certificate was hers and when asked about my father the story would be the same. She met a guy at a bar, brought him home and boom...I was born. I am sure there was much more to it than that, but my mother was never much for giving specifics (she was always out partying so she vaguely remembers her past).
We moved around a lot because every guy she met would sell her this dream of settling down and for a while she would be happy, until they would start to beat on her. I always wondered why every guy she dated would do that. The only times she would leave is when they would beat me. She always said " They can do what they want to me, but if they hurt you, the relationship is over!"..She would tell me that after I would run crying to her after she would get beat! And just like clock work, after they would get tired of her, they would move to me, and then we would move away and the cycle would continue. Well, it wasn't until my grandmother died, and left the her house to my mom that we settled down. by then, I was already a senior in high school. That was the last time we moved and after that, my mother never let a man in our home again.
When it came to relationships I never really committed for more that six months. I would get bored and look for someone new. Moving on was normal for me because it was how I was raised. I loved meeting new people which was my motto I lived by and I never committed to any guy I have dated. I was a floater and I enjoyed it. I had multiple boyfriends at once. I did not care about their feelings. All I cared about was my own selfish desires. I wanted to live on my own terms, unlike my mother who thought she needed a man and settled for anything. I looked at these guys as toys and played with their heads. I was determined to be the player instead of the one getting played. There were no commitments so I was not cheating on anyone so I was justified to do whatever I wanted to do.
So you understand when I met you, I was not looking for anything from you except to beat you at your own game. You know, the game every guy plays (so I thought). But you were different. There was something about you that made you special and I knew you were but I did not care. I could not care. I refused to allow love in. When I found myself falling for you, I had to do something about it, so I started seeing two other guys. By then you had made it known that you were serious about me and wanted to take the next step and make us exclusive. It was not until I found out that I was pregnant that I decided to give you and I a chance. And unfortunately, that is when things got complicated.
I wanted you to be the father so bad and I thought you were because we were together the day the baby was conceived. I was so sure you were so that is why I put your name on the birth certificate. It was not until after our baby was born that I found out the horrific news that there was a chance that one of the other guys I was seeing could be the father. My doctor informed me that having unprotected sex with multiple partners within a week's time could lessen the chances of knowing who the father is because sperm can lie in wait in a woman's vagina for up to five days waiting for an egg to be released. Which means that if the baby was conceived on Friday and I had sex with a guy on Monday, and another on Wednesday, and on Friday, any one of those guys could be the father! I believed in my mind that you were his father when I told you so its not like I lied to you intentionally because you could have been the father! I loved you so much, and I owed it to you to find out for sure, but I was so reluctant up until you asked me to marry you. As each day passed, keeping this secret from you made me ill and I had to find out for sure if the child was yours. But before, I wanted to rule the two guys out. So, I went to them both and asked for DNA tests, both were willing to do it, but I did tell them that no matter what the results were, you were the baby's father. They both were cooperative until the one of them came back a positive match. That was a year ago. Well, yesterday I received a letter from this guy from a lawyer claiming he wants visitation rights and custody arrangements for our son! So its only a matter of time before you knew everything. I am so sorry for keeping this from you and to be honest, I do not think I would have ever told you. But I think its for the best. The timing is not good being as though we are scheduled to be married next week, but I at least owed you that much to decide if you still want to go on with the ceremony. If you do not, I understand, but please understand that I had my reasons. I love you and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
We moved around a lot because every guy she met would sell her this dream of settling down and for a while she would be happy, until they would start to beat on her. I always wondered why every guy she dated would do that. The only times she would leave is when they would beat me. She always said " They can do what they want to me, but if they hurt you, the relationship is over!"..She would tell me that after I would run crying to her after she would get beat! And just like clock work, after they would get tired of her, they would move to me, and then we would move away and the cycle would continue. Well, it wasn't until my grandmother died, and left the her house to my mom that we settled down. by then, I was already a senior in high school. That was the last time we moved and after that, my mother never let a man in our home again.
When it came to relationships I never really committed for more that six months. I would get bored and look for someone new. Moving on was normal for me because it was how I was raised. I loved meeting new people which was my motto I lived by and I never committed to any guy I have dated. I was a floater and I enjoyed it. I had multiple boyfriends at once. I did not care about their feelings. All I cared about was my own selfish desires. I wanted to live on my own terms, unlike my mother who thought she needed a man and settled for anything. I looked at these guys as toys and played with their heads. I was determined to be the player instead of the one getting played. There were no commitments so I was not cheating on anyone so I was justified to do whatever I wanted to do.
So you understand when I met you, I was not looking for anything from you except to beat you at your own game. You know, the game every guy plays (so I thought). But you were different. There was something about you that made you special and I knew you were but I did not care. I could not care. I refused to allow love in. When I found myself falling for you, I had to do something about it, so I started seeing two other guys. By then you had made it known that you were serious about me and wanted to take the next step and make us exclusive. It was not until I found out that I was pregnant that I decided to give you and I a chance. And unfortunately, that is when things got complicated.
I wanted you to be the father so bad and I thought you were because we were together the day the baby was conceived. I was so sure you were so that is why I put your name on the birth certificate. It was not until after our baby was born that I found out the horrific news that there was a chance that one of the other guys I was seeing could be the father. My doctor informed me that having unprotected sex with multiple partners within a week's time could lessen the chances of knowing who the father is because sperm can lie in wait in a woman's vagina for up to five days waiting for an egg to be released. Which means that if the baby was conceived on Friday and I had sex with a guy on Monday, and another on Wednesday, and on Friday, any one of those guys could be the father! I believed in my mind that you were his father when I told you so its not like I lied to you intentionally because you could have been the father! I loved you so much, and I owed it to you to find out for sure, but I was so reluctant up until you asked me to marry you. As each day passed, keeping this secret from you made me ill and I had to find out for sure if the child was yours. But before, I wanted to rule the two guys out. So, I went to them both and asked for DNA tests, both were willing to do it, but I did tell them that no matter what the results were, you were the baby's father. They both were cooperative until the one of them came back a positive match. That was a year ago. Well, yesterday I received a letter from this guy from a lawyer claiming he wants visitation rights and custody arrangements for our son! So its only a matter of time before you knew everything. I am so sorry for keeping this from you and to be honest, I do not think I would have ever told you. But I think its for the best. The timing is not good being as though we are scheduled to be married next week, but I at least owed you that much to decide if you still want to go on with the ceremony. If you do not, I understand, but please understand that I had my reasons. I love you and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
In Love With The Wrong Man
I was in love with the wrong man when
I should have been in love with God.
I wish I would have known then what I know now,
I would have been spared the pain of eating spiritual sod.
I followed this man when he had nothing.
He had a past but no present or future.
I followed this man even when he treated me bad
I thought he was my future.
But this poem is not about his treatment of me,
but of a testament of my self betrayal.
If I had loved God and loved my self as God loved me,
I would have never set myself up to fail.
God is a God of love like none other,
No man can comprehend to understand.
I should have given my heart to God,
Put is safe in the palm of His hand.
I gave my heart to this unworthy man
Deep down I hated to be loved
I didn't feel like i deserved real love
I have never experienced that kind of love before.
If I had known then what I know now,
I would have given up on that man and long gone!
But now I must live with the consequence
Of loving the wrong man for me.
But to live is too late for such
Now they are to bury me under and old oak tree.
As I hear my mother weep into the cloth that carries her sorrow filled tears,
Death at any age is no price to pay to end it beyond those mother prayed years.
In the spirit I rest, but still abiding under that test of loving myself still.
This time, loving the wrong man is no consequence to me because the body I loved
will be forever buried under the old oak just over the grassy hill.
Being in love with the wrong man proved unsuccessful for me but it is not too late for you.
Love yourself as God loves you, and you will never settle with some ungrateful fool.
When you allow God's love to fill your heart, you will gift it in return.
So when a man can see in you the love of God, He will either run or stay with you.
Then you will know that the man who loves the love of God, will also love you too!
I should have been in love with God.
I wish I would have known then what I know now,
I would have been spared the pain of eating spiritual sod.
I followed this man when he had nothing.
He had a past but no present or future.
I followed this man even when he treated me bad
I thought he was my future.
But this poem is not about his treatment of me,
but of a testament of my self betrayal.
If I had loved God and loved my self as God loved me,
I would have never set myself up to fail.
God is a God of love like none other,
No man can comprehend to understand.
I should have given my heart to God,
Put is safe in the palm of His hand.
I gave my heart to this unworthy man
Deep down I hated to be loved
I didn't feel like i deserved real love
I have never experienced that kind of love before.
If I had known then what I know now,
I would have given up on that man and long gone!
But now I must live with the consequence
Of loving the wrong man for me.
But to live is too late for such
Now they are to bury me under and old oak tree.
As I hear my mother weep into the cloth that carries her sorrow filled tears,
Death at any age is no price to pay to end it beyond those mother prayed years.
In the spirit I rest, but still abiding under that test of loving myself still.
This time, loving the wrong man is no consequence to me because the body I loved
will be forever buried under the old oak just over the grassy hill.
Being in love with the wrong man proved unsuccessful for me but it is not too late for you.
Love yourself as God loves you, and you will never settle with some ungrateful fool.
When you allow God's love to fill your heart, you will gift it in return.
So when a man can see in you the love of God, He will either run or stay with you.
Then you will know that the man who loves the love of God, will also love you too!
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